Our First Child

One hot summer day in 2012  I woke up from a dream about wasps chasing me. Scariest dream ever. I never dream. I decided that it was strange that I had this nightmare so I went into the bathroom & took a pregnancy test. I set it on the counter & jumped in the shower. When I came out I looked on the counter & my jaw fell to the floor. There were two pink lines. The joy that filled my heart, the smile that wouldn’t leave my face, I will never forget that moment. That feeling. I was a momma. Jose was gone at work & I couldn’t tell him that he was a dad over the phone. So I sat on the couch in my towel. With my hair soaking wet. Holding the pregnancy test & just smiling. I couldn’t possibly function because I was in shock. He came home at lunch time and I immediately started crying while pointing at the test, he instantly had tears & just held me. We were parents.

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I already loved that baby more than I could ever tell someone. I never knew the connection I would feel with a life that was only 5 weeks old inside of me. I instantly wanted to be a better person, the best mom in the world, & I started imagining my life with this blessing that God had placed inside of me. For a few weeks I was in a strange disbelief & things that used to matter didn’t matter anymore because I was carrying a tiny human inside of me & my heart was full joy.

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8 weeks

I never knew that at 9 weeks I would encounter another nightmare. The life that was growing healthy inside of me died. And so did a piece of me. I can never describe that feeling of waking up in the morning after losing my baby the night before. For a split second I wanted to believe it wasn’t real, that it was like the wasp dream that I had & our child was okay inside of me. The days following my miscarriage were nothing short of traumatic. The world was a blur. Sounds, smells, sites, and feelings were not the same & there was never a moment that at a drop of a hat I wouldn’t start uncontrollably crying. I felt like I would never feel the same, and in some ways things never went back to the way they were before our first child. A part of me left, a part of me died, but as a whole I grew stronger. Through losing our first baby I have never been closer to God or my husband. & for that I am grateful.

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There is not a week that goes by that I don’t think of our baby & what milestone that we would be at. Today our sweet baby would be 2 months old. I am forever grateful for all of the amazing support we receive from family & friends, the change in me, the relationship I now have with God, & oddly enough for those few weeks of pure joy & that closeness I felt with our child. Knowing I will someday be reunited with that sweet innocent baby in Heaven brings tears to my eyes even as I type this. Since August I have not gone public with our miscarriage, & have remained silent & only discussed my feelings with God & family, not wanting to be vulnerable or put my feelings in writing. Lately I have felt this overwhelming wave of peace that I couldn’t keep to myself. Peace in knowing that this is all part of my plan. Peace in knowing that there are beautiful moments to come. Peace in knowing that we are blessed. Peace in knowing that God is in control. Peace I can’t keep to myself. Every day I get better and better. Stronger & stronger. I am so thankful that my heart has been healing and that the Lord has given me peace & understanding. I will forever remember that day in August when we had to say goodbye & my birthday in March that was the due date of our sweet angel, but among those hard days are many more good days. & of course on this Mothers day where I would have been celebrating with my little bundle of joy I am blessed that my husband made this day extra special for me,  that church eased my heart, & family & friends sent there love. Just little reminders that everything is going to be okay.

Dear sweet baby, I love you so much. My heart hurts because I never got to hold you or be your mommy very long here on earth, but one day your daddy & I will see you again & until then I will be strong knowing that you are happy & healthy where you are. I love you baby more than I can ever say. Love always, your mommy. 

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photo

Bracelet: All My Heart Shop

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17 thoughts on “Our First Child

  1. Tara

    Sweet sister in Christ, I grieve for you and your loss. You will never know how many lives you will touch by sharing your pain and offering hope to those who don’t know our Lord or who’ve chosen to believe “He doesn’t really love me or this wouldn’t have happened”. God comforted me by his Word with Isaiah 40:26 “Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.” If not one star is missing, then surely there is not one baby missing- not one who died too soon and not one who was wished for and never conceived. I trust that He has knit my family together according to His perfect plan. I look forward to seeing my little one face to face one day but until then, I praise my Father for giving me the opportunity to experience his sufficient grace and proclaim it to others. Your loving sister -Tara

