One hot summer day in 2012 I woke up from a dream about wasps chasing me. Scariest dream ever. I never dream. I decided that it was strange that I had this nightmare so I went into the bathroom & took a pregnancy test. I set it on the counter & jumped in the shower. When I came out I looked on the counter & my jaw fell to the floor. There were two pink lines. The joy that filled my heart, the smile that wouldn’t leave my face, I will never forget that moment. That feeling. I was a momma. Jose was gone at work & I couldn’t tell him that he was a dad over the phone. So I sat on the couch in my towel. With my hair soaking wet. Holding the pregnancy test & just smiling. I couldn’t possibly function because I was in shock. He came home at lunch time and I immediately started crying while pointing at the test, he instantly had tears & just held me. We were parents.
I already loved that baby more than I could ever tell someone. I never knew the connection I would feel with a life that was only 5 weeks old inside of me. I instantly wanted to be a better person, the best mom in the world, & I started imagining my life with this blessing that God had placed inside of me. For a few weeks I was in a strange disbelief & things that used to matter didn’t matter anymore because I was carrying a tiny human inside of me & my heart was full joy.
I never knew that at 9 weeks I would encounter another nightmare. The life that was growing healthy inside of me died. And so did a piece of me. I can never describe that feeling of waking up in the morning after losing my baby the night before. For a split second I wanted to believe it wasn’t real, that it was like the wasp dream that I had & our child was okay inside of me. The days following my miscarriage were nothing short of traumatic. The world was a blur. Sounds, smells, sites, and feelings were not the same & there was never a moment that at a drop of a hat I wouldn’t start uncontrollably crying. I felt like I would never feel the same, and in some ways things never went back to the way they were before our first child. A part of me left, a part of me died, but as a whole I grew stronger. Through losing our first baby I have never been closer to God or my husband. & for that I am grateful.
There is not a week that goes by that I don’t think of our baby & what milestone that we would be at. Today our sweet baby would be 2 months old. I am forever grateful for all of the amazing support we receive from family & friends, the change in me, the relationship I now have with God, & oddly enough for those few weeks of pure joy & that closeness I felt with our child. Knowing I will someday be reunited with that sweet innocent baby in Heaven brings tears to my eyes even as I type this. Since August I have not gone public with our miscarriage, & have remained silent & only discussed my feelings with God & family, not wanting to be vulnerable or put my feelings in writing. Lately I have felt this overwhelming wave of peace that I couldn’t keep to myself. Peace in knowing that this is all part of my plan. Peace in knowing that there are beautiful moments to come. Peace in knowing that we are blessed. Peace in knowing that God is in control. Peace I can’t keep to myself. Every day I get better and better. Stronger & stronger. I am so thankful that my heart has been healing and that the Lord has given me peace & understanding. I will forever remember that day in August when we had to say goodbye & my birthday in March that was the due date of our sweet angel, but among those hard days are many more good days. & of course on this Mothers day where I would have been celebrating with my little bundle of joy I am blessed that my husband made this day extra special for me, that church eased my heart, & family & friends sent there love. Just little reminders that everything is going to be okay.
Dear sweet baby, I love you so much. My heart hurts because I never got to hold you or be your mommy very long here on earth, but one day your daddy & I will see you again & until then I will be strong knowing that you are happy & healthy where you are. I love you baby more than I can ever say. Love always, your mommy.