Childless At Christmas

I just sat down on the sofa after a long day at the shop. It is so fun to work at our shop during the holidays. I get to be a part of everyone’s holiday season by helping them pick out gifts, hearing about their traditions, & just being a part of everyone’s Christmas cheer. I love it! I also get to be a sounding board for people who are dreading the holiday. Those that have suffered great loss & are feeling the impact of it as we get closer because of the constant reminders of the missing person in their lives. I love everyone’s presence from the overjoyed to the saddened because I feel like when they leave they leave with a little more joy after getting to chat with someone & do some fun shopping. After being blessed by everyone at the shop today as I drove home I realized that Christmas is only 4 days away & while my heart is filled with joy I am suddenly reminded in the craziness of the holidays of the huge loss we have suffered as a couple & just how different Christmas looks with a baby who would be almost 4 years old in heaven & 6 more that have followed that sweet baby.. all in heaven & all missed greatly here on earth.

Though I would love to title this post “Christmas while waiting for a baby”, I simply can’t because quite frankly I feel like to title it that it would imply that Jose and I were trying to grow our family. It’s been a year and a half since our last loss & we have never even talked about or stepped foot in a fertility office since then. Life has been so beautiful with the two of us, we are enjoying the honey moon phase going in our 10th year marriage, God has truly blessed us  & we felt like a break was needed in our fertility journey. Remember when I told you guys that after each loss God makes something BIG happen in our life. Well, the store was born shortly after our 6th miscarriage & that has been a major life altering event. In the best way possible shortly after that God gave us our farm & our 1800’s fixer upper farmhouse. It’s been crazy here in the best way possibly & I’m so thankful. God always provides & always seems to bring us so much joy in every season of our lives. But Jose and I are labeled “childless” by earthly standards & that can feel strange, scary, & hopeless, when we have 7 babies in heaven that we wish so badly were here with us to celebrate this joyous season with.  I can’t speak for everyone who is childless at Christmas during infertility struggles, but I can speak for us & maybe some can relate to how it feels to be childless during the holidays…


Lonely. 

For me I have moments of loneliness. Not only because we wish so badly that our babies were here with us for all the festivities, but also that our peers and family would include us in during those festivities. During the holidays I feel like I’m on high alert for being sensitive & though they may not mean it, not being invited to the Christmas tree lighting or not being included in conversations simply because they are about kids can hurt deep. A simple comment can feel like a dagger when it’s pointing out the fact that you don’t have children during the holidays like “Oh, must be nice to be able to decorate your home for Christmas, can’t do that if you have kids.’ seems like a normal comment, but what someone is complaining about we are longing for. I’ve had many of these & I’m so thankful that I’m able to shake them off and forgive, but it does bring out the loneliness which seems deeper around the holidays.

Quiet. 

How can quiet be so loud? At a time where we should be at preschool Christmas concerts & have kids on sugar highs running around the house screaming for Santa clause, we are [enjoying] peaceful nights snuggled on the couch watching cheesy Christmas movies & going on special dates among the holiday busyness. I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS TIME & I promise I’m not taking it for granted because Lord knows when we have children I will be savoring those moments even more, but it’s quiet & around the holidays that is a HUGE reminder of our loss. If you know me, I rarely ever slow down. I’m always busy with something whether it’s the store, fixing up our farmhouse, blogging, or just making something pretty, but when you slow down & the anxiety creeps in it can get very quiet.

 

Dread. 

This one is hard for me to type, because I hate that I feel this way, but sometimes I dread the holidays. I dread the thought that it will most likely be a reminder of the loss we have endured. I dread going to that holiday party where that one person says something that hurts. I dread being left out.I dread the thought that our babies are forgotten more and more every holiday season. I dread the thought of making others sad about our loss. I dread the tears that may or may not come. I dread the loneliness.I dread the quiet. The dread doesn’t come from being childless for me because there is too much joy in our lives to not trust in God’s plan for us, but the dread comes from the loss of our babies that should be here with us.

Hope.

What an odd one to feel when the other feelings are not as positive. But if you have been following along on our fertility journey for any amount of time, I hope there is one thing you have picked up on… I choose to see the hope, the joy, & the beauty in it all. Being childless at Christmas isn’t the worst when you know your babies are in Heaven living the most perfect life, when you believe and trust that it’s all in God’s hands, when you know your life is exactly how He wants it, when you realize that most people don’t know they are hurting your with their words & actions, when you have a loving and supportive family, & when you know that one day you will have a little here on earth & that you need to enjoy every moment of your life in this moment because you will miss it. & by you, I mean me. I mean everyone that is childless not by choice this holiday season. There is hope & the holidays can bring out that hopeful feeling when you are celebrating the true meaning of the season, when you realize how much there is to be thankful for, & when you look for it their is always joy.

