This post is not a bitter post by any means. Sometimes when I read posts about fertility I sense this harshness that turns me off right away. This post has been requested so many times for me to do & I have now lost 5 babies so I feel like all 10 of these things have been said to me. You know, when people are trying to comfort me or when they chat with me on a normal daily basis. I never really take offense to any of it because honestly I personally struggle with talking to people who have miscarried or that struggle with fertility as well even though I have experienced it. I don’t know what to say most of the time. I never get angry when they say these things, but they do catch me off guard every time. But who knows there could be someone out there struggling with infertility that is more sensitive & these things could really hurt them. So, this isn’t a post about how I know everything you should say to someone on their fertility journey or about how perfect I am at comforting someone through the loss of a baby.. because I’m far from it. But it’s things that maybe we should avoid saying all the time to people that struggle with infertility or that have miscarried. Now, these might not be true for everyone, but these are things I have had friends share with me that they have heard & some that I have experienced myself. I hope this helps some of you who do not know what it feels like to go through any of this as you talk to people that are going through it. Or if you are like me & you have been through these things, but maybe just need a reminder of what not to say to someone who struggles with infertility…
1. “Just wait until you are a mom” – For me this one is a kicker. I’m sitting here having been pregnant 5 times, have carried these babies for a few months, have loved these babies, prayed for these babies, connected with these babies, & promised these babies the world. I am a mom. I carried a life inside of me five times, so let’s not say that one. & to the women who can’t get pregnant…That’s what they are waiting for.. that’s what they pray for.. let’s not rub that in that there is this wait. I don’t think there is another thing to say in place of this, but let’s avoid this one all together.
2. “Just stop trying & it will happen” – Nope. Nope. Nope. Not how it works. You have to keep trying. The trying is the most important part for us that struggle with fertility. Sure, maybe eventually it would just happen, but for most of us we need full medical assistance or at least a lot of planning, eating right, praying, & LOTS OF TRYING to get pregnant. Those words can be hurtful too for those that work so hard to gain control of their fertility, you are basically saying that because they are trying & because of all their work that’s why it’s not happening. Let’s maybe say… “You are doing so good & being so strong, keep your head up & keep trying.”
3. “You don’t need a doctor! My friend tried eating ______ & it worked”– Another big nope. A lot of us get poked & prodded with needles weekly. We have so many doctor visits that we can’t count them. We have legit conditions that no potato would ever cure. We wish! Potatoes would be a whole lot cheaper than fertility treatments, but for most of us it’s just not the case. Suggesting something isn’t mean though, & don’t get me wrong, but maybe just saying it worked for someone & not stating that it’s what’s going to cure who you are talking to. Because trust me, we’ve probably already tried it.
4. “It’s all in God’s Time.” – We know. We learn this lesson every month when it doesn’t happen. We know this for a fact. We don’t need to be reminded of it or get it thrown in our face over & over again. Everyone struggles with something. If you lose your job, or someone dies, or a child gets sick it’s not comforting to hear “It’s in God’s time”, but maybe we need to hear “We are praying for you” or “I love you & I’m here for you”. & this one I know is controversial because I know in my heart that God is in control of my life & everything that happens in it, & He reminds me of that. I’m just not comforted when someone else reminds me of that.
5. “Why don’t you just adopt.” – Ummmm this one I will never get. First of all it’s not “just adopting” Adoption is the most beautiful thing you could do for another human being & it’s not a thing you just do over night or on your lunch break. It’s a life changing long process that many I know are going through. Many people I know who have conceived children & many who are choosing adoption over trying to conceive children. It’s not the solution for everyone who struggles with infertility. Personally we have talked about adoption long before we ever knew we would deal with infertility. We would love that opportunity to have a child through adoption, but you have to know that you don’t offer up this as the solution like this person has never thought of this before. It’s not for everyone. It takes a strong courageous person to make the decision to adopt. & to me it kind of sounds like you are telling the person to just give up with their fertility journey & that’s not very supportive either. Though, supporting someone on an adoption journey is the best thing you could do, it doesn’t need to be offered up as the solution to their infertility or their miscarriages. Adoption is amazing & anyone who says things like “Oh it’s not their baby, they adopted” or “They didn’t have any babies of their own, they just adopted” I will never understand. Adoption is a struggle that far exceeds 9 months. There is waiting, heartbreak, more waiting, fear, pain & so much more that goes into adopting. It should not be looked at in any other way besides completely respected because those babies are their own babies. They carried them in their hearts, & forever they will be there.
