Category Archives: Miscarriage & Fertility

Why I’m Open About Miscarriage & Infertility

I was inspired to share this with you guys from an encounter I had at our store yesterday. I was casually rearranging things when a woman asked if I was Liz Marie… I of course responded that I was & we started chatting. She told me that she had recently started following my blog for home decor inspiration, but quickly found our fertility and miscarriage story & was more connected to that part of my blog than the home decor. You see, she herself had just suffered a miscarriage recently & she felt alone. She felt like she wasn’t supposed to talk about it & that no one else was talking about it. The worst part? I have this same conversation with women weekly in our store, I get these emails weekly in my inbox, & I get these comments weekly here on the blog. Women coming to me and thanking me for being open about our fertility & miscarriage struggles because they feel like it’s taboo to talk about, that it’s weird to bring up in conversation, but I’m here to tell you that I won’t be silent about it. I won’t be scared to talk openly about it. I won’t stop wanting to reach out to others who have lost babies or who have struggled with fertility so that they don’t feel alone.

I don’t mean to sound like a crazy activist wanting to shove my beliefs down your throat. Or that I think I’m awesome for being open about our journey. It’s not that at all. It’s because I’ve felt pushed by God to share. It’s because I feel called to share our testimony. It’s that I want to be open & loud that miscarriage is real & that infertility is reality for many many many people. It’s because I want to be loud for those who choose graciously and honorably to be quiet about their journey. I myself have felt shamed for sharing our story so openly by people that were actually close to me & shamed by people calling me a mom since all of our babies were in heaven & not here on earth. I have been left out on purpose by groups of moms & even told that I shouldn’t be so open about our loss because it makes others uncomfortable. It hurts. It really does. But being open about our fertility struggles & our babies that we lost too soon far outweigh that hurt & their short lives inspired me to openly share their story & our story to hopefully reach one person. One person that feels lonely, that feels forgotten, that feels left out,  I really want to make that one person feel a little less alone in their journey.

All in all I pray for a day when a woman isn’t shamed or made to feel left out when she is struggling with fertility or when she loses a baby. I want men to feel like they can openly talk about these things without feeling weird. I want those who have struggled & those who have never struggled to all feel like they can have open and honest conversations about all subjects surrounding infertility & pregnancy loss. Until then I try to be open & I will try to be there to talk to for anyone struggling through these tough times. Though we have had six miscarriages & 6 years of struggling with fertility, I am no expert on what to say or how to comfort anyone, but the one thing I can do is listen to those that choose to share their journeys & to talk for those who choose to be quiet about their journey. I choose to share my passions here on the blog like DIY & home decor, but I really want to use this platform to spread joy & hope as well. My heart is filled with hope & filled with joy no matter what is on our journey, & I truly want to share that with you guys. Thank you guys for always supporting us through our fertility journey & I want you to know that all of your support inspires me to keep sharing. It can be so scary to be vulnerable and open, but the love & support encourages me so much. Thank You. xx

 

Click [HERE] to read more about our fertility & miscarriage journey.

2017 Word Of The Year – Happy New Year!

Happy New Year friends! I know a lot of people hate the whole “cliche” of making new years resolutions & all of that, but I like to use the new year as a reset. A time of reflection, a time to see what I improved on in the year before, & what I can improve on in the coming new year. I’ve learned in my short time as an adult that I will never completely change or all of the sudden be this perfectly fit person who always makes healthy choices & is super organized in every area of my life just because it’s a new year. BUT i know that I can work hard at improving myself & the new year is the perfect fresh start & motivation to do that. For the past few years when the new year hits I come up with a word for the upcoming year that I want to use as inspiration. This year is no different. Over dinner on New Years Eve Jose & I did a lot of chatting & came up with the perfect word for me in this upcoming year…

bal·ance
noun
1. an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady.

Balance. Why that word? Well, in 2016 that was one thing I couldn’t grasp no matter how hard I tried. We opened the store, we moved in to our 1800’s farmhouse, we got a farm, we struggled through our infertility journey, we found a church finally, we worked, we went to school, we tried having social lives, we did countless projects, & all around we struggled with balance.  I was rushed the whole year, behind on everything the whole year, forgetful the whole year, & unbalanced the whole year. I don’t want to live like that. Of course I will never completely be balanced & on top of everything, but I know if I work on balance & find the root of being balanced in all the different areas will help me improve my day to day life. I need schedules, I need lists, I need time off, I need rest, I need to exorcise , I need to eat healthier, I need to sleep more, I need to be more intentional in my work, I need to talk to God more, I need to find balance with all of these things & I’m going to take huge steps to make this happen. One big thing I’m starting with is purging. We spent some time this weekend purging things & getting rid of a lot of stuff from our farmhouse this past weekend & we will be doing a lot more the next few weeks, but I’m also going to be purging unnecessary things from my life like time suckers that don’t need my attention, anxieties about things that are out of my control, & just nonsense things that don’t benefit me in rest, work, or others around me. I want a better sleep schedule, more attention to the ones that I love, & more time to relax & really take the simple moments in. I think you get it, this girl needs balance. I’m craving structure & that feeling of having parts of my life together.

I know I’m not alone in this whole un-balance thing & that a lot of you probably feel the same way. i know a lot of people blame it on me being so busy, but I think I have more control over it than I give myself credit for. & though this post may seem negative towards myself & my life, it’s actually so positive. I’m truly not being hard on myself, but I simply can’t wait to improve on this in my life & to feel balanced & more put together. I laugh off a lot of things I do when I make mistakes when my life becomes out of control, but I’m kind of sick of being the unbalanced one that everyone says “oh bless your heart” to. I want to be that put together business owner that I am & I want to be more on top of things to help benefit me, my family, & others around me. 2017 is that year. After a whirlwind year that was impossible to keep balanced I’m ready to make work towards more balance in all areas of my life. That is once we get the new store up and running of course. You can read more about the new store [HERE]. So do you have a word of the year? I would LOVE to hear what your word is or if you made any resolutions. Let me know in the comments below, find me on Facebook, or chat with me on Instagram. I can’t wait to hear from you! xx

Read my 2016 word of the year [here]

Childless At Christmas

I just sat down on the sofa after a long day at the shop. It is so fun to work at our shop during the holidays. I get to be a part of everyone’s holiday season by helping them pick out gifts, hearing about their traditions, & just being a part of everyone’s Christmas cheer. I love it! I also get to be a sounding board for people who are dreading the holiday. Those that have suffered great loss & are feeling the impact of it as we get closer because of the constant reminders of the missing person in their lives. I love everyone’s presence from the overjoyed to the saddened because I feel like when they leave they leave with a little more joy after getting to chat with someone & do some fun shopping. After being blessed by everyone at the shop today as I drove home I realized that Christmas is only 4 days away & while my heart is filled with joy I am suddenly reminded in the craziness of the holidays of the huge loss we have suffered as a couple & just how different Christmas looks with a baby who would be almost 4 years old in heaven & 6 more that have followed that sweet baby.. all in heaven & all missed greatly here on earth.

Though I would love to title this post “Christmas while waiting for a baby”, I simply can’t because quite frankly I feel like to title it that it would imply that Jose and I were trying to grow our family. It’s been a year and a half since our last loss & we have never even talked about or stepped foot in a fertility office since then. Life has been so beautiful with the two of us, we are enjoying the honey moon phase going in our 10th year marriage, God has truly blessed us  & we felt like a break was needed in our fertility journey. Remember when I told you guys that after each loss God makes something BIG happen in our life. Well, the store was born shortly after our 6th miscarriage & that has been a major life altering event. In the best way possible shortly after that God gave us our farm & our 1800’s fixer upper farmhouse. It’s been crazy here in the best way possibly & I’m so thankful. God always provides & always seems to bring us so much joy in every season of our lives. But Jose and I are labeled “childless” by earthly standards & that can feel strange, scary, & hopeless, when we have 7 babies in heaven that we wish so badly were here with us to celebrate this joyous season with.  I can’t speak for everyone who is childless at Christmas during infertility struggles, but I can speak for us & maybe some can relate to how it feels to be childless during the holidays…


Lonely. 

For me I have moments of loneliness. Not only because we wish so badly that our babies were here with us for all the festivities, but also that our peers and family would include us in during those festivities. During the holidays I feel like I’m on high alert for being sensitive & though they may not mean it, not being invited to the Christmas tree lighting or not being included in conversations simply because they are about kids can hurt deep. A simple comment can feel like a dagger when it’s pointing out the fact that you don’t have children during the holidays like “Oh, must be nice to be able to decorate your home for Christmas, can’t do that if you have kids.’ seems like a normal comment, but what someone is complaining about we are longing for. I’ve had many of these & I’m so thankful that I’m able to shake them off and forgive, but it does bring out the loneliness which seems deeper around the holidays.

Quiet. 

How can quiet be so loud? At a time where we should be at preschool Christmas concerts & have kids on sugar highs running around the house screaming for Santa clause, we are [enjoying] peaceful nights snuggled on the couch watching cheesy Christmas movies & going on special dates among the holiday busyness. I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS TIME & I promise I’m not taking it for granted because Lord knows when we have children I will be savoring those moments even more, but it’s quiet & around the holidays that is a HUGE reminder of our loss. If you know me, I rarely ever slow down. I’m always busy with something whether it’s the store, fixing up our farmhouse, blogging, or just making something pretty, but when you slow down & the anxiety creeps in it can get very quiet.

 

Dread. 

This one is hard for me to type, because I hate that I feel this way, but sometimes I dread the holidays. I dread the thought that it will most likely be a reminder of the loss we have endured. I dread going to that holiday party where that one person says something that hurts. I dread being left out.I dread the thought that our babies are forgotten more and more every holiday season. I dread the thought of making others sad about our loss. I dread the tears that may or may not come. I dread the loneliness.I dread the quiet. The dread doesn’t come from being childless for me because there is too much joy in our lives to not trust in God’s plan for us, but the dread comes from the loss of our babies that should be here with us.

Hope.

What an odd one to feel when the other feelings are not as positive. But if you have been following along on our fertility journey for any amount of time, I hope there is one thing you have picked up on… I choose to see the hope, the joy, & the beauty in it all. Being childless at Christmas isn’t the worst when you know your babies are in Heaven living the most perfect life, when you believe and trust that it’s all in God’s hands, when you know your life is exactly how He wants it, when you realize that most people don’t know they are hurting your with their words & actions, when you have a loving and supportive family, & when you know that one day you will have a little here on earth & that you need to enjoy every moment of your life in this moment because you will miss it. & by you, I mean me. I mean everyone that is childless not by choice this holiday season. There is hope & the holidays can bring out that hopeful feeling when you are celebrating the true meaning of the season, when you realize how much there is to be thankful for, & when you look for it their is always joy.

