New Seasons During Infertility

There is something about a change of the season during our fertility journey. It doesn’t matter if it’s spring, summer, fall, or winter, the change of seasons are always hard on me. It’s like a reminder that I am entering yet another season not holding those babies of mine in heaven & yet another season that we don’t have our baby here on earth. It’s also a strange note that I need to add that even though it’s been a year and a half since we have tried to add a baby to our family, it still isn’t easy. As soon as the mention of fall was in the air the heartache was there & there is still this constant pain that comes as the weather becomes cooler and the leaves start turning color this fall. Fall seems to be the hardest season change in this fertility journey that I have found myself in the middle of…

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

 

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

 

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

Fall is my all time favorite season. The weather is cooler, there are big cozy sweaters involved, lots of lattes, get togethers with family & friends, & this time of year is just magical. But there is also a big void. These past few weeks I’ve been really struggling in my head & my heart with the new season & I didn’t want to keep it to myself. Maybe it’s because I should be taking my babies to the pumpkin patch, I should be picking apples with them, having family photos take, & I should be snuggled with them in our farmhouse. I’m stuck between discontent & being the happiest girl alive enjoying the beautiful season among us living in our dream farmhouse and having my dream job & owning our dream store. I’m married to my best friend and just like most people there is one thing in my life that has hurt me to my core so badly that I’m not sure I will ever heal from it. I can’t say this yet, but even after we have our baby here on earth my motherly instincts tell me that my heart will still long for those seven babies of ours in heaven. Something tells me that a hurt like that leaves a lasting impression on your heart & mind and that until we meet those babies in heaven  we will still feel the sting every time the leaves change.

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

 

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

 

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

 

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

 

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

Every year this happens, every season a new and additional surge of raw feelings. At 28 years old & being on this fertility journey since I was 23, we have been through a lot of seasons & in each one we were at a different stage of our fertility journey. Some season changes have been during a miscarriage, some season changes have been during our struggles to get pregnant, & all have been during our waiting. Just the changing seasons, my feelings change from sadness, to anger, to joy, to exhaustion, to hurt, impatience, to continent, & back to sadness all over again. It never gets easier, but I know that this fertility journey is just one big season of our lives that God has called us to do & that He is preparing us for something great. I am and always will be thankful for this season because it has made me a better person, it has made me appraise things more than anyone I know, it has made me feel things deeper, & love harder, & for that I am grateful. This season is hard, but this season is also a beautiful one filled with opportunities I would have never had, dreams I could have never dreamed, & hope that I would have never had. If you are going through a season of hurt & the pain of the changing seasons opened a wound in you, you are not alone. New seasons can open old wounds & it’s all part of the journey. But new seasons can also bring hope & understanding as well. Cling to what is good & cling to your faith in knowing that with each season comes new beginnings. Thank you guys for helping us on this journey & for being with us every step of the way. xx

 

“The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.” Lamentations 3:25

 

18 thoughts on “New Seasons During Infertility

  1. Gabriela

    Liz. you are such a lovely lady. I was the lady you met from Ann Arbor. Always remember how many lives you touch thru your blog, how inspirational you are to people that follow you, and no matter what, God has a plan for you. Please always remember that. Your babies know you, you are their mother and they know you from Heaven, they are with the Lord and they watch over you everyday. They are your children and they love you. My daughter and I always pray for you and we appreciate you so much. God bless you 🙂

  2. Jenny W

    I understand that this is such a personal journey that you are on, and my heart goes out to you. There are so many babies already here on this earth, without loving arms to hold and nourish them. Maybe one of them is meant to be your healing angel here on earth.

  3. Mary Soler

    I think you’re right. We have babies in our arms but the pain of our infertility journey still lingers. After 11 years of not conceiving and bam, we became pregnant only to have to say goodbye. I never understood the grief of miscarriage until my own. There’s a dark dark lingering emptiness. But I believe in rainbows. I believe in angels. And more than anything I believe in Gods plan.

    I bet your rainbow will be so colorful and vibrant.

  4. Allie Boss

    I love you so much friend! The seasons are hard and even when you have a baby here your heart will long for the others in heaven. It’s something that will always be with us no matter how much time has passed. You are so loved and I’m watching God work through you so much by touching so many lives through your blog. You sharing your story is helping so many women who are keeping it to themselves or feel alone. God loves you and is working incredible miracles on your life! Hugs!!!

  5. Cindy

    Today is the 30th birthday of my beloved son who I was fortunate to adopt after years of infertility. He didn’t grow in my body- he grew in my heart and for that I am extremely blessed. My prayers are with you. I know God heard your prayers. Much love sent.

  6. Kim

    Love you so much and your angel babies are so blessed to have you and Jose for parents. You are correct. ..you will always have a place in your heart that sometimes feels empty and sometimes filled with the love you have for them. Praying for you and we know that God will provide

  7. catherine hansen

    Hi there Liz,

    I hear the sadness in your post, as well as the overall joy that God provides to all us followers, even during the midst of hurt. I just wanted to tell you that I am thankful for your openness and honesty with this post. I have not been dealing with the infertility journey as long as you have, but we are coming up on a little over 3 years. It is really hard when you can imagine and dream what life would be like with our little ones, yet it is just a thought. It is nice to hear another wife’s words, especially when it is such a hard topic to talk about in general. I sincerely pray for you and your God created motherly desire to be fulfilled, in whatever way He decides.

