Those hard days. The ones that no one wants to talk about or read about for that matter. Well, I’m sorry, but I am here to tell you that I have hard days sometimes & I can’t keep that to myself for fear that you think that all my days are good & that I’m always strong. I have now been sharing our fertility journey here on the blog for three years. I have shared about our loss, how I get through our miscarriages, how loss has brought me closer to God, my diagnosis, & a lot more. I get emails, comments, & messages daily saying how strong I am for enduring all our losses, but I did want to come on here today & share with you that I am not always strong. I have weak moments where I feel like breaking down & giving up. It’s not very often that I share the bad days. Those hard days where the thought of losing our babies becomes so overwhelming & the thought of continuing on our fertility seems hopeless. These days are very far & few in between, but they exist & I wouldn’t be honest with you if I didn’t share them with you. I am not one to sit around & dwell on things, but some days are just hard & that is quite normal I think. This week I had a few hard days & I felt compelled to share with you because maybe one of you is having a hard day & you feel alone.
We are litteraly living our dream right now. We have our dream farmhouse, a store, we are starting a farm, spending wonderful years as best friends being married, getting new opportunities everyday, & so much more. I know all of these things are blessings from God & that this is where He wants us in this moment & I trust that with all of my heart. I do. But I am human & there are some days that it’s hard for me to function. If we had never suffered a loss of a child we would have a three year old right now. That is one of the hardest thoughts I have. & some weeks where thoughtless comments from others make me cry I wish that I could just stay in bed all day. There are some days where I just feel like no one understands how the loss effects me. I feel like no one cares, I feel like our babies are forgotten by everyone, I feel lost, scared, uncertain, I get aches of “why me?”, & I go down a dark path of wondering what it would be like if our babies were here with us. All of these feelings make me feel alone in those moments because the world goes on around me like nothing is happening. But when I’m not having a hard day I know this isn’t true. Sure others don’t feel the extreme pain of losing our children like we do, but there are people who care, who love our babies in heaven, & who are there for us on our journey. It’s those hard days that make everything seem just a little bit harder than it has to be. In those hard days there is a lot of darkness & not a lot of light.
Lately we have been so busy with the farmhouse, the store, good days, & life, that I’ve been getting worn out easily & can’t possibly imagine having children on top of all of this stuff, but that doesn’t mean the ache of loss isn’t there. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have been overjoyed to have our babies here with us through it all to make us more exhausted in the best way possible. It’s always there, but sometimes it’s harder to handle than other days. When feelings are triggered by a hurtful comment from someone close to you, when you feel like there isn’t support or sympathy from people you love, & when occasions come like due dates & holidays that make you miss your babies more than usual it hurts & it makes the day hard. The one thing I have learned through these years of fertility is to know that not everyone knows what they are saying hurts you, some people don’t know how to comfort you, & there will be days that are harder than others. You are not alone in your loss. Hard days are normal. Hard days will come, but they will go. I promise. Hold tight to hope through those hard days. Hold on to God’s promise. Know that you are not alone. Know that whatever you are feeling through your loss & fertility journey is normal. Pray for healing, know that there are better days ahead. I cling to these words in my hard days & I hope it helps some of you too. Romans 8:18 “The pain you are feeling is nothing compared to the joy that is coming.” Thank you all for helping me with my hard days. Thank you for supporting us on our fertility journey. Thank you for understanding the ups & downs of our miscarriage story. Thank you for aknowleding our babies in heaven when you meet me in person & online. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you. I hope that I can help you in some small way through your hard days as well. xx
On one of my hard days this week this video popped up on my facebook of Hillary Scott from Lady Antebellum singing a song she wrote about her miscarriage & I completely broke down and sobbed. Sometimes a good cry is just what the doctor ordered & the words of this song spoke right to my soul & said everything that I felt. I hope this song comforts you today in some way & helps those of you who have suffered loss..
Read about our miscarriages [here]