6. “I hate being pregnant.” – Though this is true for many many women, it doesn’t need to be said in front of someone you KNOW who would love to carry a child. Now, once in a while complaining about pregnancy is fine, I mean you are carrying a 4 pound child in there that is kicking your ribs & making you nauseous, I get it! But the constant complaining in front of someone who struggles with fertility is a big no. It’s very inconsiderate & if you are close to the person it can be very hurtful. This is one I have really learned a lot from, I know when I carry to term [praying that God allows this to happen] I am really going to have to watch what I say in front of people & maybe save the complaints for my boo thang while he rubs my feet haha. Use your own transgressions on this one & maybe put yourself in their shoes?
7. “You will understand when you are a mom” – This one I can kind of get. I mean I don’t understand waking up in the middle of the night to change a poopy diaper quite yet or getting no sleep because of a baby. I mean I just get no sleep because of work, school, & other things at the moment. But I also don’t get it for the other 98% of the time. I had this one conversation the other day & everything that was said to the “you will understand when you are a mom” response were things that a normal functioning adult would understand being a mom or not. I am a human.. I am a responsible adult with feelings… 98% of the time that phrase is used I think it’s just being said, but I think a man or woman without a child would “understand” what you are talking about because we have normal feelings & we are normal people. I am also not going to tell you that I understand what it’s like to wake up for five feedings a night, I have learned that lesson through all of this. I know this phrase isn’t mean to hurt, but when you are waiting to become a mom or if you are not being recognized as a mom of angel babies.. it hurts. I think what you meant to say is “You will understand when you have a toddler poop all over you while the baby is crying in the bouncer.” but you know what, let’s not even say that… it’s kind of a put down & should also be avoided.
8. “Oh we didn’t invite you because you don’t have kids…” – I mean I love going to the zoo or the park, didn’t you before you had kids? I like sitting on park benches & sipping lattes or checking out the monkey exhibit. I mean, yes I don’t always make time to do these things because I’m busy with my own schedule, but an invite says a 1,000 words. It says.. “Hey, we want to hang out with you & we don’t think you need a kid with you to be fun.” among other things. & I also love being around kids too, it teaches me a lot for when I have kids here on earth & I think that by inviting someone that maybe doesn’t have kids it shows that there can still be a friendship. To be left our for struggling with fertility is hurtful & it truly makes that person feel that you are not supporting them on this journey they are on. It’s kind of like a scene form Mean Girls if there was a remake of it with them as adults. I’m getting flashbacks of the “You can’t sit with us!” scene. Let’s all play nice. Oh, & don’t be offended if your friend that struggles with infertility declines she might have something else to do that day, she might have to work, she might be busy, she might be having a bad day, she might be on fertility drugs that make her nauseous every second of the day, but PLEASE know that your gesture of inviting maybe made her day & that she is thankful.
9. “I hate my kids.” – Believe it or not this happened to me. This really happened. Now, they didn’t know what I was struggling with or what I had been through in their defense [if there is a defense to that]. But just in case you say this about your children in front of someone who struggles with fertility. Just don’t. Maybe you don’t mean it & your kids are giving you a hard time that day, but maybe choose some better words. Now, trust me, I know that kids aren’t always perfect & that they are the naughtiest little cutest things ever, but to really choose what you complain about in front of that person can make a world of difference. Most of them would give anything to have a naughty little rascal around so it just takes the joy & the life out of trying for that naughty little rascal to arrive when you constantly complain about your children.
