4 years ago Jose & I decided that it would be pretty cool to be a mom & dad. Little did we know that 4 years later we would be sitting here with 7 babies in heaven, tons of fertility struggles, & still waiting on our little miracle baby here on earth. I’m an open book when it comes to our fertility journey & I’m so glad to share it here with you guys. Thanks for following along with our journey & for supporting us along the way…
I shared the loss of our first child last mothers day here on the blog. Since then we have had to say goodbye to two more little babies. I wanted to share this here on the blog today not for sympathy because we are so happily at peace about the loss & we know that God wanted those babies with Him & not here on earth, but I wanted to share for those out there that feel like they are alone in their loss. You are not alone. I want you to know that it’s going to be ok. You will be ok.
Last August I had a slight feeling that I was pregnant, which was strange & random because we had been trying for a year since our last loss the August before, so on a whim I took a pregnancy test & to my shock I got a big fat positive. I was a little nervous for the simple fact that at the same time the year before I lost our first child, but I went to the doctors and things seemed to be going great. A few weeks later right before our 6th wedding anniversary I had signs that I was loosing the beautiful life that was growing within me. I was devastated that another one of our children was being taken away from us so early. No answers as to why, except for the simple fact that the baby was not healthy. For that reason I am thankful. I’m thankful that the precious baby that was with us for 9 short weeks is now perfectly healthy in heaven, I’m thankful that I will meet that sweet child one day, & I’m thankful that God allowed me to get pregnant for the second time.
Fast forward to last October, I was taking a bath one night & I felt a sensation in my lower belly that was so sudden and sharp that I knew something was going on. I hopped out of the tub & took an ovulation test trying to figure out what that feeling was & a big fat smiley face showed up right away. To prove it was ovulation & that I wasn’t pregnant I also took a pregnancy test right after & sure enough it said “pregnant” within seconds. This couldn’t be, we were not even trying. In fact we were about to start with a new fertility doctor the next day. Excitement, fear, & more emotions were looming over me. Were we ready for this? It’s really strange and maybe I shouldn’t admit this here on the blog, but every time we get pregnant I’m scared that we are not ready for kids & maybe not ready to say goodbye to this life we have known for so long with just us two that we love so much, but again we know God will make it perfect, like he has made it now & we trust He knows best. And who is really ever completely ready for that big change right? Along we went with our new doctor & things were going great this time. Over Thanksgiving we went to visit my friend Rach in Savannah & on that trip I was 8 weeks pregnant feeling tired & nauseous, but excited for this third baby & that is also when she took these photos of Jose & I that are in this blog post. These photos are special because I feel like it’s a way we can remember that third baby of ours & celebrate the short life & happiness that the baby brought to us. Thanksgiving in Savannah was amazing & the little life in me was still growing strong. When we got back to North Carolina a few days after thanksgiving we had a baby appointment that would change me forever. We went in not expecting much, but to our surprise right there on the Ultra Sound screen we saw a tiny baby heartbeat flickering away & a few seconds later we heard the beautiful sound of the babies heart filling the room. Tears. It’s the first time we had heard any of our babies heartbeats. What a beautiful sound it was. We left that appointment with photos of our precious baby & walked in silence because we were still in shock of how amazing the appointment had been & the fact that we had a tiny healthy little heartbeat flickering inside me. A week later our hopes and dreams for that little baby here on earth were brought to an abrupt halt. A few weeks before Christmas we lost our third baby. That little heartbeat just stopped beating. Again, no answers & no explanation other than this baby was unhealthy & is in a better place. Again I’m so thankful for that tiny baby & that God knows what’s best. I’m also thankful that I was able to get pregnant a third time. Such a blessing to have been able to carry one of God’s children even though it wasn’t for very long.
No matter how thankful we are for God intervening in our life their are still moments where the losses are hard & some days are more difficult than others, but when I learned to say thank you for everything in my life, not only the easy things, my life became so much better & more full. Accepting that it’s all part of God’s perfect plan for us changes the way we view the losses of our beautiful children. Our life is amazing because He is in control.
I want to end this post out by saying that I am thankful for my losses. You read that right. I am so thankful for every move God makes in my life. I am thankful for the lesson he has taught us about how fragile life is. I am now so aware of life & how precious each moment it is. I see miracles when I look at healthy babies & I no longer take for granted the things I used to. For that I am thankful. I am so thankful that God showed me just how amazing this husband He gave me is & just how amazing & strong the Marriage he blessed us with really is. I love this life of ours & I’m not going to say that it’s perfect, but for the lack of a better words it’s perfectly ours & I know if I planned my life it probably wouldn’t have been this good. I have this ability to wake up with a smile on my face everyday & be so excited about life because I have this faith in God that can’t be broken. I am thankful that through hardships he has made my faith in Him grow to limits I never knew were possible. I know He has amazing plans for us & I see them unfolding daily. Jose & I are so blessed beyond measure & I know some people may think we should not be this happy with 3 losses in the past two years, but everyone suffers from something in their lives & it’s how you choose to live your life that can make or break you. God didn’t choose for us to have those three babies here on earth, & we are so excited to meet them someday in their perfect form that they will be in. In a dream the other day I dreamed that Jose & I were on a honeymoon that lasted for years just us two & laughing & being free. After waking up I realized that’s exactly how our life is now. We moved away from home right when we got married seven years ago & have lived just him & I on this honeymoon by ourselves loving life & being able to just enjoy each other as best friends & soak every second in together. After that dream I regretted ever trying so hard to change God’s plan that I had lost track of being happy in the moment. ENJOY THE NOW! Enjoy the beautiful moment you are in whatever it is. Don’t focus on the loss, the heartache, marriage problems, money issues, job difficulties, or whatever you are going through because all these things will pass & you will be so much happier looking back realizing you chose to be happy through those times while trusting that God’s plan is better than anything you could imagine. Happiness is a choice. Be thankful for every moment in your life because God is shaping you for something great & those things are making you a better person. Choose to let those situations make you a better person. Let it make you softer, kinder, & love more deeply. Smile today & know that you are going to be ok. It will all be ok.
Dear sweet babies, I’m so thankful I was your mom for your short lives here on earth & I’m so thankful you have each other up in Heaven. Your dad & I will think of you everyday & we can’t wait to see your beautiful faces someday. I’m so thankful you are healthy & happy now. We love you so much. Love your mommy & daddy.