On this fourth year our infertility journey and after so many losses it would be easy to be discouraged & to completely check out during the holidays, but I know this is God’s plan for us. I am so thankful that, though this is not the journey I ever thought we would be on, that I get to do it all with my best friend by my side. I sat down tonight not knowing what I was going to say on here, but I guess I know that you guys have been on this journey with us since day one & I know a lot of you in one way or another are in the same boat as we are. Maybe your struggle doesn’t look like ours, maybe it’s way different, but I never want you to feel like you are alone, especially during the holidays. I pray you feel more positivity and hope this season & that the other negative feelings fall away with the joy of the season. Thank you guys for always lifting our spirits & always making our journey a little easier. & as always, thank you for stopping by & supporting this little blog of mine. xx

Something I wrote last Christmas about infertility around the holidays

Read about Christmas after miscarriage [HERE]

photos by Tifani Lyn Photography.

 

New Seasons During Infertility

There is something about a change of the season during our fertility journey. It doesn’t matter if it’s spring, summer, fall, or winter, the change of seasons are always hard on me. It’s like a reminder that I am entering yet another season not holding those babies of mine in heaven & yet another season that we don’t have our baby here on earth. It’s also a strange note that I need to add that even though it’s been a year and a half since we have tried to add a baby to our family, it still isn’t easy. As soon as the mention of fall was in the air the heartache was there & there is still this constant pain that comes as the weather becomes cooler and the leaves start turning color this fall. Fall seems to be the hardest season change in this fertility journey that I have found myself in the middle of…

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

 

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

 

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

Fall is my all time favorite season. The weather is cooler, there are big cozy sweaters involved, lots of lattes, get togethers with family & friends, & this time of year is just magical. But there is also a big void. These past few weeks I’ve been really struggling in my head & my heart with the new season & I didn’t want to keep it to myself. Maybe it’s because I should be taking my babies to the pumpkin patch, I should be picking apples with them, having family photos take, & I should be snuggled with them in our farmhouse. I’m stuck between discontent & being the happiest girl alive enjoying the beautiful season among us living in our dream farmhouse and having my dream job & owning our dream store. I’m married to my best friend and just like most people there is one thing in my life that has hurt me to my core so badly that I’m not sure I will ever heal from it. I can’t say this yet, but even after we have our baby here on earth my motherly instincts tell me that my heart will still long for those seven babies of ours in heaven. Something tells me that a hurt like that leaves a lasting impression on your heart & mind and that until we meet those babies in heaven  we will still feel the sting every time the leaves change.

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

 

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

 

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

 

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

 

Farmhouse Fall Style - Liz Marie Blog

Every year this happens, every season a new and additional surge of raw feelings. At 28 years old & being on this fertility journey since I was 23, we have been through a lot of seasons & in each one we were at a different stage of our fertility journey. Some season changes have been during a miscarriage, some season changes have been during our struggles to get pregnant, & all have been during our waiting. Just the changing seasons, my feelings change from sadness, to anger, to joy, to exhaustion, to hurt, impatience, to continent, & back to sadness all over again. It never gets easier, but I know that this fertility journey is just one big season of our lives that God has called us to do & that He is preparing us for something great. I am and always will be thankful for this season because it has made me a better person, it has made me appraise things more than anyone I know, it has made me feel things deeper, & love harder, & for that I am grateful. This season is hard, but this season is also a beautiful one filled with opportunities I would have never had, dreams I could have never dreamed, & hope that I would have never had. If you are going through a season of hurt & the pain of the changing seasons opened a wound in you, you are not alone. New seasons can open old wounds & it’s all part of the journey. But new seasons can also bring hope & understanding as well. Cling to what is good & cling to your faith in knowing that with each season comes new beginnings. Thank you guys for helping us on this journey & for being with us every step of the way. xx

 

“The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.” Lamentations 3:25

 

I Was Prayed Over On Top Of Magnolia Market

No words can really explain what happened when I visited Magnolia Market last week but I did say that I would blog my experience so I will try to share it with you today. Last week, as many of you know, I visited Magnolia Market with the Magnolia Home Paint team. It was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had and the best part about it was that I had no idea how awesome it was going to be. I mean I’ve always wanted to visit Magnolia market but I didn’t know when that would be or how it would happen and so when I finally got the opportunity I thought cool I finally get to see what it’s all about. Little did I know that it would be a life-changing experience. I didn’t go there with any expectations & I certainly didn’t go there looking for God.  The beauty of Magnolia Market is deeper than the surface. Of course every inch of Magnolia Market is dreamy & photoshoot worthy, but it’s also so much more than that. I was going to come on here today and give you my tour guide of waco and go on and on how amazing it was. It was. I about fainted 90 times from all the beauty every time I turned a new corner [I mean even the bathrooms were cute. Who does that?], but I couldn’t help but share about how God met me in Waco as well…

My Trip to Magnolia Market - Magnolia Market Silos Waco Texas

My Trip to Magnolia Market - Magnolia Market Silos Waco Texas

My Trip to Magnolia Market - Magnolia Market Silos Waco Texas

My Trip to Magnolia Market - Magnolia Market Silos Waco Texas

 

My Trip to Magnolia Market - Magnolia Market Silos Waco Texas

I know God is with me everywhere I go. He always has been & always will be. I feel His presence when I think of it, & I try to welcome Him in to every moment of my day, but sometimes, because I’m human, I will be going on with my busy life & He sends some big reminders that He is there. Like at Magnolia Market. The second I walked into the market on Wednesday night after I flew in I felt a calming presence. Like pulling up to my grams house for a visit. The energy level was half inspiring & half soothing. A perfect mix for my creative soul. & very much needed from my tireless weeks I’ve been having and the next day the God moments started. I won’t share them all with you because I know I share a lot on here, but some are a little private at the moment & some I just still can’t put into words. But right away I started meeting wonderful people. First was the Kilz team, I had no idea what to expect when I showed up all by myself & I ended up knowing two of the people on the team & they happened to have been my favorites from another project I was on & I had no idea they would be there. Also the rest of the team was amazing & all my fears of showing up alone quickly went away. During the silobration as I was walking around the market alone complete strangers were stopping to chat with me in the market including police officers who truly just wanted to chat about the weather & how I prefer my coffee. I met some random couples & we were talking like old friends in the first five minutes.  The people there were just nice. Then I started to meet some of my blog readers… & that was God moment after God moment. I first of all couldn’t believe how many wonderful people recognized this little girl from Michigan wearing her big floppy hat who happens to just share her little life online. Women who shared fertility struggles coming to chat with me & share their testimonies, women who have never had been to Magnolia who were not planning to come but came when they saw I was there so we could meet, men [yes, I guess there are a few of you!] who wanted to say thank me for inspiring them to start doing DIY projects, girls who felt like we were instant best friends, & so on. It was a dream to meet so many of you in such a creative space. But most of all I was humbled that anyone would ever want to meet me.. and I’m not just saying that, I truly don’t know why anyone would  want to come say hi or see me, but I am so grateful & will never take those moments for granted. Even when I’m in Target with  no makeup & a messy bun.. Love it. All day I had reassurance that Jose & I were being prayed for.. strangers coming up to us and telling us they pray for us & our 7 babies in heaven & our someday baby here on earth. It was such gift knowing that we are not alone on this journey & I’m so thankful for that strong reminder while at Magnolia Market. Lately I have been feeling very alone & struggling with our loss & infertility & this was such a gift knowing we have so many friends who faithfully pray for us.

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There were also so many God moments in meeting people in my creative field as well while I was there. One of them happened while visiting the Findery [you must visit while in Waco!] that was down the road from The Silos. I met all the owners & their sweet employees. We chatted about things that were weighing on me in this business & without even looking for answers a lot of my questions were now gone. & I never even had to ask. I honestly didn’t want to walk around Waco anymore than I had to in the heat, but I felt a push & I’m so thankful that I went. Through my short time wandering Waco it’s like God led me to meet all of these amazing people that all taught me and helped me in some way. I also met some amazing vendors at the Silobration that were so inspiring and encouraging. Every time I started a conversation with someone during this trip I left feeling more full of life, more inspired, & smiling from ear to ear. I’m telling you, it was weird. If I didn’t know better I would think that someone planned all of this. Actually now that I typed that out, I’m dumb, it was planned. & I’m so thankful. I won’t bore you with all of the business talk, but every corner I turned seemed to be filled with more opportunities & after a few months of really burning myself out, I felt refreshed in my business life & my creative brain. Much needed!

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Then there was the night I attended the Johnny Swim concert. Oh, that beautiful, life changing night. The Magnolia Home paint team & I were able to attend the concert on the rooftop of the Magnolia Market. It was a dream come true to see the beautiful place from such a high vantage point. The first memorable part of the night is being in Joanna’s presence for a few moments on the way to the rooftop in her office. Remember how I said Magnolia Market carried that peaceful vibe? Well, so does she. She is everything you see on TV & more. A beautiful down to earth woman who looks you in the eyes when you talk & treats everyone like they are someone. I gathered that from the 60 seconds I was in her presence. Her mom & sister are the same, they will make you feel like family after you meet them once. When Chip & Jo went onto stage & started talking it was like God was like “Hey Liz, you need to hear this.” Of course Chip & Joanna were hilarious as always, but they shared a deep message that really struck me. I think everyone could have gotten something different from it, but they spoke about not being able to do it all, slowing down, family & friends first, & to really take it all in. Oh my. I’m one of those who thinks she needs to do it all. I’m a people pleaser, a night owl, & work has always taken a priority. It took hearing that from two people I had never met to make me notice that. I need to slow down. I need to give myself a break & not put so much pressure on myself. I need to put my family & myself first. It’s all going to work out. There words were so raw & real. Of course Johnnyswim was dreamy and I’m a new fan of them as well & listening to their music really just made the night a complete dream.

