The holidays are my favorite time of the year & they always have been. The excitement, the build-up to the big day, warm family gatherings, tons of food, presents, holiday movies, giving gifts, seeing relatives you don’t get to see too often, going to church to celebrate Jesus’ birth, & the list goes on. One thing that has changed the holidays for Jose & I? Losing our 6 babies in the past few years. Christmas after miscarriage is hard just like Christmas after any other loss. Christmas & all of it’s glory have a way of bringing up some feelings that we are able to suppress throughout the rest of the year & it makes the holidays a little less magical than they once were. The excitement of everything has a way of revealing the loss we have endured. It has a way of bringing up milestones that we were supposed to have with our babies. This would be our first babies 3rd Christmas. We would be out buying gifts for a crazy toddler & spoiling him or her like crazy. We would be taking them to see santa & we might even have one of those creepy elf on the shelf guys hanging around. But that’s not our reality right now.
Now, our day to day lives the rest of the year are so busy & God has laid out a new plan for us that we truly see so it’s not that we ever forget about our six children in heaven, but we also do not dwell on the fact that we do not have our Children here on earth. Sure there are moments that we remember our children in heaven & it makes us sad, but I am so thankful that we have been given the gift of peace that we do not dwell in sadness. God seems to reveal big plans for us after each one of our losses & for that I am thankful. We know that life is all in His timing & we have learned early on that we can’t sit around and be sad about that. So, while the rest of the year we are busy living our dreams & enjoying married life just us two while we wait for that beautiful bundle of joy we know God will let us hold here on earth one day, the holidays are a still a time we want to enjoy while we wait. So here are a few tips that help us love the holidays even after saying goodbye to our babies. If you have miscarried a child or if you are struggling with infertility & you are a little hesitant to go through this Christmas season, I hope these tips help you cope with your loss as you gather with your family & friends…
-Talk about it… or don’t. – The whole process of going through miscarriage & infertility is so different for every single person. No one handles it the exact same way & not everyone feels the same. So when you gather with family and friends remember it’s your right to talk about the loss of your baby as much or as little as you feel comfortable with. If you get asked questions you can politely direct the conversation in a different direction or if you are like me you can be really open about the whole situation. Our babies were on this earth for such a little amount of time & made such an impact on me that I want their legacy to live on & I feel like talk about them makes me feel closer to them. I hope by being open about our babies that it brings awareness to not just my family, but to others that even though they were only on this earth for a few weeks, they still matter & they are still special to us.
– People do not mean most of the things they say. – This one is hard. When you are at Christmas parties things can be said. People will point out that you don’t have kids, they will tell you that “you better get on it”, they will ask you when you will have kids, they will tell you that “life without kids is meaningless” [I’ve heard all of these & more & I’m sure you have too] but what we must remember & what will help you get through the parties where these comments are made is that THEY DO NOT MEAN WHAT THEY ARE SAYING. Their words sting in our gut because we feel the loss that they forget about or that they have not experienced. We remember that our babies are supposed to be here happy & healthy with us so this these words hurt deep. They don’t understand what it means to lose a child, they do not know how their words cut so deep to your core. They forget to say how good life is before kids too [we must remember this too, this time is precious & we need to enjoy every last second because we will miss it], they forget that sometimes having a baby isn’t the easiest journey, & they do not understand that pointing out the missing baby in an insensitive way can hurt. Just always remember that most of the comments weren’t meant to hurt you, they don’t understand how the comments made you feel, & that they love you. We must forgive in our hearts even if they don’t understand they hurt you.
– You are not alone. – Know that what you are feeling is normal. Whether you are happy despite your loss, depressed because of your loss, or somewhere in between, all of these feelings you have are normal. We all handle miscarriage differently. You are not alone. There are so many of us who are on this journey, but you can feel alone when you are surrounded by babies & pregnant bellies while Christmas shopping & attending all of those parties. A lot of people are not open about miscarriage & infertility so while you are at your holiday parties you may be among someone that is struggling to get pregnant or is experiencing loss in silence. Just know you are not alone, you can reach out to the people you trust, you can be comforted that you are not the odd one out, you can know that where you are at now is a good place & that you are not alone in loving that baby of yours.