On this fourth year our infertility journey and after so many losses it would be easy to be discouraged & to completely check out during the holidays, but I know this is God’s plan for us. I am so thankful that, though this is not the journey I ever thought we would be on, that I get to do it all with my best friend by my side. I sat down tonight not knowing what I was going to say on here, but I guess I know that you guys have been on this journey with us since day one & I know a lot of you in one way or another are in the same boat as we are. Maybe your struggle doesn’t look like ours, maybe it’s way different, but I never want you to feel like you are alone, especially during the holidays. I pray you feel more positivity and hope this season & that the other negative feelings fall away with the joy of the season. Thank you guys for always lifting our spirits & always making our journey a little easier. & as always, thank you for stopping by & supporting this little blog of mine. xx

Something I wrote last Christmas about infertility around the holidays

Read about Christmas after miscarriage [HERE]

photos by Tifani Lyn Photography.

 

30 thoughts on “Childless At Christmas

  1. Julie

    Goodness, what a stunning set of photos you will have to show your children when they are older; they will adore seeing the two of you so very much in love. I speak from experience when I say that knowing that you are the product of such faith and hope is something truly, truly special. A beautifully written post.

  2. Liz Cumbest

    I certainly sympathize with u Lizmarie. My niece is 36 n so longs for just one. Endometriosis is the cause of her being childless n has also has hef share of miscarriages. It’s sad but I know she would so love to just have at least one. She loves children so much and always has. It just breaks my heart to know that its a possibility she may never have one. After the last loss her body was so depleted the Dr also made her take a break from the fertility treatments. I know your pain because I can sure see hers when she watches all the children because she and her husband work with them ag her parents church. Praying for her and u and all the ones that long for that one chance to b a parent ❤

  3. Keating Ward

    Liz Marie. Your blood and posts have truly been an inspiration for me, not just your beautiful talent in your home and lifestyle, but in your complete infectious love and faith in God. God intervenes daily in our earthly struggles. You and Jise will be parents. Thank you for your lovely posts and inspiration! You are both in my prayers.

  4. Kayla

    I am just so grateful for you and your blog. Thank you for your transparency and genuine heart. Your struggle has helped me put in to words so much of my own. Thank you.

  5. Jenna

    While not the baby you were hoping for, it sounds as if your store is the baby that God intends for you at this moment. It is all in God’s plan, and you are easing the burdens of others in so many ways! Prayers to you for peace, joy, and love in this difficult season. Love from a fellow fertility participant 💜

  6. Melanie

    Hi Liz I see you at the store once in a while. Thanks for writing about your experiences. I have 3 beautiful children now, but we had 4 babies that went to heaven too before God gave us these. I can so relate to all that you talk about in your blog. Many times before I experienced the same remarks and hurts. So even though now we have children, I am sensitive to those who have no children and desire them so. My twin brother and wife had 10 years before they were given five. My sister it was 17 years and the Lord gave them 3. So there is hope. I’ll pray for you! For a child. God is good! He will keep you☺

  7. Liz

    My heart breaks for your losses.
    I pray you will find joy in the Christ child and be able to make time to take your friend’s children or nieces and nephews on Christmas adventures with just you and your husband. Every child feels special when singled out for special time. Please think about making a gift of yourself to someone’s child. Your life could have a huge impact on them.
    Sent with love, Merry Christmas.

  8. Eleni

    My sweet beautiful friend. Though I have never experienced a loss I do fully understand the feeling of being childless at Christmas….it really truly hurts in the most indescribable way. I am so beyond grateful for you words because you are helping so many women, my self included. I loved the connection we have made and the sisterhood that we have. We will always be ttcsisters and I believe a blessing is coming your way and you’ll look at the whole picture and say, ” i understand it all now…” biggest hugs in the world. Eleni

  9. Ginger Grnt Salmon

    Sweet lady, beautiful marriage, and lovely home. I think you are right in “taking a break” from fertility activity. Rest sweet girl, rest your mind and your body, enjoy the celebration of the birth of our Savior. I am sure God has something BIG in mind for you and your husband. It is so hard WAITING… on the Lord. As human’s our heart and souls say we want it…and we want it now. God’s timing is BEST. God has BLESSED you and you husband and He will continue to BLESS those that live and honor Him. Just relax, God does not need fetility doctors, He is The Great Physician, the healer of mind, body, and soul. May God bless you and your husband.
    Merry Christmas!