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& then came a moment I never saw coming. The defining moment of the entire weekend at the silos that brought all of the God moments together. I went out of my comfort zone to say hi to a beautiful woman I had seen walking around the silobration that day. I had spotted her earlier in the day wearing a beautiful dress rocking a baby in a crowd of people & she had a glow around her that I couldn’t ignore. I didn’t meet her during the day & so when I saw her on the roof of the market that night I had to say hi. Best decision ever. She had the most calming energy I had ever experienced and as she sat swaying her baby as we talked I found myself starting to sway with her  as we got to know each other. She was wonderful. Her name is Jen & she is a singer, has amazing style, makes cute babies, & just oozed with the love of the Lord. Of course she is so much more, but this is about the moment that meeting her created. We were joined by Jamie from Three Twenty Co., & Christina Crenshaw. We talked about a lot of wonderful things & then the beautiful topic of babies came up & I somewhat froze. I am very open about our miscarriages & our fertility. It usually never bothers me to bring it up, but this night was so upbeat & I had just met these women. When it came to me, I just blurted it out, “We have 7 beautiful babies in heaven.” & there was a pause, but not for long & they all chimed in like I had just said that I had a beautiful baby at home. They were not phased by my rather alarming statement I had just made. They started sharing their journeys with fertility & gave me stories of hope. Then the moment I NEVER saw coming happened. Jamie asked if they could all pray over me. I was shocked. These women who I just met wanted to lay hands on me & pray. Of course I said yes. I can’t begin to explain the words they all spoke over me, but it was the most caring an loving thing that anyone has ever done for me that I just met. What an amazing gift. After they were done praying I felt a new spirit in me, I felt renewed in my faith, I felt changed. This might have been a small moment for them, but to me it was huge. It was something I will never forget. There I was at the top of Magnolia Market, surrounded by these Godly women, the breeze of the Texas air whipping around us, Johnnyswim playing in the background, & These wonderful women praying over me.

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& that’s how the week at Magnolia was. It was filled with small & big moments that I felt God in. I didn’t go there looking for God, but God met me there. He introduced me to some amazing people, He showed me a lot of things I needed to see, He taught me a lot about myself, & He certainly showed me that He is always there. I truly believe that the Gaines built that place upon The Lord & that He had His hand in all of it & it shows through everything that happened to me on that trip. I’m so thankful that they invited God into that place & I’m so thankful that they invite all of us to come there and experiece not only their creative talents, but the Holy Spirit. Thank you Chip & Jo!!!! xx

 

Ps. I will be blogging my fun experience with Magnolia Home Paint very soon as well because that’s a whole other amazing story. Thank you to Magnolia Home Paint & Kilz for bringing me on this amazing trip!

I’m a Mess.

Are you here looking for perfection? Something magazine worthy & without flaws? Well, I’m terribly sorry, you won’t find that here. I’m an absolute mess. I wash my hair maybe twice a week, I hardly dust my house, Most of the time I have yesterdays mascara on & zit cream on my face at noon still, our home has a few areas that are presentable & the rest is a jumbled mess, I’m always late, I’m terrible at returning phone calls, making plans gives me anxiety, & I’m the most sensitive little creature you could ever meet. Funny story… Jose calls me his little creature sometimes haha. It sounds mean, but he’s always commenting at how cute & little I am & it is just a funny thing. Anyways, back to me being a mess. I feel like sometimes I give the wrong impression like I have it all together. 5 nights out of 7 I don’t even take time to make dinner because I feel so behind or my anxiety creeps up on me & I feel paralyzed by the pressures of the world. Am I writing this for therapy? Maybe. Am I writing this for you to feel bad for me? Heck no. I’m writing this so maybe you feel normal. Maybe you see all my photos on Instagram or my blog posts & you think I have it all together, that my life is all beautiful barns & pretty rooms, & that I am always smiling & laughing. Nope. I struggle. A lot. I don’t share my anxiety with everyone because frankly I feel like it’s quite the downer, but man do I struggle. Some mornings Jose holds me in bed because my heart feels like it’s going to pound out of my chest simply from the daily tasks ahead. There are days I think about our 8 babies in heaven and I can’t find the light in the world thinking about the darkness of losing them. There are moments when I feel so alone when I am surrounded by people. I mean I could go on, but you guys I’m saying this to let you know that I don’t have it all together….

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I don’t share this a whole lot because I think I’m good at hiding it, but I have really bad social anxiety. I get anxious to leave my house, I struggle meeting new people, & I’m quite intimidated by just about everyone. When I’m at the store & a group of people come up & want to meet me.. I get so nervous! I end up saying really awkward things & that’s really me.. an awkward mess. But I’m realizing that it’s ok. It’s ok to be messy. Life is messy & sometimes it’s nice to not pretend that everything is peachy when it’s not.  It’s nice to not put on a front & to be dare I say, real? Now, don’t get me wrong…  There is a lot of beauty in my life. All of the photos & blog posts I share are real.. there is a lot of real beauty in my life, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. I love my life. I know I’ve highlighted the negatives in the beginning of this post, but honestly I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. I know we all are in different seasons of life & the season I am in now is quite amazing, but I also know there will be harder & easier seasons as well. God has given me struggles like he gives to everyone else, but I’m thankful for mine because each struggle has made me a better person & turned into a million more blessings. I’m sharing this because when I get comments of “I’m so jealous of your life” or something similar to that on social media it doesn’t make me happy, it makes me sad & I want to blurt out to that person that maybe there are parts of my life that they love, but we all have our struggles. You are not alone. That’s what it is.. my main point, you are not alone. We will never measure up to everyones expectations. You will let people down, you will fail, you will hurt, but what matters is that you keep moving, you forgive yourself, you learn something from the situation, & those that matter will forgive you & love you no matter what. Your struggles may look different from my struggles, but what bonds us is our perseverance & how we deal with those downfalls in our life.

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I honestly started writing this post tonight because I was feeling like I was falling short. I felt like the emails were piling up, the to-do list was too long, my hair is dirty, the house is torn apart, I haven’t opened up my Bible Study in forever, & I couldn’t write about the pretty in my life in fear that you might think that’s all there is in my life…. pretty. Some of it is ugly & some of it is pretty & I try to find balance in it all out everyday. I love finding the beauty in every second of everyday. I love finding the lesson in hard times, I love finding the joy in a bad day, I love embracing my flaws, & I love accepting everyone despite their flaws as well. I will continue to seeing the beauty in every moment & sharing it with you because that’s what I do & that’s what makes me happy. I like updating my Instagram, blog, pinterest, & facebook daily with beautiful random moments of my day, the good & bad of projects we are working on, the farmhouse renovation, our unfolding fertility story, & the journey through all of it. But don’t ever think that our life is perfect because it’s not… it’s a beautiful mess just like me. xx

 

My view in our backyard tonight as I wrote this…

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& it’s moments like this that I’m thankful for the struggle, thankful for God’s reminders of his plans for us, thankful that I am not in control, & thankful for this beautiful life we live. There is beauty in every moment, you just have to look for it.

The Hard Days…

Those hard days. The ones that no one wants to talk about or read about for that matter. Well, I’m sorry, but I am here to tell you that I have hard days sometimes & I can’t keep that to myself for fear that you think that all my days are good & that I’m always strong. I have now been sharing our fertility journey here on the blog for three years. I have shared about our loss, how I get through our miscarriages, how loss has brought me closer to God, my diagnosis, & a lot more. I get emails, comments, & messages daily saying how strong I am for enduring all our losses, but I did want to come on here today & share with you that I am not always strong. I have weak moments where I feel like breaking down & giving up. It’s not very often that I share the bad days. Those hard days where the thought of losing our babies becomes so overwhelming & the thought of continuing on our fertility seems hopeless. These days are very far & few in between, but they exist & I wouldn’t be honest with you if I didn’t share them with you. I am not one to sit around & dwell on things, but some days are just hard & that is quite normal I think. This week I had a few hard days & I felt compelled to share with you because maybe one of you is having a hard day & you feel alone.

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We are litteraly living our dream right now. We have our dream farmhouse, a store, we are starting a farm, spending wonderful years as best friends being married, getting new opportunities everyday, & so much more. I know all of these things are blessings from God & that this is where He wants us in this moment & I trust that with all of my heart. I do. But I am human & there are some days that it’s hard for me to function. If we had never suffered a loss of a child we would have a three year old right now. That is one of the hardest thoughts I have. & some weeks where thoughtless comments from others make me cry I wish that I could just stay in bed all day. There are some days where I just feel like no one understands how the loss effects me. I feel like no one cares, I feel like our babies are forgotten by everyone, I feel lost, scared, uncertain, I get aches of “why me?”, & I go down a dark path of wondering what it would be like if our babies were here with us. All of these feelings make me feel alone in those moments because the world goes on around me like nothing is happening. But when I’m not having a hard day I know this isn’t true. Sure others don’t feel the extreme pain of losing our children like we do, but there are people who care, who love our babies in heaven, & who are there for us on our journey. It’s those hard days that make everything seem just a little bit harder than it has to be. In those hard days there is a lot of darkness & not a lot of light.

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Lately we have been so busy with the farmhouse, the store, good days, & life, that I’ve been getting worn out easily & can’t possibly imagine having children on top of all of this stuff, but that doesn’t mean the ache of loss isn’t there. That doesn’t mean we wouldn’t have been overjoyed to have our babies here with us through it all to make us more exhausted in the best way possible. It’s always there, but sometimes it’s harder to handle than other days. When feelings are triggered by a hurtful comment from someone close to you, when you feel like there isn’t support or sympathy from people you love, & when occasions come like due dates & holidays that make you miss your babies more than usual it hurts & it makes the day hard. The one thing I have learned through these years of fertility is to know that not everyone knows what they are saying hurts you, some people don’t know how to comfort you, & there will be days that are harder than others. You are not alone in your loss. Hard days are normal. Hard days will come, but they will go. I promise. Hold tight to hope through those hard days. Hold on to God’s promise. Know that you are not alone. Know that whatever you are feeling through your loss & fertility journey is normal. Pray for healing, know that there are better days ahead. I cling to these words in my hard days & I hope it helps some of you too. Romans 8:18 “The pain you are feeling is nothing compared to the joy that is coming.” Thank you all for helping me with my hard days. Thank you for supporting us on our fertility journey. Thank you for understanding the ups & downs of our miscarriage story. Thank you for aknowleding our babies in heaven when you meet me in person & online. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you. I hope that I can help you in some small way through your hard days as well. xx

 

On one of my hard days this week this video popped up on my facebook of Hillary Scott from Lady Antebellum singing a song she wrote about her miscarriage & I completely broke down and sobbed. Sometimes a good cry is just what the doctor ordered & the words of this song spoke right to my soul & said everything that I felt. I hope this song comforts you today in some way & helps those of you who have suffered loss..

 

 

 

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Read about our miscarriages [here]

You Are A Mom.

You are a mom - Happy Mothers day to all moms in all stages of Motherhood.

