Are you here looking for perfection? Something magazine worthy & without flaws? Well, I’m terribly sorry, you won’t find that here. I’m an absolute mess. I wash my hair maybe twice a week, I hardly dust my house, Most of the time I have yesterdays mascara on & zit cream on my face at noon still, our home has a few areas that are presentable & the rest is a jumbled mess, I’m always late, I’m terrible at returning phone calls, making plans gives me anxiety, & I’m the most sensitive little creature you could ever meet. Funny story… Jose calls me his little creature sometimes haha. It sounds mean, but he’s always commenting at how cute & little I am & it is just a funny thing. Anyways, back to me being a mess. I feel like sometimes I give the wrong impression like I have it all together. 5 nights out of 7 I don’t even take time to make dinner because I feel so behind or my anxiety creeps up on me & I feel paralyzed by the pressures of the world. Am I writing this for therapy? Maybe. Am I writing this for you to feel bad for me? Heck no. I’m writing this so maybe you feel normal. Maybe you see all my photos on Instagram or my blog posts & you think I have it all together, that my life is all beautiful barns & pretty rooms, & that I am always smiling & laughing. Nope. I struggle. A lot. I don’t share my anxiety with everyone because frankly I feel like it’s quite the downer, but man do I struggle. Some mornings Jose holds me in bed because my heart feels like it’s going to pound out of my chest simply from the daily tasks ahead. There are days I think about our 8 babies in heaven and I can’t find the light in the world thinking about the darkness of losing them. There are moments when I feel so alone when I am surrounded by people. I mean I could go on, but you guys I’m saying this to let you know that I don’t have it all together….
I don’t share this a whole lot because I think I’m good at hiding it, but I have really bad social anxiety. I get anxious to leave my house, I struggle meeting new people, & I’m quite intimidated by just about everyone. When I’m at the store & a group of people come up & want to meet me.. I get so nervous! I end up saying really awkward things & that’s really me.. an awkward mess. But I’m realizing that it’s ok. It’s ok to be messy. Life is messy & sometimes it’s nice to not pretend that everything is peachy when it’s not. It’s nice to not put on a front & to be dare I say, real? Now, don’t get me wrong… There is a lot of beauty in my life. All of the photos & blog posts I share are real.. there is a lot of real beauty in my life, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. I love my life. I know I’ve highlighted the negatives in the beginning of this post, but honestly I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. I know we all are in different seasons of life & the season I am in now is quite amazing, but I also know there will be harder & easier seasons as well. God has given me struggles like he gives to everyone else, but I’m thankful for mine because each struggle has made me a better person & turned into a million more blessings. I’m sharing this because when I get comments of “I’m so jealous of your life” or something similar to that on social media it doesn’t make me happy, it makes me sad & I want to blurt out to that person that maybe there are parts of my life that they love, but we all have our struggles. You are not alone. That’s what it is.. my main point, you are not alone. We will never measure up to everyones expectations. You will let people down, you will fail, you will hurt, but what matters is that you keep moving, you forgive yourself, you learn something from the situation, & those that matter will forgive you & love you no matter what. Your struggles may look different from my struggles, but what bonds us is our perseverance & how we deal with those downfalls in our life.
I honestly started writing this post tonight because I was feeling like I was falling short. I felt like the emails were piling up, the to-do list was too long, my hair is dirty, the house is torn apart, I haven’t opened up my Bible Study in forever, & I couldn’t write about the pretty in my life in fear that you might think that’s all there is in my life…. pretty. Some of it is ugly & some of it is pretty & I try to find balance in it all out everyday. I love finding the beauty in every second of everyday. I love finding the lesson in hard times, I love finding the joy in a bad day, I love embracing my flaws, & I love accepting everyone despite their flaws as well. I will continue to seeing the beauty in every moment & sharing it with you because that’s what I do & that’s what makes me happy. I like updating my Instagram, blog, pinterest, & facebook daily with beautiful random moments of my day, the good & bad of projects we are working on, the farmhouse renovation, our unfolding fertility story, & the journey through all of it. But don’t ever think that our life is perfect because it’s not… it’s a beautiful mess just like me. xx
My view in our backyard tonight as I wrote this…
& it’s moments like this that I’m thankful for the struggle, thankful for God’s reminders of his plans for us, thankful that I am not in control, & thankful for this beautiful life we live. There is beauty in every moment, you just have to look for it.