  10. Kelly Hecita

    This post touched home. We have been trying for 2 years with no luck. You are so right, little comments about being childless feel like daggers. A family friend told me something last year that has stuck with me… they suffered 3 miscarriages before having their son Lincoln. They said if those 3 babies hadn’t gone to heaven they wouldn’t have their sweet Lincoln. Not saying they wouldn’t love those 3 babies just as much as they love their Lincoln, but they wouldn’t have Lincoln who is so perfect and brings them so so so much love and joy.
    Everything happens for a reason, we are struggling to get pregnant because for some reason it is not our time just yet. You have your dream farmhouse and your dream shop, maybe God has been waiting for this to bless you two with a baby. Sending you a big hug, I hope you guys enjoy your Christmas! ❤❤

  11. Jill

    After a blighted ovum and miscarraige in September I have felt all of these emotions about the holidays this year. I appreciate your outlook and mention of hope. Christmas is the season for miracles and I am so hoping we get ours – and you, yours – sometime very soon! Thank you for the post, it helps to read other’s experiences. ❤️

  12. Kim kreis

    What a blessing though a hard one that you do know that those babies are not lost or wandering. They are with our Savior and you have millions of years to know them.
    I don’t know you at all but my heart is drawn to you. Why is that? Because knowing God makes us unified and it makes you willing to share and me willing to hear.
    I am praying right now for your body to rest and be healed. I am praying for Jesus to give you the desire of your hearts in little bundles.
    God gives good gifts to His children so I am praying for these gifts.
    Invite children into your life. Host special events for them.
    Go ahead and be a mother in other ways until God fulfills this prayer in your life.
    god bless you. No I will follow your life!

  13. Lindsay

    I really, really needed this post. Have come to a complete stopping point with my infertility. It’s just not going to happen for us (biologically) and I am about 6 months out from hearing this news. Consequently, this Christmas I notice kids and families even more. My heart just hurts. I need to feel like somewhere there are others going through this. Infertility is an extremely isolated, personal journey. THANK YOU for talking and blogging about it. You have no idea how much it means to me.

  14. Beverley

    Thank you for sharing . My husband retired not long ago from the Navy . We suffered with infertility ourselves and we suffered 5 losses . We were stationed in Guam and after a brutal late loss of twins we gave up . We decided no more . After being off treatments for a while I became pregnant – I could not believe it . I really felt why should this be any different ? I waited for the loss. It never came . My baby girl was born at the naval hospital in Guam a week early and is now 16 . This may sound strange but I am grateful for the losses – this girl is the most beautiful hearted angel I have ever met in my life . Everything up to that day lead me to her – I am forever grateful . I wish you peace , love and all your wishes to come true .

  15. suzie

    I have walked your shoes. Not 7 that I can’t imanige but felt the loss and Childless Christmas. Every Christmas for about 4 years my Sister in law would announce she was pregnant. Never hated it for her just made mine rise to the front. A friend told me God told her to share with me this: I had been waiting for a jewel when he had a diamond waiting for me. We adopted our first son and after a very tricky pregnancy he gave me another diamond that are. Ow 35 and 37. I pray for peace this Christmas and that he blesses you with the diamonds he has for you.

  16. Jane (yes my real name)

    I don’t think it is any loving God’s plan for a woman to have six miscarriages. I understand not all women feel the same, but having children is not necessary to be happy. Most women I know who have longed for kids had them and then regretted it. Their lives feel unfulfilled and they confide they feel trapped and miserable. Perhaps this is the universe telling you to concentrate on what you do have instead of what you don’t. Your body may also be trying to tell you something. Please listen to it and stop risking your health. After six miscarriages perhaps it is time to reconsider putting yourself through any further, unnecessary trauma. This holiday I hope for your peace of mind.

  17. Lindsey Olson

    Though we don’t know each other, I wanted to tell you that I pray for you often. I pray that God would give you a baby on earth in His perfect timing and I pray for peace, contentment and joy in the meantime. I went through 18 months of secondary infertility with 4 miscarriages and while I don’t know exactly what you’ve gone through firsthand, I do know the longing, aching, pain and hope. Hang in there. You’re doing an incredible job of trusting the Lord and he will bless you immensely for that. Your babies will have the most amazing Christmas this year with our savior but I know they must miss you as well. One day, you’ll be reunited with your tribe and it will be such a joyful occasion. I’ll keep praying for you and Jose. Peace & love from Texas.