I read an article recently that kind of got my blood boiling. It really takes a lot for me to get upset by an article online. I’m really good at just scrolling past things I don’t agree with & going along my merry way. BUT this one made me stop & really think. I’m not going to name names or give away this particular article because she is allowed to have her opinions, & today I’m going to give mine here in my happy place. Basically the premise of the article that I was was reading said you are not a mom until you change diapers or wake up multiple times a night to feed a baby. That makes you a mom. Not the fact that you have a living human in you with a tiny heart beat. Nope, this article said that you shouldn’t call yourself a mother & be thankful for that 9 months when you still are not a mom because we are all in for a “rude awakening” for when the baby is born & you are “actually a mother.” Whoa. I wasn’t going to talk about this, but it’s Mother’s Day this weekend so I thought it might be a good time for me to just voice my little opinion & then enjoy my weekend celebrating my 6 babies in Heaven, because guess what? I am proud to call myself a Mom to those angel babies & I hope that any of you reading this with babies that left us too soon realize you are a mom to those precious souls too.

You are a mom - Happy Mothers day to all moms in all stages of Motherhood.

My first issue with this is my Biblical belief. I know we all have different religious views & ways we interpret them, but the Bible I read says that The Lord formed us in our Mothers womb & that we are all fearfully & wonderfully made. Our life starts in the womb. This all starts when we are in our mothers womb. This all starts at conception. What a beautiful thing to go into our first ultrasound & see that beautiful heartbeat & see our child for the first time. Because that is your child right? That you are looking at on the screen. Then doesn’t that make you that child’s mother? Your child is safely snuggled inside of you safe from the outside world & you have already started caring for your baby right when you got that positive pregnancy test. You quit the caffeine, you quit lifting heavy objects, you started taking those pesky prenatal vitamins, you started reading those baby books, & you already love that baby of yours. You are a mom.

You are a mom - Happy Mothers day to all moms in all stages of Motherhood.

You are a mom - Happy Mothers day to all moms in all stages of Motherhood.

My second issue is the measurement of when you are a mom. Who determines this? The article specifically said you are not a mom until these three things: You change diapers, you feed your baby on the outside, & you wake up multiple times a night. Ok, so her opinion is that if you do not do these three things you are not a mom. I respect her opinion, but I’m going to have to disagree. I believe that’s just another stage of being a mom. Being a mom has many stages. You get pregnant & this is an exciting time of being a mom where you start caring for your little babe when it’s inside of you & the excitement builds to their birthday. Then you give birth you are in a whole new stage of being a mom where you actually get to meet this amazing being that has been making you so sick for 9 months. Then the baby is a toddler & you are in a whole new phase of being a mom where the nugget starts running around & touching everything and asking questions. Can you imagine if someone told you that you were not a mom until your kid was two and they started walking, or if you were not a mom until your kid was 5 & in kindergarten, or until your kid was 16 & could drive? That’s ridiculous, so why are you not a mom to that little baby inside of you, just because it’s not needing it’s diaper changed yet? This whole you are not a “real mom” until this [insert phase of life] is kind of hurtful to the mom & the child. Why does size or formation of your child count as a measurement to determine if you are a mom yet? Your body was able to conceive life & your baby has started developing like it will the rest of it’s life when it’s outside of you. You are a mom.

You are a mom - Happy Mothers day to all moms in all stages of Motherhood.

You are a mom - Happy Mothers day to all moms in all stages of Motherhood.

My final thought tonight, I could go on for hours, is kind of a hard one, but something that has run through my mind. If you take a pregnancy test & realize you are pregnant & celebrate & a week later you start to bleed & find out you miscarried, or if you have gone through your whole pregnancy & lose your child during birth, or if you go to two ultrasounds & at your third you realize your child has gone to heaven. This is called a miscarriage or still birth & one of the worst things that could ever happen to a mother. You are filled with grief, your world crumbles around you, you lose hope, you are depressed, & you question everything. Why? Because you lost your child & you are a mom. A grieving mom who didn’t get the chance to live a long happy life with your child. You had moments stolen from you & replaced with heartache & pain. Your child is in a better place, but you were left here to grieve such a deep loss that no one around you understands because you are a mom who has lost her child. You didn’t get to meet that precious baby outside your womb & see them smile or laugh for the first time, you missed their first cry, you missed out on their whole childhood & adulthood. You had their life planned out on the outside because you are a mom who had high hopes for your child. You thanked God for blessing you with a baby & the love you had for your baby was so deep already that you wanted to protect your child & you were. Just likes it’s unimaginable to lose a child when they are outside our womb, it is unimaginable to lose them when they are inside the womb as well. & that’s because as a mom, losing a child is never easy & one of the hardest things we can bare. & if you have pain over losing a child & joy of finding out you are with child, you are a mom.

You are a mom - Happy Mothers day to all moms in all stages of Motherhood.

I could go on, I could say more, but I’ll stop here for today. I respect everyones opinion on this subject, but I feel for my six babies in heaven & for everyone reading my blog today who has lost a child that I needed to use my blog to state my opinion. I don’t want to start a debate here, but if you have a different opinion & feel compelled to share it I suggest you use your platform to do so like I did today, but please choose to be kind. Conception of a child is a down right miracle. If you have never googled the odds of getting pregnant or researched just how miraculous pregnancy is, I suggest you do it. As a woman & a mom who has carried 6 babies in me, even though I have sadly lost all six before seeing their beautiful faces on the outside, I am thankful for each and every one of them & I am so thankful for the months that I carried them & was their mom here on earth. & I’m thankful for the gift of being a mom to them while they are now with God. I want to wish a very happy Mother’s Day to all moms out there with babies here on earth from your womb or another womb, babies in heaven, & babies in your womb who you are excited to meet, & to those of you with all the above! I hope you feel honored & special to be a mom ever single day of the year no matter what phase of being a mom you are in. You are awesome. You are a Mom. xx Liz Marie

 

Mother’s Day cards: [here] 
Mother’s Day mug: [here]

Start with reading about our fertility & loss story below…

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Our 6th miscarriage [here]

Psalm 139:13-16

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.”

Fertility Journey Update – February 2016

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Oh man. I’m about to get super personal with ya’ll so if you don’t liker personal then today’s blog post is not for you, but I have plenty more not so personal posts for you to see [here] if you would like. Ok, for those of you who stayed I wanted to update you on our fertility journey. You see, I usually come on here and talk about our fertility only when we miscarry or on special occasions. But ever since we opened the store up about 6 weeks ago I have met SO MANY blog readers from out of state & locally & I realized the one thing they want to talk about is our miscarriages & our fertility. Yes, we talk about home decor & all things DIY, but it’s mainly our fertility. That got me thinking. I realized I keep a lot of things private & it’s not for any particular reason other than I don’t want to bore you with the details of that part of my life. But our fertility journey isn’t just our miscarriages. It’s the feelings, the doctor visits, the tests, & right now it’s the “break”. That’s what we are on right now & have been since last August. After losing our 6th baby God put a lot in front of us. He does every time we lose a child. After every miscarriage God puts amazing things in our path & awesome opportunities. Every time I feel like it proves that God has us where He wants us & He is showing us that it’s His plan, not ours.

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That is one reason for this 7 month break we have been on. Another reason is we realized we just wanted a break. We wanted time together. I know, I know we have been married 8 years going on 9, but we can’t get enough of it. We love our time together & sometimes it’s scary that someday it will no longer be us two. We decided to really enjoy this time with a purpose & not focus on anything to do with our fertility or getting pregnant during this time. It honestly has been so care-free. After losing 6 babies in 4 years, it has felt so good to not have that pressure or anxiety. That is another thing I need to talk about on here that I don’t see anyone sharing much about. The anxiety after loss, the anxiety when you get pregnant again. To me, it’s crippling & something that I want to share at a later date. For those with anxiety during pregnancy, you are not alone. But really these 7 months since saying goodbye to our 6th little angel have been a breath of air that we needed. & now with the new store it’s been kind of a newborn for us for a lack of better words. It takes up all our time, we have to watch it closely, & we don’t sleep. But we are happy & so excited for this new adventure we are on.

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Reason 3? This is the main one. The one that gets kind of tricky. You see we have got EVERY test under the sun done for our fertility & why we have had 6 miscarriages. We have tried baby aspirin, progesterone, folic acid, & on & on & on. Technically we are both “text book” perfect & should be able to carry a child besides my PCOS which you can read about [here]. But of course 6 miscarriages with no successful pregnancy is alarming. So after trying everything with no success we have reached a weird pivotal point where the only thing left to try are some pretty rare & controversial things. One theory for all our losses is that my immune system is attacking our babies & my body is viewing them as a foreign object. That is a really sad thought to me, my body rejecting our children makes me feel like I have let down our 6 babies & that I’m not a good mother. Why would my body do that? BUT there is a way to help this. I don’t know all the technical terms, & I am planning to do a whole separate blog post on all the tests & things we have had done so maybe that will help others [stay tuned for that coming soon]. Anyways, basically in very dumbed down terms from what I understand is there is a treatment that they can give me that will shut my immune system off & tell my body to not attack our pregnancy. This is complete with transfusions throughout the pregnancy & very timed things while being closely monitored. Sounds scary. The weird part is that I will not actually be tested for this condition before getting the treatment which is something that is normal for this actually. There are only two places in the US that do this testing I believe & both of those places are a plane ride away. So, this will be a trial thing to see if it works for us. But, we are reaching the end of the line as far as testing & methods to carry a baby. But are we? Medically the doctors say that, but ultimately I know it’s up to Him, my Father, when we carry a baby to term & have our little miracle here on earth. Not my will, not the doctors will, but His.

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So that is where are at right now. On a break. We get so many comments, messages, emails, & people in person who say they are praying & I cry every time. They are all happy tears because I want you to know that I am not sad that we are on this journey. This is something handed to us by God & it has made me stronger, our marriage stronger, & presented so many amazing life changes that would not have happened without this journey. I am thankful for it all. They are happy tears because to know that someone cares & empathizes with our struggles & is something that I can never say thank-you enough for. This month of opening the shop I have had blog readers from Ohio, Chicago, Tennessee, North Carolina, Wisconsin, Missouri, Texas & beyond come to the shop & tell me there loss stories, tell me that they are praying for us, & each time it shocks me how people love us & our babies enough to fit us in their prayers. Of course seeing the daily emails & messages is already amazing, but to meet people in person who have followed our journey has been eye opening & has really inspired me to be more open than we already have been about this fertility journey we are on. We are so grateful & it truly makes me thankful that I started sharing this journey here on the blog after our first miscarriage 4 years ago because it has brought some amazing people into our lives, made me realize we are not alone, & it has been a form of therapy sharing our journey. Thank you guys for being so supportive of us. We love you! I will be back with many more updates on this journey & not just our losses. Thank you to for stopping by the blog today & for sharing it with your friends & family, it means a lot! xx

 

Read more about our fertility journey:

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Our first baby. [here]

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Our second & third babies.  [here]

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Our fourth baby.  [here]

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Our fifth baby. [here]

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Having PCOS [here]

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our 6th baby. [here]

Christmas After Miscarriage

Surviving Christmas After Miscarriage - A great perspective on the holidays after losing a child.
The holidays are my favorite time of the year & they always have been. The excitement, the build-up to the big day, warm family gatherings, tons of food, presents, holiday movies, giving gifts, seeing relatives you don’t get to see too often, going to church to celebrate Jesus’ birth, & the list goes on. One thing that has changed the holidays for Jose & I? Losing our 6 babies in the past few years. Christmas after miscarriage is hard just like Christmas after any other loss. Christmas & all of it’s glory have a way of bringing up some feelings that we are able to suppress throughout the rest of the year & it makes the holidays a little less magical than they once were. The excitement of everything has a way of revealing the loss we have endured. It has a way of bringing up milestones that we were supposed to have with our babies. This would be our  first babies 3rd Christmas. We would be out buying gifts for a crazy toddler & spoiling him or her like crazy. We would be taking them to see santa & we might even have one of those creepy elf on the shelf guys hanging around. But that’s not our reality right now.