10. “I know what you are going through, it took us 3 months” – Well, since it’s considered “normal” to take a year to get pregnant & most people who struggle with fertility have been trying for a 1+ years this isn’t something that needs to be said. Everyone takes their fertility journey differently. I have to say that I think I take our 3 year/5 loss fertility journey very well & don’t let it control my days or my feelings like I have known some people who have tried for 5 months to do. It’s not a bad thing either way, everyone handles things differently. This example just proves that any kind of comparison isn’t valid, & maybe that person struggling for 3 months is depressed, sad & struggling more than the person that has been trying for 2 years, but since it’s a comparison with so many variables, it’s just not necessary. To say you understand the hurt of loss & the struggle of trying is ok, but leave the time comparisons & all of that out. This is one I need to work on.. telling someone with one loss that I know the pain because I have lost 5 isn’t helping them more than just telling them I understand the pain of miscarriage & letting them talk about their feelings. Infertility isn’t the time or the place to one-up someone. I think this one goes both ways, maybe not always bringing up how long it took you & maybe not always bringing up the number of losses or failed attempts, & not always sharing how long you have been trying. Of course this information should be shared sometimes, but there is a time & a place.
Whew! That was a long post. I truly from the bottom of my heart hope this helps someone in some way. I know writing it all down made me think of things I could change as well. No negative feelings towards anyone who has ever said one of these things because we do not always know how to comfort someone going through such a hard thing, but we all could use the reminder. Hug someone that you know is on a fertility journey because they need to know that people are there for them, they are not alone, & that there are people out there that truly care. I hope you guys liked this post & that you can share it with someone in your life who you think would enjoy it. Praying for all of my readers on their fertility journey & who have experienced loss. Know that I care about you even though I don’t always know what to say. Leave me a comment below, find me on Facebook, & chat with me on Instagram. xx
Read more about our fertility journey…
I have PCOS, I am not PCOS [here]
All photos in the post by @RachLovesTroy
Big hugs sweet friend!!!!
As you know my sister has struggled and it’s hard to know what to say sometimes, even to my own family.
Thank you for sharing with such openness and grace.
What a great list. It is all spot on. After 5 years of different treatments, 4 doctors, lots of money and heartache my husband and I had our daughter via if with egg donation.
Liz, thank you for insight on this. I’m the type of person that tends to leave the issue alone with my friends who tell me they have been struggling with this. I never know what to say except that I pray for them and that I am here to listen with open ears when they bring it up. But after reading this, you have challenged me to just let them know I am still here and praying instead of avoiding bringing it up ever all together! I see that it isn’t wise to always ask about it, but it also might seem as if I never think of them in my prayers if I never mention it on my own. well, I’m still conflicted. I truly pray for my friends because I know they deeply desire to have children but is it wrong that I wait for them to bring it up? thanks for sharing. I would otherwise have no one to ask about this.
I am praying for you!
Liz, this post was very well thought out and written and I appreciate it so much. It’s given me good insight to support those I know who have gone through the same. I would go as far to say that #’s 7, 8, and 9 shouldn’t be said to anyone, whether struggling with infertility or not! I don’t enjoy being left out of things because my husband and I don’t have children and feel that other women (or men) who tell me I “wouldn’t understand” something because I’m not a mom are just trying to place themselves above me in someway. I’m sure there is lots I don’t understand, but there’s lots they don’t understand about me either. Very well written and touching post to start my day.
This is a really important reminder that we should be conscious of the things we say in general… and in circumstances such as these. Thank you for sharing and God bless you!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts & experience so bravely & thoughtfully. One thought regarding the “I hated being pregnant” struggle. While I would always suggest we are sensitive to the stories of others, pregnancy was very difficult for me (in and out of the hospital, unable to work, etc.) & I experienced a lot of shame around this because so many in community & family love all things pregnancy.
