I’ve been meaning to share this with you guys for a few weeks now, but to be super honest with you I kept forgetting. When you hear what I have to tell you that might seem terrible,but hear me out. The month of May was so insane. We had more than one big thing everyday along with work, school, booth, blog, friends, family, parties, celebrations, conferences, travel, I mean I could keep going. I feel like I am in the season of my life where I am just constantly on the go & never have a moment to breathe & I’m ok with that. A lot of amazing things have been happening to me & I’m so thankful. I will embrace the busy for now. On top of all that I lost one of the most special men in my life in the beginning of the month, my grandpa. I’m crying as I write this because whenever I think of him my heart just hurts, I miss him so much & would give anything to see him again. It’s made what I’m about to tell you harder, but easier at the same time. & there is always the part where I want to share the happy things here. The DIY projects, the home decor, and all the lovely things, but this is also part of our lives & you guys have been on this journey with us so I wanted to share as soon as I had the words.
Right before my birthday at the end of March, Jose & lost our 5th baby. That’s kind of hard to type because it feels like such a huge loss. 5 of our babies are now in heaven with our Lord & Savior. We found out we were pregnant with this precious bundle of joy on Valentine’s Day this year 3 months after we lost our 4th baby when we were living in North Carolina. We were not trying to get pregnant at this time, but you know things happen & of course we were overjoyed that God wanted us to be pregnant with our 5th baby. & of course we were scared because we had lost our first 4 babies before this one. We were also nervous because we didn’t really have a doctor yet in Michigan & we knew things would be way different now that we were out of the military. Everything was going smoothly & I felt tired, bloated, and sick which is great when you are preggo right? Well, I was in LA for a week I was feeling super pregnant which at 8 weeks is just a lot of bloating, extreme exhaustion, & for me.. Just not feeling or looking to hot. I was kind of happy I was feeling like that because it kept reminding me that this might just be a healthy pregnancy. Well, ok the last day in LA I woke up to get ready to shoot the commercial & while in the bathroom I started spotting. Terror ran through me. My stomach dropped & my heart fell out of my chest. Not again. After a quick call to the hubby who was back in Michigan he assured me that it would be ok & that I shouldn’t worry about it. I went on with my day with that of course in my head & a day later I was back in Michigan in the comfort of my home & waiting for blood results to see how our baby was doing. I was still spotting, but I knew that it’s sometimes normal to do that when you were pregnant & I also know that with the Lord all things are possible so I knew things weren’t officially over. The next morning I got the call from my doctor. At this point I just had a feeling already before he said anything. He then told us we had lost our 5th baby. I wasn’t shocked & I knew in my heart that something was wrong. I was sad that I never got to meet that baby of ours, & my heart hurt that we had to go through the process of losing another child. Mentally & physically it’s so painful & exhausting losing a baby. You see, not to be graphic, & of course it’s different for everyone, but when you miscarry if you choose to do so naturally. Your body goes into labor. You have labor like pains, contractions, & the whole birth process without being able to hold your baby when it’s over. We have always chosen to have the baby naturally and each time Mr. LMB is right by my side which I am forever grateful for his strength, nurturing spirit, & gift of knowledge in these medical situations, but oh how I wish we didn’t have to feel the hurt that is that of losing a child.
Losing 5 babies is hard. Losing 5 babies hurts. Losing 5 babies is scary. I will do a separate post on the testing and everything we have gone through with our fertility journey if you guys would like, but it’s scary to lose 5 babies & not know what is wrong with you. There is a lot of questions that we can not answer, but I know who has the answer. It’s my father in heaven. He knows why these babies left the earth so soon, He knows how He will add children to our lives, He knows the plans He has for us. & I trust that with my whole heart. I can see our babies purpose in many ways, but lately in a huge way. I love meeting readers of my lovely little blog in person & since moving to Michigan there isn’t a week where I don’t meet s reader & almost 99% of the time they bring up our sweet angels. Most of them have also gone through loss themselves & tell me that by sharing our story it has helped them. & I hope you all know that by chatting with me on here about our babies, coming up to us in public & talking about our children, & all of the comments on social media about our journey helps us. & I’m so so so thankful for you guys. What an amazing feeling that no matter how many DIY projects or pretty home photos I share, you all talk about our babies the most. Sharing our journey with our first loss was so scary, but now with the loss of baby 5 I just can’t imagine not sharing our journey with you guys. Thank you! I know our babies have a purpose here on earth & seeing why their short lives ended so soon has blessed me so much & I’m so proud to be their mom.
Please know that we are ok, and that our precious 5th child is in a better place. Please know that we are happy & live a life we love. Please know that I pray for all of you who have lost a child. It’s never easy, but I hope you know you are not alone in your journey & neither are those loved babies of yours. One more thing I wanted to share with you. The week before my grandpa passed away, we were sitting in the den together & having a conversation that had sad moments because we knew his time here on earth was coming to an end. In the middle of our convo all of the sudden his face lit up when we started talking about our babies in heaven & he said, “that’s right! I get to meet them very soon!” Oh my. Waterworks. My grandpa got to go to heaven & hold all of those babies he never got to meet here on earth. If it was even possible to love my grandpa even more, in that moment my love grew a million times more. Know those heavenly babies are being held and played with by so many loving people up there. RIP to my amazing grandpa & RIP to our sweet 5th angel. Love you all. Xx
Do you have any specific questions for me? Anything about our journey you want to know about? Anything you would like me to include in a blog post about our fertility journey? Leave the questions below & I will try to answer them & blog them soon. Hugs!! xx
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