Now, our day to day lives the rest of the year are so busy & God has laid out a new plan for us that we truly see so it’s not that we ever forget about our six children in heaven, but we also do not dwell on the fact that we do not have our Children here on earth. Sure there are moments that we remember our children in heaven & it makes us sad, but I am so thankful that we have been given the gift of peace that we do not dwell in sadness. God seems to reveal big plans for us after each one of our losses & for that I am thankful.  We know that life is all in His timing & we have learned early on that we can’t sit around and be sad about that. So, while the rest of the year we are busy living our dreams & enjoying married life just us two while we wait for that beautiful bundle of joy we know God will let us hold here on earth one day, the holidays are a still a time we want to enjoy while we wait. So here are a few tips that help us love the holidays even after saying goodbye to our babies. If you have miscarried a child or if you are struggling with infertility & you are a little hesitant to go through this Christmas season, I hope these tips help you cope with your loss as you gather with your family & friends…

Surviving Christmas After Miscarriage - A great perspective on the holidays after losing a child.

-Talk about it… or don’t. – The whole process of going through miscarriage & infertility is so different for every single person. No one handles it the exact same way & not everyone feels the same. So when you gather with family and friends remember it’s your right to talk about the loss of your baby as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. If you get asked questions you can politely direct the conversation in a different direction or if you are like me you can be really open about the whole situation. Our babies were on this earth for such a little amount of time & made such an impact on me that I want their legacy to live on & I feel like talk about them makes me feel closer to them. I hope by being open about our babies that it brings awareness to not just my family, but to others that even though they were only on this earth for a few weeks, they still matter & they are still special to us.

– People do not mean most of the things they say. – This one is hard. When you are at Christmas parties things can be said. People will point out that you don’t have kids, they will tell you that “you better get on it”, they will ask you when you will have kids, they will tell you that “life without kids is meaningless” [I’ve heard all of these & more & I’m sure you have too] but what we must remember & what will help you get through the parties where these comments are made is that THEY DO NOT MEAN WHAT THEY ARE SAYING. Their words sting in our gut because we feel the loss that they forget about or that they have not experienced. We remember that our babies are supposed to be here happy & healthy with us so this these words hurt deep.  They don’t understand what it means to lose a child, they do not know how their words cut so deep to your core. They forget to say how good life is before kids too [we must remember this too, this time is precious & we need to enjoy every last second because we will miss it], they forget that sometimes having a baby isn’t the easiest journey, & they do not understand that pointing out the missing baby in an insensitive way can hurt. Just always remember that most of the comments weren’t meant to hurt you, they don’t understand how the comments made you feel, & that they love you. We must forgive in our hearts even if they don’t understand they hurt you.

– You are not alone. – Know that what you are feeling is normal. Whether you are happy despite your loss, depressed because of your loss, or somewhere in between, all of these feelings you have are normal. We all handle miscarriage differently. You are not alone. There are so many of us who are on this journey, but you can feel alone when you are surrounded by babies & pregnant bellies while Christmas shopping & attending all of those parties. A lot of people are not open about miscarriage & infertility so while you are at your holiday parties you may be among someone that is struggling to get pregnant or is experiencing loss in silence. Just know you are not alone, you can reach out to the people you trust, you can be comforted that you are not the odd one out, you can know that where you are at now is a good place & that you are not alone in loving that baby of yours.
– Even if it’s not talked about people care. – While everyone is talking about pregnancies, babies, & things of that nature, know that they may not bring up your pregnancy or your baby that you have lost because they do not know how to, they don’t feel comfortable, or they may not understand the impact of your miscarriage on your life.  Remember they didn’t get to bond with that little sweet baby like you did. They didn’t carry that life inside of them, & they didn’t experience the loss at the magnitude that you did. Even if they do not talk about your miscarriage or that sweet baby at your holiday party, most people are thinking of you, praying for you, and caring for you in silence.

-Try to soak this time in as it is. – I’ve said it before, but seriously try to enjoy this time. I get a lot of questions on how we have handled losing six of our babies, but to me it’s all about trusting God & knowing that He is in control of our journey. I trust His plan for me & I truly enjoy everyday because some day my life will change drastically & it will be welcomed, but it will be hard & filled with new challenges of having a child here on earth so in the mean time I am making the most of this beautiful life we live. I am so thankful for everything God has given us & every blessing of those six babies & every other blessing in our lives. I’m enjoying Christmas time with the love of my life & really soaking in Christmas with him because I don’t want to forget these moments of being a family of two here, these special times that are a gift as a married couple, & why not treasure this time with my best friend while we have this time. I enjoy spoiling each other, having Christmas dates every day just the two of us, having no schedule & no cares, & I know these days are numbered so I am treasuring each and every one. This applies to if you are a family of 2, 3, 4, 5, or 10. This time is precious & while we are mourning the one that we loss it helps to remember that we need to cherish this moment & this holiday season with the family members we have here on earth.

– Be choosy about what events you will go to. – During Christmas surrounding yourself with those that you love & are comfortable with is key. If you know that there is a holiday party that is not going to be good for your emotions going into it, than you are allowed to say no. Of course you will want to go to your close families holiday parties, but if there is a holiday party that makes you feel uncomfortable after your miscarriage you need to take care of yourself & your heart so you can heal from your miscarriage. While it’s possible to be happy through the holidays, we are allowed to protect ourselves from any more pain after our loss.

-Start a new tradition. – You are a family despite your loss. Whether you are a family of 2 like Jose & I or a family of 4 after your loss. It may seem difficult to start family traditions when you just lost a family member that you were carrying in your womb, but this simple new tradition can make your family feel more complete & help you remember that your little baby is in heaven with the greatest protector of all. Start new traditions like christmas morning breakfast, making gingerbread houses, doing a advent calendar, setup a nativity scene, attend Christmas church services, just to name a few. Christmas traditions can bring excitement back to the season, keep our minds occupied, & comfort you in the wake of such a tragic loss.

– Buy your future baby Christmas gifts. – I do this quite often & it’s so special! It helps me feel close to our babies we lost & our future babies. In fact this week while walking through Target I actually bought my first gender specific item of clothing [A knitted pink & white onsie] & it made me so excited to put our little bundle of joy in it. I used to feel shameful walking through the baby section like I wasn’t allowed in there without a secret password, like everyone was staring at me & wondering why I was in there, like they all knew my situation that I was struggling to carry a baby to full term. But now it has been a great healing element for me. It brings me hope & joy to spoil our future children already & we should never have shame for having hope & faith preparing for that baby.

-Memorialize your child.- Sometimes while the world keeps moving & life goes on, we feel like that little life we carried is forgotten. After 6 miscarriages I sometimes feel like the 6 lives that I carried in my womb are forgotten, but having pieces to remember these babies helps me remember those days I carried them safely, the days we had high hopes for them here on earth, & the days where God blessed us with that tiny life. Making or buying ornaments for those babies is a great way to memorialize their short lives & a great way to remember those happy days with them during the holiday season.

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I hope this post helps you in some way & brings you peace during this season of great joy. I know that we are all different even if we are all mommas to babies in heaven, we all deal with our situations differently. Please know that these tips are from my heart & how I know how to deal with our loss. I’m praying for all of you out there this Christmas as we all remember our children we had to say goodbye to so soon. Find me on Facebook & chat with me on Instagram & as always THANK YOU for stopping by my blog & sharing it with your friends, it means so much! Merry Christmas friends! xx

 

Read more about our fertility & miscarriage journey below..

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Our 6th baby [here]. 

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Our second & third babies [here].

Remembrance Quilt

Rememberance Quilt - A gift to those mourning miscarriage, still birth, & child loss. A way to remember those babies & a way to hold them when you are missing them. A great gift for those who are dealing with a loss to show them that you care.
I’m not here today with pretty styled photos or home decor, but I’m here to share with you today a kind gesture & a lovely gift I received from good samaritans in remembrance of our 6 angel babies. If you have read any of our journey you know that I am a mom to 6 precious babies that are in heaven & that I am one of those 1 in 4 women that has PCOS. I am also one of those women who that doesn’t dwell on my miscarriages. Not that it is bad to dwell, but I’m just being honest with you about how I feel because I always want to be honest about our journey. I am so occupied with our life & loving the moment that I do not have days where I sit around the house depressed that our babies are in heaven. I know that this is God’s plan, I know that God has great plans for our life right now & in the future, I know that I have nothing to worry about, & I know that God is in control. I love this season of our lives right now. Just the two of us working on our dreams & really enjoying these days of just us two because we know they are numbered. Sometimes I feel like the minority on this journey a. because of how many losses we have had & b. because of the way I feel about my losses & how I handle them. I get scared to share on here how I feel because I don’t want anyone to mistake my peace & understanding about our losses for not caring about our babies, but I also think it’s nice to see how others deal with similar journeys. I have peace, I have understanding, I have a true love for our life right now, & a deep thankfulness for this journey God has given us, but as a human I have moments where I miss those babies that I held in me for a short time.

Rememberance Quilt - A gift to those mourning miscarriage, still birth, & child loss. A way to remember those babies & a way to hold them when you are missing them. A great gift for those who are dealing with a loss to show them that you care.
When I was at the Farmgirl Flea the other day I was running around like a crazy person the whole day  [I’ll be blogging more about the flea soon] & in the middle of the day a lovely friend who I went to school [she has a shop (here)] with came up to me with a gift bag. I had no idea what was inside, but was surprised & she told me to open it when I got home. When I finally got to open the gift I saw a lovely quilt & was thinking that was what it was.. but it was so much more.