When someone asks I will share, “My pregnancies were very difficult. I am so thankful for my boys & would do it all again for them but it was the hardest thing I have ever done.”
We all have different struggled & it can be hard to hear others be glib about a pain that is so acute and personal to us. I think of the unemployed who hear people complaining about their jobs or expensive purchases, the sick, disabled, or chronically ill who hear others talk so flippantly about issues of health and mobility, or someone who has lost a spouse hear others complain about theirs. We would all do well to be sensitive to the hurts of others as we share our experience but not at the expense of our own stories.
Thank you again for sharing your journey so bravely and faithfully!
Liz,
Having spoken with you at Haven last year right after miscarrying, I knew that I had found a kindred spirit who understood the journey that many of us are on and you were able to say the things that needed to be said in a positive and insightful way. Really, when many people mentioned most of the list above I wanted to walk away with my middle finger in the air. You on the other hand, would be able to convey the needed message with much more polite words. Of all of the people that I have spoken with about infertility and miscarriage, you are the one who I keep the most in my thoughts because your words, spirit, and positivity helped me to figure out that anger isn’t always the best way to travel through this period in life.
Meagan
Beautiful post, Liz! Thank you for opening your heart to write this! This post was like a beautiful spring rain to me as I, like many, have lost 4 beautiful babies in the past 2 years. I was just talking about these types of “sayings” with a friend this week and I just couldn’t put it into words, but you did it perfectly!! Blessings, hugs and prayers with you!
Hugs to you! I’ve been praying for you for a very long time. It never ceases to amaze me how some people have no filter and say the most insensitive things! Since we struggled with secondary infertility and already had 2 kids at the time, after we miscarried I often heard “well at least you already have two kids.” (As if that means the loss matters less or hurts less.) I also heard the one about “relax and stop trying, it’ll happen.” Nope! As you said, it definitely doesn’t work that way!
Anyway, I truly pray you will get your rainbow baby soon! Looking forward to seeing you at Haven!
This is so great… A lot of the articles and blog posts I have read along these lines come from such a place of bitterness and hatred. Reading those makes me feel more bitterness and hatred about infertility than when I started. But this is so much closer to how I feel about infertility. Hurt, but trying not to be bitter and angry, and instead just moving forward. This makes me want to be more open about my fertility problems with family and close friends, who make comments like these and more, who just don’t know, and can’t know until I tell them, that the comments can be hurtful.
IMO #9 is a hateful thing that should NEVER be said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my goodness…
Thank you for posting this! I have yet to be married or have children and I’m 44. I have finally found Mr. Right a couple of years ago. For the last 15 years the questions range from “why are you waiting to get married” to “you better have children now, the older you wait the more chance of having a disabled child”. People can be very hurtful and I have been hurt many times by thoughtless comments. Bless you for sharing Liz! Also, I would be blessed and would love any child with whatever type of condition I would have!!!
I love that you found such a graceful way to say the things that we all are thinking. My husband and I have been struggling for 2+ years through infertility and miscarriages and have been very open about our struggle. I don’t regret my choice to be so open about our journey, but it also opens the door wide open for comments from everyone who knows us. Some people simply avoid the subject at all costs, but some feel like they have all the answers. It is certainly hard to respectfully respond in the moment when comments like this are mentioned. I commend you for being so brave and strong through you difficulties and always looks forward to hearing the next piece of your puzzle.
THANK YOU!!! Oh my goodness, you said perfectly all the things I have been thinking. Thank you for sharing. My husband and I deal with infertility. At first the doctors thought is was me, only to find out that my husband is sterile. He’s been doing treatments for the past 3 years. It’s heartbreaking to see him go through the disappointment after each test that just confirms that we will not be having kids on our own. We are in the process of going through a failed international adoption. We’ve had the baby with our family for 15 months and she will be taken away to be put in an orphanage or forced to be with her biological mother, who doesn’t want her. I can’t stand the “why don’t you just adopt” comment. It’s emotionally, physically, and financially draining for some. This heartbreak has affected me in ways that I never knew.