  2. Jennifer

    My Name is Jennifer and I have gone thru the most tragic thing a woman could go thru. A miscarriage. The beginning was rough in our pregnancy they said we had twins and miscarried one then they said both. I went in again and they found a heart beat. We were over the moon excited and happy. They said bed rest for a week because the baby’s heart beat was low. I was obedient. I went in for my first official ob appointment and she took me off bed rest and said i was good but my cervix looks weird nothing to worry though. I went to work a week and a half later i had my first official ultrasound the one i was going to announce to everyone with. October 31st 2014 I found out my baby was gone and i was now supposed to let nature or pills or doctors do their thing. I chose the pills I hurt so bad why not hurt more was what went through my head. Well come to find out the cervix looking weird was because I contracted hpv. Not sure how or if i was born with it and its been dormant but now I’m dealing with the death of my baby and this. If you could please share my link to help me with my bills from being out of work I will be forever thankful!
    Thank you in advance
    http://www.gofundme.com/jenniferjacoby

  3. Alyssa

    Thank you so much for writing this. Your transparency is so appreciated. I miscarried my first child this week and have been really struggling. It’s so comforting to see how you eventually recover, always remember but recover. I am so thankful that God led you to post such an inspirational blog.

  4. Natalie

    Beloved sister in Christ, thank you for being a tremendous role model for me (I am 20 and about to get married fresh out of college). I just stumbled upon your blog but I can already tell that you are a sweet, strong woman of God and you share my passions for interior design, family, and the Lord. I am so thankful that I found your blog, and I am even more thankful for you and the fact that you point your followers (as well as your family and friends I am sure) toward Christ in the good and the bad. We will probably never cross paths and I am basically a stranger, but I just wanted to say thanks and that even I am proud of you. I can’t imagine how proud our heavenly father must be of you!

    1. Lizzie

      Liz,

      Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve read this blog post over and over and it has brought me so much peace. I miscarried about 2 weeks ago at 8 weeks. I went to the doctor at 7 weeks and my baby was fine but measuring small. I went back at 8 weeks and the babies heart beat had stopped. I felt sick and in shock, it was our first baby. My husband has been amazing through the whole ordeal but it was dealing with my own emotions that seemed so impossible. You have such a positive outlook and whenever I’m feeling down, I read your blog post. You’re extremely strong for getting through this 3 times over. My best friend told me she was pregnant a week after I miscarried and miscarried herself at 5 weeks (what are the odds?!) I sent her this blog and told her to read it when she was ready. Your a real inspiration and have helped me through my ordeal more than you can know. I focus on the positives and my relationship with God and my husband and it has only made me stronger. Bless you and your sweet family, I wish you all the best.

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  6. Sarah

    Thank for you sharing. I am not a mom, nor have I been pregnant, but your honesty, vulnerability and strength in God is encouraging. Thank you! Praying God continues to heal your heart and blesses your family!

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  8. Pat Gray

    Monique my heart goes out to you and yours. I can’t claim that I know what you must be going through but I know I love you and Baby Hunter and my thoughts and prayers are with you. I know Hunter is with God and Grandpa watching over us until we

    meet again. I love you and I love Hunter and I know we will all be together soon. I love you Monique, Aunt Patty

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  11. Gerri

    Thank you for your post. 6 years ago I had my first of 3 miscarriages. I have bottled up my grief and pain through all of them with hopes that it would someday happen. Two years ago was my last pregnancy. I am now 45 years old and I am trying to come to grips with the fact that I will unlikely EVER be a mother. I haven’t let myself completely come to this realization, nor have I let myself grieve my losses. That is something I am still trying to work through.
    When I saw your photo with the caption ‘its there and then gone, a part of you dies forever’. That quote (which I didn’t get exact) is sooooo me, and no one else in this world can begin to understand what we have felt and continue to feel. I don’t know what my future from God holds for me, but seeing your posts and relating to your words and thoughts, I know, are God’s ways of getting me through this unbearable pain. God Bless you and your family.

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