Rememberance Quilt - A gift to those mourning miscarriage, still birth, & child loss. A way to remember those babies & a way to hold them when you are missing them. A great gift for those who are dealing with a loss to show them that you care.

The quilt inside the gift bag was made by her & another friend. & it wasn’t just any quilt, it was a remembrance quilt to remember our angel babies with. The quilt is to keep in any spot that I wish & to pull out whenever I have a moment that I want to hold our babies I can hold the quilt & remember them. I can hold the quilt & remember that God is holding our babies, remember that they are happy, I can remember that I am a mom to 6 beautiful children, I can remember the happy moments I had while they were here on earth, I can remember the strength I have gained from loss, I can remember that God is in control, I can remember that there are amazing people with us on this journey, I can remember that one day I will be able to hold those babies of mine that we loss too soon.

Rememberance Quilt - A gift to those mourning miscarriage, still birth, & child loss. A way to remember those babies & a way to hold them when you are missing them. A great gift for those who are dealing with a loss to show them that you care.

This was such a thoughtful gift. It told me that people are thinking of us on our journey. People care. Not everyone knows what to say. I have had 6 losses & I still do not know what to say to people who experience any kind of loss, but this gesture needed no words. This gift said it all. The quilt told me that people cared about our journey, they cared about my healing, they cared about our loss, & most of all they cared about my hurting momma heart that longed to hold those babies of mine.

Rememberance Quilt - A gift to those mourning miscarriage, still birth, & child loss. A way to remember those babies & a way to hold them when you are missing them. A great gift for those who are dealing with a loss to show them that you care.

This is such a kind gesture & I will never forget it. This quilt will be with me on my entire journey through loss, motherhood, & beyond. I wanted to share this because it was so kind & also as an idea for those of you who do not know what to get those in your life who are dealing with miscarriage, still birth, or infant loss. I know it’s so hard to know what to do in these situations, but this beautiful quilt really just showed so much more than words could ever say & I’m forever grateful for kind souls. Thank you guys for stopping by my blog today, it means so much to me. & thank you for those who are on this journey with us we are so grateful for the kind words, prayers, & just the thoughts. You are all amazing. xx

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Read more about our miscarriage & fertility journey [here].

Our 6th Baby

I honestly can’t believe I’m writing this post. It doesn’t seem real. & never in my life would I have thought that I would have 6 beautiful babies in heaven…

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A week ago today I went to the doctors to hear my beautiful babies heartbeat for the third time after hearing it twice & when the doctor turned on the ultrasound we didn’t hear the beautiful noise that we had heard in the weeks past. It’s little heart had stopped beating & we saw our babies tiny body on the ultrasound screen, but knew the Lord had called our tiny babies soul to heaven.

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We had gone through a lot for our 6th baby. We were at the fertility doctor two times a week for 10 weeks, Jose had to give me shots nightly which killed him to do because he couldn’t stand to see me in pain, I took countless pills a day, I was hormonal, I was tired, I was sick, I was scatterbrained, I was exhausted. Fertility treatments are no joke, honestly I felt worse doing them then I actually did when I got pregnant. I felt like no one around us understood or knew what I was going through, but looking back I would do it all over again because even these shorts days with my babies are worth it. And every child God has given me is a gift. Even though they have all been taken away from us so soon. They are a gift from God. I loved our babies for every second of their life, and I will love them for every second of my life. The day we found our we were pregnant we were excited, scared, nervous, & just knew that it was all in God’s hands. Our first ultrasound was amazing & we saw a tiny baby, a tiny heartbeat, & were even told it could be twins. We were just thankful in the moment for this beautiful gift of life.

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At 8 weeks pregnant I had a tiny little bump that showed me my body was already changing & carrying our precious 6th baby. That baby was totally worth the tears during the shots, the upset stomach, the anxiety, the exhaustion, the doctor appointments, the pills, & all of the emotions of being pregnant for the 6th time after 5 losses. That little life was worth all that and more. Our baby was the size of a raspberry & was just a precious brief moment in our lives that I will cherish along with those brief moments of our 5 others babies. We are thankful that our babies are with the Lord, their father in heaven.

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Those 8 weeks of knowing I had a child of God inside of me were scary to be honest. I will not pretend that I am a perfect person and didn’t have crippling fear that made me want to lie in bed all day or that I didn’t have thoughts of losing another baby. I think so many try to hide that because they feel terrible for feeling like that, but I think it’s normal. After 5 losses I think it’s natural to have fear, but prayer got me through it. I prayed God would forgive me for my fear & that he would take it away from me & I prayed until it was gone. When it returned I started all over again. Fear is the lack of faith that God is in control. No, my pregnancy did not go how I would have planned. But my Father in heaven was in control & His plan is much greater than mine & for that I am thankful. He is in control. I repeat that when anxiety strikes until my faith returns. And to be honest during our miscarriages I struggle with staying on top of things, being myself, and frankly being social in general. It’s not because I am depressed, but more because my focus shifts on healing emotionally and physically & everything else takes a backseat. I am not perfect, and I hope that you never think that. I am not ashamed that I don’t stay on top of everything during loss, because I am human. Loss is hard no matter what it is & we all deal with it differently & in our own way. There is no perfect way to handle miscarriage, but calling on the Lord through those times of doubt is the perfect answer to the imperfect situation.

So What now? This may be too much information for some, but in my heart I feel like I need to share because someone out there is struggling and if this helps just one person then my baby went to heaven to help someone. Maybe to change someone else’s life besides mine. I am technically still pregnant with our 6th baby & that just makes me feel like I still haven’t said goodbye or fully mourned the loss of our child. We have had all 5 of our other babies naturally at home and without surgery. We feel like that is what’s best for me & so do our doctors. Our current doctor has not wanted to induce me quite yet like all the other times because he feels it’s the best route, and God has not allowed me to have the baby yet. This has never happened. I’ve never been forced to carry our child after we found out it had gone to be with the Lord. It’s a whole new level of healing and just not knowing what’s next. I’m sitting here typing this knowing that our child is lifeless inside of me & it’s a reminder of the short life of our baby. I’m From here on out we were referred to a high risk pregnancy specialist in the area that will hopefully be able to help us more. Over the past 3 years we have taken countless tests including getting our chromosomes tested & everything has come back normal. The only thing that has been determined is that I have PCOS [read more about my journey with that here] So from here on out we continue our fertility and miscarriage journey with our heads high, our hearts full of love, and our mind and bodies filled with faith & hope. We pray that we may get answers as to why we keep miscarrying, we pray that the Lord leads us to do His will here on earth, we pray that we stay positive like we are, & we pray that we can grow our little family when the timing is right.

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We live such a beautiful life & I don’t want to take any of it for granted. We truly have more than we could have ever asked for & God has truly given us more than we ever deserve & we are fully aware of that. I hope this post doesn’t upset you or make you feel like we are not happy with our lives, grateful for our daily gifts and our abundant blessings, or depressed that we do not have a child here on earth. I feel like when I tell people we miscarried they feel worse than we do, and it makes me not want to share because I don’t want anyone to feel bad for us or to feel like we are broken. Through all of our losses we grow closer to God, closer together, and gain more perspective and joy for life. I feel like if I had never gone through this journey I would be blind to true joy, true happiness, & the deep love for life because I know how fragile it really is. We pray someday God gives us a child here on earth, but until then we are content & live each day to the fullest. We know that a child will change our lives dramatically so until then we enjoy each other fully each day, enjoy our happy busy life, & take full advantage of our time together because we don’t want to ever regret waisting these years being sad or only thinking about having children because we know that isn’t a quality way to live. Know we are sad about our loss & wish that we could have held our baby, but have peace in our hearts that our babies are in a place far greater than this earth & that we will see them someday and they will all come running in my arms. I will have one full lap of children one day & that makes my heart smile. I can’t make this stuff up, I didn’t tell Jose what I was writing about tonight because I just started typing my heart out and didn’t really think much of it. He just leaned over, kissed me, & said “we have the greatest life ever.” How can I be sad or not look at all my blessings? How can I not trust that God is in control? It’s not my will, but His. My joy comes from the Lord, my heart is full, and I am fully aware of Gods presence in our lives & that He is blessing us beyond belief daily. Daily beautiful reminders like that are just one of the simple gifts from God I am thankful for. I don’t doubt that for a second. I am thankful for God’s gifts, God’s plans, & God’s promises because they are far better than I could ever imagine. I could go on.. But my point is this.. If you are experiencing loss of any kind not just miscarriage or going through something hard because we all do,  focus on God’s rich blessings in your life, ask him for peace, pray for him to take away your anxiety, & lastly thank Him for every moment, even the struggles because those struggles are part of this beautiful journey here on earth.

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Funny little God moment: The day we left the doctor after we found out our 6th baby had gone to Heaven, Mr. LMB wanted to make our day awesome so he took me to all my favorite places, we shopped until we dropped, got massages, ate our favorite food, & just laughed and forgot about the loss for a day. Well, when we left the doctors we found this wall & were just struck with how God speaks to us in mysterious ways. We both just smiled & agreed. There are always setbacks, but God always provides. I stood in front of the wall 8 weeks pregnant & strong because I knew in my heart that God was by my side & so was my amazing husband. I will be back later when I have all my thoughts together & I’m not just typing everything on my mind. I will share more of our journey, more about what we have been through, more about our doctors, and if you have any questions or any posts you want me to do ask your questions below. We will be glad to answer any of them. It’s a hard thing to talk about, but if our babies can help people, we feel like their purpose here on earth was far greater than we could have imagined. Thank you for all of your love and support on our journey.. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts & your prayers mean so much to us. & remember to be kind to everyone because you do not know what kind of battles they are fighting. xx

Read more about our journey below:

DSC_59402Our first baby.

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Our second & third babies. 

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Our fourth baby. 

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Our fifth baby.