– Even if it’s not talked about people care. – While everyone is talking about pregnancies, babies, & things of that nature, know that they may not bring up your pregnancy or your baby that you have lost because they do not know how to, they don’t feel comfortable, or they may not understand the impact of your miscarriage on your life. Remember they didn’t get to bond with that little sweet baby like you did. They didn’t carry that life inside of them, & they didn’t experience the loss at the magnitude that you did. Even if they do not talk about your miscarriage or that sweet baby at your holiday party, most people are thinking of you, praying for you, and caring for you in silence.
-Try to soak this time in as it is. – I’ve said it before, but seriously try to enjoy this time. I get a lot of questions on how we have handled losing six of our babies, but to me it’s all about trusting God & knowing that He is in control of our journey. I trust His plan for me & I truly enjoy everyday because some day my life will change drastically & it will be welcomed, but it will be hard & filled with new challenges of having a child here on earth so in the mean time I am making the most of this beautiful life we live. I am so thankful for everything God has given us & every blessing of those six babies & every other blessing in our lives. I’m enjoying Christmas time with the love of my life & really soaking in Christmas with him because I don’t want to forget these moments of being a family of two here, these special times that are a gift as a married couple, & why not treasure this time with my best friend while we have this time. I enjoy spoiling each other, having Christmas dates every day just the two of us, having no schedule & no cares, & I know these days are numbered so I am treasuring each and every one. This applies to if you are a family of 2, 3, 4, 5, or 10. This time is precious & while we are mourning the one that we loss it helps to remember that we need to cherish this moment & this holiday season with the family members we have here on earth.
– Be choosy about what events you will go to. – During Christmas surrounding yourself with those that you love & are comfortable with is key. If you know that there is a holiday party that is not going to be good for your emotions going into it, than you are allowed to say no. Of course you will want to go to your close families holiday parties, but if there is a holiday party that makes you feel uncomfortable after your miscarriage you need to take care of yourself & your heart so you can heal from your miscarriage. While it’s possible to be happy through the holidays, we are allowed to protect ourselves from any more pain after our loss.
-Start a new tradition. – You are a family despite your loss. Whether you are a family of 2 like Jose & I or a family of 4 after your loss. It may seem difficult to start family traditions when you just lost a family member that you were carrying in your womb, but this simple new tradition can make your family feel more complete & help you remember that your little baby is in heaven with the greatest protector of all. Start new traditions like christmas morning breakfast, making gingerbread houses, doing a advent calendar, setup a nativity scene, attend Christmas church services, just to name a few. Christmas traditions can bring excitement back to the season, keep our minds occupied, & comfort you in the wake of such a tragic loss.
– Buy your future baby Christmas gifts. – I do this quite often & it’s so special! It helps me feel close to our babies we lost & our future babies. In fact this week while walking through Target I actually bought my first gender specific item of clothing [A knitted pink & white onsie] & it made me so excited to put our little bundle of joy in it. I used to feel shameful walking through the baby section like I wasn’t allowed in there without a secret password, like everyone was staring at me & wondering why I was in there, like they all knew my situation that I was struggling to carry a baby to full term. But now it has been a great healing element for me. It brings me hope & joy to spoil our future children already & we should never have shame for having hope & faith preparing for that baby.
-Memorialize your child.- Sometimes while the world keeps moving & life goes on, we feel like that little life we carried is forgotten. After 6 miscarriages I sometimes feel like the 6 lives that I carried in my womb are forgotten, but having pieces to remember these babies helps me remember those days I carried them safely, the days we had high hopes for them here on earth, & the days where God blessed us with that tiny life. Making or buying ornaments for those babies is a great way to memorialize their short lives & a great way to remember those happy days with them during the holiday season.
I hope this post helps you in some way & brings you peace during this season of great joy. I know that we are all different even if we are all mommas to babies in heaven, we all deal with our situations differently. Please know that these tips are from my heart & how I know how to deal with our loss. I’m praying for all of you out there this Christmas as we all remember our children we had to say goodbye to so soon. Find me on Facebook & chat with me on Instagram & as always THANK YOU for stopping by my blog & sharing it with your friends, it means so much! Merry Christmas friends! xx
Read more about our fertility & miscarriage journey below..
Our 6th baby [here].
Our second & third babies [here].