    – From another hopeful wife

  8. Rachelle mckay

    I am loving your blog and your story. I am currently a second time surrogate and although this journey is not easy stories like this are what keeps me going and know that I am doing this for a good cause. I do not know what it is like to be in your shoes and my heart breaks for you and others going through the same struggle. I am absolutely blessed to be able to help another family grow. My first family that I helped is so truely amazing and I was so thankful to be accepted into their family from the beginning. Stay strong. It will all be in his timing. Hugs to you all going through this. You are all the reason I do what I do!

  9. Paula Wise

    Liz,
    God is good! When you said that God is preparing you for something great, it reminded me of a saying:
    Power of a Metaphor
    An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards. When life is dragging you down with difficulties, it means it’s going to launch you into something great. So just focus and keep aiming! May God comfort you and sweetly bless you.

  10. Krista

    I know that I know that I know that God gave me words of encouragement for you. He is faithful to His promises. Trust in His timing & the beautiful story He is writing. ❤️

  11. Sari Delagneau

    Dear Liz,

    Your honesty and raw emotion is so touching to read. I know that your words will uplift, encourage and connect with so many readers. Thank you for being vulnerable and allowing that vulnerability to minister to the hurts of others. I pray that you feel the love, support and prayers of your devoted readers and God’s peace rains down on you with each falling leaf.

  12. Brittany Rockwell

    I live in Wisconsin, I am 26 and married, and I too have a deep obsession with a nice ice cold cherry coke. ( I feel like we are soul sisters) I have been following you at a distance for a while. (Figuratively.. I am not a stalker) 😉 I love hearing your heart. And I love seeing all of the gifts and talents God gave you to host and make a warm and welcoming home be displayed so radiantly. Thank you for using your platform so well. I appreciate your honesty. I know you get a million comments and are used to lots of traffic on your blog… but I just wanted to say hello and tell you that it is on my bucket list to come and visit your store and meet you. I love interior design myself and I hope to someday do it more professionally. Your creativity challenges me.

  13. Meg

    dear liz,

    first of all, thank you for being so open with your readers. infertility is among the most painful of life’s challenges that can be hurdled at us, & we are left to grapple with the emotions that come along with it. sometimes, those feelings are so heavy that you can’t even express yourself to your friends. so, even if one reader feels less alone during their fertility struggle due to your honesty & candidness, you have changed a life. your faith will get you through the days when it really weighs on your heart. it is so hard to reason with the past, & to wonder about what the future will hold, & even though we don’t understand why, you can try to rest in the peace of knowing that you’re exactly where god wants you when he wants you there. i know your family will be created exactly the way he intends it to be created and exactly when he intends it to be created, & you will definitely rejoice with your babies together in heaven someday. your faith and strength are inspiring to all of your followers. we all love you and earnestly pray for you. we know he will hear the desires of your heart.

    all our love,
    meg

  14. Sandy

    Liz, Please know that many of your readers have walked this path and understand your journey to motherhood. Know that God has your back. It’s a difficult journey. My heart goes out to you. Sending prayers and hugs. I love your blog and your raw honesty about life.

  15. Beth Moore

    Liz – like so many others, I thoroughly enjoy the breathtaking creativity of your home and blog. But the beauty of your honesty on this tough journey is unmatched. Every time one of your pics pops up in my IG feed, it’s a reminder to pray for you and so many others in these “idyllic” seasons that trigger a fresh flood of grief for so many. Thank you for trusting us with your heart and for the reminder that though the hurt remains, God brings peace and healing in the journey. You’re a blessing!

  16. Nicole A

    Dear Liz,

    My heart breaks for you. I too struggled bringing my babies into this world for six long years and have three in heaven. But let me tell you, the pain will fade, I promise! I never thought I would be able to say those words. I waited and waited and struggled as I watched everyone around me having their babies. Now that my babies are here on earth with me I can’t imagine them being here at any other time. I know they are precious creatures and were meant to come at a certain time to fulfill a special and specific purpose. No, you will never forget what you have gone through but the pain will fade and it will be completely worth it. Your earthly babies will bring so much love and hope and especially healing. One day it will all make sense. You are beautiful and I know you will be a mommy very soon! God loves you and is preparing you for an amazing life with those beautiful babies as he did with me!!! xoxo

  17. Angel

    I have 4 angels in Heaven and truthfully it never gets easier. After being told I’d never get pregnant again we gave up hope. Three years later I found out I was pregnant. I was scared and never thought I’d carry a baby to term but 11 years later we have a beautiful daughter. I still wonder daily who my babies would have been and how different our life would be but I count my blessings everyday and I do believe in miracles and everything happens for a reason and when it’s suppose to.

  18. Samantha Barnes

    Thanks for sharing. We are a little over a year and a half into infertility, and while we haven’t experienced the pain of miscarriages, I am right there with you in the tension of enjoying the change in seasons and grieving what has not happened yet. Writing definitely helps me process, and I 100% believe God is in control, but I also wrestle with waiting for His plan.

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