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Having PCOS

Our Fifth Baby

Our 5th Miscarriage
I’ve been meaning to share this with you guys for a few weeks now, but to be super honest with you I kept forgetting. When you hear what I have to tell you that might seem terrible,but hear me out. The month of May was so insane. We had more than one big thing everyday along with work, school, booth, blog, friends, family, parties, celebrations, conferences, travel, I mean I could keep going. I feel like I am in the season of my life where I am just constantly on the go & never have a moment to breathe & I’m ok with that. A lot of amazing things have been happening to me & I’m so thankful. I will embrace the busy for now. On top of all that I lost one of the most special men in my life in the beginning of the month, my grandpa. I’m crying as I write this because whenever I think of him my heart just hurts, I miss him so much & would give anything to see him again. It’s made what I’m about to tell you harder, but easier at the same time. & there is always the part where I want to share the happy things here. The DIY projects, the home decor, and all the lovely things, but this is also part of our lives & you guys have been on this journey with us so I wanted to share as soon as I had the words.
Right before my birthday at the end of March, Jose & lost our 5th baby. That’s kind of hard to type because it feels like such a huge loss. 5 of our babies are now in heaven with our Lord & Savior. We found out we were pregnant with this precious bundle of joy on Valentine’s Day this year 3 months after we lost our 4th baby when we were living in North Carolina. We were not trying to get pregnant at this time, but you know things happen & of course we were overjoyed that God wanted us to be pregnant with our 5th baby. & of course we were scared because we had lost our first 4 babies before this one. We were also nervous because we didn’t really have a doctor yet in Michigan & we knew things would be way different now that we were out of the military. Everything was going smoothly & I felt tired, bloated, and sick which is great when you are preggo right? Well, I was in LA for a week I was feeling super pregnant which at 8 weeks is just a lot of bloating, extreme exhaustion, & for me.. Just not feeling or looking to hot. I was kind of happy I was feeling like that because it kept reminding me that this might just be a healthy pregnancy. Well, ok the last day in LA I woke up to get ready to shoot the commercial & while in the bathroom I started spotting. Terror ran through me. My stomach dropped & my heart fell out of my chest. Not again. After a quick call to the hubby who was back in Michigan he assured me that it would be ok & that I shouldn’t worry about it. I went on with my day with that of course in my head & a day later I was back in Michigan in the comfort of my home & waiting for blood results to see how our baby was doing. I was still spotting, but I knew that it’s sometimes normal to do that when you were pregnant & I also know that with the Lord all things are possible so I knew things weren’t officially over. The next morning I got the call from my doctor. At this point I just had a feeling  already before he said anything. He then told us we had lost our 5th baby. I wasn’t shocked & I knew in my heart that something was wrong. I was sad that I never got to meet that baby of ours, & my heart hurt that we had to go through the process of losing another child. Mentally & physically it’s so painful & exhausting losing a baby. You see, not to be graphic, & of course it’s different for everyone, but when you miscarry if you choose to do so naturally. Your body goes into labor. You have labor like pains, contractions, & the whole birth process without being able to hold your baby when it’s over. We have always chosen to have the baby naturally and each time Mr. LMB is right by my side which I am forever grateful for his strength, nurturing spirit, & gift of knowledge in these medical situations, but oh how I wish we didn’t have to feel the hurt that is that of losing a child.
    Losing 5 babies is hard. Losing 5 babies hurts. Losing 5 babies is scary. I will do a separate post on the testing and everything we have gone through with our fertility journey if you guys would like, but it’s scary to lose 5 babies & not know what is wrong with you. There is a lot of questions that we can not answer, but I know who has the answer. It’s my father in heaven. He knows why these babies left the earth so soon, He knows how He will add children to our lives, He knows the plans He has for us. & I trust that with my whole heart. I can see our babies purpose in many ways, but lately in a huge way. I love meeting readers of my lovely little blog in person & since moving to Michigan there isn’t a week where I don’t meet s reader & almost 99% of the time they bring up our sweet angels. Most of them have also gone through loss themselves & tell me that by sharing our story it has helped them. & I hope you all know that by chatting with me on here about our babies, coming up to us in public & talking about our children, & all of the comments on social media about our journey helps us. & I’m so so so thankful for you guys. What an amazing feeling that no matter how many DIY projects or pretty home photos I share, you all talk about our babies the most. Sharing our journey with our first loss was so scary, but now with the loss of baby 5 I just can’t imagine not sharing our journey with you guys. Thank you! I know our babies have a purpose here on earth & seeing why their short lives ended so soon has blessed me so much & I’m so proud to be their mom.
Please know that we are ok, and that our precious 5th child is in a better place. Please know that we are happy & live a life we love. Please know that I pray for all of you who have lost a child. It’s never easy, but I hope you know you are not alone in your journey & neither are those loved babies of yours. One more thing I wanted to share with you. The week before my grandpa passed away, we were sitting in the den together & having a conversation that had sad moments because we knew his time here on earth was coming to an end. In the middle of our convo all of the sudden his face lit up when we started talking about our babies in heaven & he said, “that’s right! I get to meet them very soon!” Oh my. Waterworks. My grandpa got to go to heaven & hold all of those babies he never got to meet here on earth. If it was even possible to love my grandpa even more, in that moment my love grew a million times more. Know those heavenly babies are being held and played with by so many loving people up there. RIP to my amazing grandpa & RIP to our sweet 5th angel. Love you all. Xx

Do you have any specific questions for me? Anything about our journey you want to know about? Anything you would like me to include in a blog post about our fertility journey? Leave the questions below & I will try to answer them & blog them soon. Hugs!! xx

Read more of our journey:

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Our first baby.

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Our second & third babies. 

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Our fourth baby.

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Having PCOS.

Our 4th Baby

As I sit here writing this it honestly doesn’t feel real. It all happened so fast that I forget in this busy season of life that we just suffered this tragic loss recently. Let me take you back to two months ago right before Thanksgiving & to a few weeks before we moved to Michigan. I was shopping in TJ Maxx & I got a huge dizzy spell. Odd. Well, not so odd when you are pregnant, but I couldn’t possibly be pregnant. Mr. LMB was with me, but I didn’t say anything because I thought maybe it could be due to too much coffee or that I just needed a snack. I couldn’t be pregnant right, I mean it was nearly impossible right? When we got home from shopping that night I decided to just take a pregnancy test to make sure that I wasn’t with child. I mean we were moving in two weeks, & Mr. LMB was about to get out of the military, surely I couldn’t be pregnant. Well, within seconds of taking the test I got a big fat positive. With the other three babies I jumped up and down when I got that positive, but this time it was different. Was it the fact that I was scared to death because of all the big changes coming & then this was added on top of that? Or was it the fact that our last three babies had gone to heaven so soon & I wondered if our fourth beautiful baby would be here on earth longer with us. It’s hard to tell, but one thing I do know is when I told Mr. LMB that night we were both silent, we were both scared, & we were both on our knees praying that God would work his will in our lives whatever that may be. But overall as always we were thankful & we were happy that God had blessed us with our 4th baby. 

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Fast forward a week to our first appointment. Our little baby was 5 weeks & some odd days in my belly & strangely I wasn’t nervous for our first ultrasound. I knew in advance we wouldn’t see much & that this day wasn’t going to define our 4th babies future. As I lay on the bed as the doctor performed my ultrasound we saw a tiny little bean inside me. It wasn’t much of anything, but it was right on track for what a 5 week ultrasound should look like. We left the office with some ultrasound photos & I stared at them the whole way home. Was this baby going to grace our presence in July of 2015? Was this going to be our miracle baby? I was still so nervous about how much our lives were going to change, but staring at that tiny blob somehow made it all worth it. Like the changes were nothing compared to that beautiful little blob. I was thankful for that little blob.

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Two weeks later I was nervous. I was so so nervous. It was time for our second ultrasound & I knew this one would tell us more. This one would let us know if the pregnancy was a healthy one & if this baby was growing as it should be. I lay on the table almost shaking when the doctor finally came in. I prayed for our sweet baby & I prayed that I would be able to carry this little nugget for 9 months. I prayed we would see a heartbeat. As soon as the ultrasound was on the screen, I knew it didn’t look good. Well, I lied, at first it looked like we were having twins, but after few seconds I saw that the once perfectly round blob now looked deflated & we later learned the blob next to our baby was not a good sign. Tears. Instant tears. Jose, the doctor, & the nurse immediately embraced me. The stares from the doctor and the nurse instantly told me that they wanted to say something, but they couldn’t find the words. There are no words. We lost our 4th baby.

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The days after the loss of our 4th child are a blur. It was the week before our big move from North Carolina to Michigan & I thank God everyday of the timing of that miscarriage. That might seem like a crazy statement, but keep reading. If you followed me at that time I hinted at something happening, I hinted life was crazy, but I couldn’t begin to tell you how crazy it really was. I chose, as I did the other three times, to have the baby naturally & not have any surgery performed. God gave me the gift of having no pain while passing the baby & he blessed me with amazing friends & family during this time who brought us food, came over to keep me company, & who genuinely cared from near & far. The day after we found out that our little baby had stopped developing I got thrown into real life again. There was no break & time to lay in bed this time. I was decorating our historic rental for Christmas & photographing it for some jobs, I had lots of blog posts due, emails to return, I had to prepare the whole house to get packed up, get ready to move, endless errands & projects, say goodbye to our little city, say goodbye to our military family, say farewell to friends, & all while enjoying in & taking in every last minute of our time there. Looking back now I can’t believe we did all of that while dealing with such a great loss, but like I said I’m thankful for that busy time because I had no time to be sad or wonder why this happened again. No time to dwell, but only time to pray & pick myself up off the ground & keep going.

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I’m not sure if it’s because I have gone through losing a child 4 times now, or if it’s because I’m becoming stronger, but healing from this loss has been well, easy. Please don’t think that means I didn’t love that baby. I loved that baby more than this world & would have given anything to have that sweet child here with us now snuggling in bed with us, but I am at peace. I am at peace knowing this whole journey of ours including our 4 babies is in God’s hands. He is in control & as soon as I learned that there was no depression over losing our children too soon, but there was plenty of peace & hope. It gets easier because I know I’m not alone & it get’s easier because I have learned that life is beautiful no matter what season you are in, no matter what you are going through, & I’ve learned we need to not wish these days away because we will wish we had enjoyed these days more. I’m not wishing these quiet, long, thrilling days away with my love because I know I will long for these honeymoon days back later in life. I’m thankful for this lesson from God to be content & in the moment. I’m thankful that because of our loss the good days feel so much sweeter.

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So, how are we doing now 2 months after losing our 4th baby? If I would have to explain it in one word I would say, content. Some might not understand this, but I have never laughed as much or been so content & happy than these past two months with Mr. LMB here in Michigan during our time off. The move to Michigan has been a wonderful thing. I thought when we moved from North Carolina to Michigan I was going to lose myself. I thought it would be hard on Jose & I. I was scared of the changes & couldn’t imagine that we would love living in Grand Rapids as much as we did in NewBern. I was scared that we would be moving on a bad note with the big loss we had just endured, but in the end I was so wrong about it all. The move to Michigan was the best thing that could have happened to us. Being around family & friends has been a gift from God, we have both expanded our jobs & are building on our dreams together, our new home is cozy & is slowly becoming a dream house for us. Life is happy here. God has unfolded so many things for us here that it’s honestly heart wrenching at times to see Him working in our lives & to know how much He loves & cares for us through all of these blessings he keeps handing us. I have cried happy tears more than once while sitting in our house just overwhelmed with thankfulness for this season in our lives. We do miss that wonderful storybook town that we left, & a piece of our hearts will always be there, but the fresh start here has been a huge blessing. & I do miss that little city where we got to spend very little time with our 4 babies in & I know I will never forget those short beautiful weeks of carrying them inside me. Every day gets better here & I’m thankful for the peace God has blessed us with. I know God’s timing is perfect & looking back at the past two months I see His timing is perfect & it has made me [us] content.