  18. Christina Karnes

    What an amazing and inspirational post! I have recently started following you and your journey and had no idea of the miscarriages. I am truley sorry for your loss but am inspired but the love you have no only for the children you have lost but the future kids in your life. My husband an I have been told the we can not have kids and I know God has a plan for us and it is nice to read such an inspired message of hope after loss.
    Thank you.
    I hope you and your family had a wonderful Christmas!

    Christina

  19. Elizabeth

    Hi Liz
    So sorry to hear of your loss. I too had trouble with miscarriages. Although my husband and I didn’t start trying until I was 35 he was 46. If I had a do over…I would have frozen my eggs. Of course no one suggested this to me or I would have. I had one live birth. She’s now 12. I did a lot of research and read a book that opened my eyes about fertility. If you would like to know what I discovered I would be happy to share….what I can remember. My email is elstover032355@gmail.com. hang in there. Keep trying you’re still young! BTW I’m so in love with your house 😁. I love love your dinning room lighting, although I can’t determine how you were able to get electricity to the two chandeliers on the end? I don’t see an electrical lines.

  20. Lorrie Perry

    I suffered 5 miscarriages myself. We never did any infertility clinics back in the ’60’s, they simply weren’t into it too much then. We finally started the adoption process (but the new “pill” meant fewer children available). We put it into God’s hands, and after an (a bit inebriated) New Years party, I found found myself missing my monthly. I wasn’t excited to be pregnant again, knowing what was to come. But alas, on 9/22/1972, I became a Mother to a little girl. We stopped the adoption process, and 20 months later, another girl. 2years later, a boy surprised us!
    As my Mother told me way back then, “All children are God’s children. He loans them to us to to love them and teach them to be good. We all go back to the Lord! Maybe your road is adoption. Maybe someone ‘special is waiting for you and José! God bless you in your journey!

  21. Julie K

    This is my first time visiting your blog. I really appreciate your honesty and trust in the Lord. I know that trust is hard, especially when you can literally feel your plan and your dreams go unchecked. I will pray for you and your husband. Happy New Year and hopefully, happy year of the baby!

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  23. Jana-Lee

    We lost our third baby on Christmas day. I was almost 12 weeks and was so hopeful that this one was going to go all the way. I guess Jesus wanted a Christmas gift too and after all He has done for me I cannot begrudge Him that gift. I have been grieving more this time than with the first two, probably because I had more time to hope and dream. My due date was two days before my birthday in July and now the promise of that gift is gone. It is a huge hole in my heart right now.
    Reading your blog and the stories of each of your seven miscarriages helped me tremendously. Thank you, Lizmarie. I do hope and pray that the Lord blesses you with a child you can hold on this earth. I so admire your willingness to accept God’s plan and embrace the beautiful life He’s given you. You are an inspiration.

  24. Ellie

    I just wanted to thank you so much for your beautiful, thoughtful posts, and wish you all the very very best for this new year. I have been reading your blog for years, absolutely loving your style and all your homes, especially the beautiful farmhouse! I had always read your posts on infertility and miscarriage too – it was something I had no knowledge of but was always so impacted by the grace, faith and love you met all your challenges with. This December I miscarried our first child at 6 weeks, and really struggled in the lead up to Christmas with all the festivities. Your blog was one of the first places I turned and I can’t tell you the strength and comfort I found from reading your inspiring perspective and words on your experiences especially your Christmas posts. I just wanted to write to say what a difference you have made to such a difficult time, to thank you for being brave enough to articulate so many complicated emotions and to tell you that I hope and pray for all you wish for in 2017.

    1. Diana

      First time to read ur blog. Thank u for u. There is sympathy and then empathy. Ur path is difficult and u r not asking for either.
      Blessings to u and ur husband

  25. Monica

    Hi Liz! What a beautiful and open blog. The emptiness and pain in your heart will never fully go away but the Lord has bigger plans for you than you could ever image that right now might not even seem possible. He loves you and wants the best for you. I don’t know if this would be helpful, and I continually adore all of your farmhouse finds, but has your fertility doctor addressed possible lead exposure causing decreases in fertility? I only say this because it happened to a friend of mine and it was linked back to unsealed lead paint from antiques around her house. Prayers and hugs!

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