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I’m sorry if this was a jumbled post. I maybe should have shared our loss sooner so my thoughts might have been more organized, but I didn’t want to share such a sad thing around the holidays because we were truly happy even though we had just gone through that & I didn’t want to spread sadness when it wasn’t needed. I know I talked a lot about how I feel today & not about Mr. LMB, but it’s such a personal thing that I can’t always share how he feels. I will be doing a post soon on how we help each other through miscarriages in hopes that it helps other couples as well, but for now, here are my random thoughts after losing our 4th beautiful baby & I pray that if you are going through miscarriage that you know you are not alone. You are not broken. You are beautiful. It will get better. Your baby is in a beautiful safe place. God is watching over you. You will get better & you will get stronger! I pray that you have peace & understanding & that you truly know how blessed you are. I wish I could hug you all. You can read about our 1st baby [here], & our second & third babies [here]. Thank you for reading this & for always being so supportive of us on our journey! If you have any questions, leave them below & I will try my best to answer them all in a blog post soon. & as always feel free to follow me on Instagram & Facebook for more daily updates on my life. Also, feel free to share this with someone going through something whether it’s a miscarriage or just a hard time if you feel like it can help in some way. xx

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A special thank you to Rach Lea Photography, my bestie, for these photos of Mr. LMB & I. I was pregnant with baby #4 here & I’m thankful for this frozen moment in time where we were enjoying that child of God who was making me oh so tired & oh so sick at the time. It was such a blessing that she visited us in NewBern right before we moved & that she snapped these quick photos for us to remember this moment by. & I wouldn’t be mad if my Michigan friends would book her soon so she can have an excuse to come visit me. Hint hint.

The sweater & jacket that I’m wearing are both from She Inside one of my favorite places to order clothes from. I have been ordering clothes fro a while from them, but they were so kind to send me these as a gift. I wear them almost daily & they have made my heart happy & have kept me warm in this Michigan weather of course.

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Read more about our fertility issues {here}. 

Life after miscarriage - Inspiration that you are not alone in your miscarriage.

Happy Mother’s Day Angel Baby Mommies!

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To all the moms with babies in heaven,

 Today on Mother’s Day you might feel a little sting in your heart. You may long for those sweet babies that were taken away so soon. You may feel a little empty even as you hold your children that are here on earth. I wanted to wish you a happy Mother’s day from your sweet babies in heaven today. You are their momma & they love you so. They are now in a better place perfect, happy, healthy, & celebrating you, their mommy, with our heavenly father. I know sometimes we don’t think about our little angel babies that often here on earth, & I know I feel guilty sometimes for getting caught up in my beautiful life that I forget to think about those three gorgeous babies of mine up there on a daily basis, but they are my children & I will always love them from the depths of my heart. & to all of the moms with all of your babies in heaven, this day may be hard because you don’t hear the happy mothers day wishes as often as moms with babies here on earth, but remember that beautiful short time you had with their hearts beating inside of you & know that God is holding those babies for you tightly today in heaven. Yes, you are a mother. You carried them in your womb, you anticipated their arrival, & you mourned their loss. Today on Mother’s day I hope you feel peace in your heart & God’s hands wrapped around you. On this Mothers day have a joyful heart when you think of those babies in heaven, & lets rejoice in knowing one day we will hold them in our arms. You are amazing, you are strong, & you are beautiful. Happy Mother’s day from me &  your angel babies!! xx 

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I sincerely hope that you all have a lovely Mother’s Day. Today my amazing husband is taking me out for a surprise after church & I can’t say thank you enough to God for blessing me with a husband who tells me what an amazing mother I am to our angel babies & what an awesome mother I will be to our future children here on earth. It all means so much to me that he makes this day special for us so that we can celebrate our angel babies & how much they changed us during their short time here. I love you all & I hope this day is special for you & your family. Again, Happy Mother’s Day to all of the mommies out there, you rock!

Ps. You can read about our first child {here} & our second & third babies {here}.

Thankful For Loss – Our Second & Third Babies

Thankful for loss - my miscarriage story
I shared the loss of our first child last mothers day here on the blog. Since then we have had to say goodbye to two more little babies. I wanted to share this here on the blog today not for sympathy because we are so happily at peace about the loss & we know that God wanted those babies with Him & not here on earth, but I wanted to share for those out there that feel like they are alone in their loss. You are not alone. I want you to know that it’s going to be ok. You will be ok.

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Last August I had a slight feeling that I was pregnant, which was strange & random because we had been trying for a year since our last loss the August before, so on a whim I took a pregnancy test & to my shock I got a big fat positive. I was a little nervous for the simple fact that at the same time the year before I lost our first child, but I went to the doctors and things seemed to be going great. A few weeks later right before our 6th wedding anniversary I had signs that I was loosing the beautiful life that was growing within me. I was devastated that another one of our children was being taken away from us so early. No answers as to why, except for the simple fact that the baby was not healthy. For that reason I am thankful. I’m thankful that the precious baby that was with us for 9 short weeks is now perfectly healthy in heaven, I’m thankful that I will meet that sweet child one day, & I’m thankful that God allowed me to get pregnant for the second time.

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Fast forward to last October, I was taking a bath one night & I felt a sensation in my lower belly that was so sudden and sharp that I knew something was going on. I hopped out of the tub & took an ovulation test trying to figure out what that feeling was & a big fat smiley face showed up right away. To prove it was ovulation & that I wasn’t pregnant I also took a pregnancy test right after & sure enough it said “pregnant” within seconds. This couldn’t be, we were not even trying. In fact we were about to start with a new fertility doctor the next day. Excitement, fear, & more emotions were looming over me. Were we ready for this? It’s really strange and maybe I shouldn’t admit this here on the blog, but every time we get pregnant I’m scared that we are not ready for kids & maybe not ready to say goodbye to this life we have known for so long with just us two that we love so much, but again we know God will make it perfect, like he has made it now & we trust He knows best. And who is really ever completely ready for that big change right? Along we went with our new doctor & things were going great this time. Over Thanksgiving we went to visit my friend Rach in Savannah & on that trip I was 8 weeks pregnant feeling tired & nauseous, but excited for this third baby & that is also when she took these photos of Jose & I that are in this blog post. These photos are special because I feel like it’s a way we can remember that third baby of ours & celebrate the short life & happiness that the baby brought to us. Thanksgiving in Savannah was amazing & the little life in me was still growing strong. When we got back to North Carolina a few days after thanksgiving we had a baby appointment that would change me forever. We went in not expecting much, but to our surprise right there on the Ultra Sound screen we saw a tiny baby heartbeat flickering away & a few seconds later we heard the beautiful sound of the babies heart filling the room. Tears. It’s the first time we had heard any of our babies heartbeats. What a beautiful sound it was. We left that appointment with photos of our precious baby & walked in silence because we were still in shock of how amazing the appointment had been & the fact that we had a tiny healthy little heartbeat flickering inside me. A week later our hopes and dreams for that little baby here on earth were brought to an abrupt halt. A few weeks before Christmas we lost our third baby. That little heartbeat just stopped beating. Again, no answers & no explanation other than this baby was unhealthy & is in a better place. Again I’m so thankful for that tiny baby & that God knows what’s best. I’m also thankful that I was able to get pregnant a third time. Such a blessing to have been able to carry one of God’s children even though it wasn’t for very long.

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No matter how thankful we are for God intervening in our life their are still moments where the losses are hard & some days are more difficult than others, but when I learned to say thank you for everything in my life, not only the easy things, my life became so much better & more full. Accepting that it’s all part of God’s perfect plan for us changes the way we view the losses of our beautiful children. Our life is amazing because He is in control.

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I want to end this post out by saying that I am thankful for my losses. You read that right. I am so thankful for every move God makes in my life. I am thankful for the lesson he has taught us about how fragile life is. I am now so aware of life & how precious each moment it is. I see miracles when I look at healthy babies & I no longer take for granted the things I used to. For that I am thankful. I am so thankful that God showed me just how amazing this husband He gave me is & just how amazing & strong the Marriage he blessed us with really is. I love this life of ours & I’m not going to say that it’s perfect, but for the lack of a better words it’s perfectly ours & I know if I planned my life it probably wouldn’t have been this good. I have this ability to wake up with a smile on my face everyday & be so excited about life because I have this faith in God that can’t be broken. I am thankful that through hardships he has made my faith in Him grow to limits I never knew were possible. I know He has amazing plans for us & I see them unfolding daily. Jose & I are so blessed beyond measure & I know some people may think we should not be this happy with 3 losses in the past two years, but everyone suffers from something in their lives & it’s how you choose to live your life that can make or break you. God didn’t choose for us to have those three babies here on earth, & we are so excited to meet them someday in their perfect form that they will be in. In a dream the other day I dreamed that Jose & I were on a honeymoon that lasted for years just us two & laughing & being free. After waking up I realized that’s exactly how our life is now. We moved away from home right when we got married seven years ago & have lived just him & I on this honeymoon by ourselves loving life & being able to just enjoy each other as best friends & soak every second in together. After that dream I regretted ever trying so hard to change God’s plan that I had lost track of being happy in the moment. ENJOY THE NOW! Enjoy the beautiful moment you are in whatever it is. Don’t focus on the loss, the heartache, marriage problems, money issues, job difficulties, or whatever you are going through because all these things will pass & you will be so much happier looking back realizing you chose to be happy through those times while trusting that God’s plan is better than anything you could imagine. Happiness is a choice. Be thankful for every moment in your life because God is shaping you for something great & those things are making you a better person. Choose to let those situations make you a better person. Let it make you softer, kinder, & love more deeply. Smile today & know that you are going to be ok. It will all be ok. 

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Dear sweet babies, I’m so thankful I was your mom for your short lives here on earth & I’m so thankful you have each other up in Heaven. Your dad & I will think of you everyday & we can’t wait to see your beautiful faces someday. I’m so thankful you are healthy & happy now. We love you so much. Love your mommy & daddy. 

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Photos by Rach Lea Photography/Facebook/Blog
Styled By Ivory & Beau