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts with those of us who are also dealing with infertility. I know it helps me feel like I”m not alone.
Liz,
This is great advice for so many people who just do not understand what it is like to go through infertility issues. This is so refreshing to read when this is a subject that I too often keep to myself. I do not want to burden my friends that are busy with their babies with my struggles to conceive. When we had all hoped to be pregnant together, it is hard to watch them with their now 7 month old babies. And to hear them complain is hard, when all I want is a baby, even if they’re up all night, even if they’s spitting up all the time. They’re still a baby. But I trust that God has a plan and that this experience is making my husband and myself stronger. You have played an important part in my realizing that this is in fact His plan. The hardest part for me is hearing my 5 year old (adopted) daughter ask when it will be our turn to have a baby. I want so badly to give her that experience, and feel like I am failing as a mother to do so. It is a hard struggle, and it is nice to know that others out there can talk about it in a positive way. Thank you and good luck to you and Mr. LMB in your journey!
Xx
I’m praying for you.
I have two clomid babies. I’m so thankful for that medicine.
Just to add, at times I am left out and not invited because I have children. Because I’m a mom. People can be just plain awful.
Great post!
thank you so much for sharing this post. This subject has been heavy on my heart lately. My husband and I have been trying to conceive for two years. Finally after two long years of hearing all of these comments we got pregnant. However, only five weeks in found out that I was having an ectopic pregnancy, cue more inappropriate comments.
I can’t imagine all the heartbreak you
have been through. Praying for you
Hi Liz-
A friend suggested that I follow you on Instagram awhile back, but I just found your blog today and have read through the first few lovely posts. I feel that we have much in common- my husband and I are currently in the HOT Phoenix area, but plan to move back to the midwest (WI) in the next year to be closer to family and get away from the desert. We are 26 and have been married almost 4 years, but have known each other almost 10. I am gluten free and have PCOS and am on Metformin, and my husband is currently in the military.
We are strong Christians, and while I looked for your blog for you fantastic decorating ideas that I think would fit so well in our WI dream home, I was blown away by your honesty and strength in this post. As a couple seriously considering adoption, your #5 point was also spot on. You will be in my prayers as you continue to walk this journey!
Liz,
Even when I probably will never meet you in person (I’ve been following you from The Netherlands), I just wanted to share something with you…
I was born after my mum lost 5 pregnancies. While pregnant with me she had a very difficult pregnancy but she did not gave up! and here I am! After me, sadly she lost another baby and her own life was on risk so my parents decided stop trying (because they had me).
My mum past away few months ago and I love her dearly not only for being my mum but mostly for not giving up and do everything she could to bring me to this world!
My life has always had a much more special meaning because of this, I know I am the lucky one and value the life in another way…
Please do NOT stop trying!
I will pray for you!
Begoña
PS: if you ever happen to be in Holland, let me know I would love to meet you!
You are so brave for sharing. I think that many people don’t realize how often women struggle with fertility. My mom struggled. Her and my dad tried for 13 years (3 before me and 10 after me) for kids. They got me, and just me. But here I am! However, my mom went through hell. She was poked and prodded and so many people said the wrong things to her left, right and center. She went through so much. Years of praying, trying, believing, not-believing, emotional stress, etc. I know I am not saying anything you don’t know, or anything that might be helpful, but I just wanted to share that I am grateful that my mom kept trying. 🙂
In the 10 years of infertility with 4 miscarriages, I heard every one of those list items. I winced just reading it remembering how much that struggle takes out of you. The worst for me was the “when you quit trying…” and I finally did quit. After trying every fertility treatment known to man, multiple doctors, and drowning in a sea of fertility information, nothing worked. I slowly moved on to acceptance and started building a new version of my life. I had long since stopped counting calendar days and then at 41 out of nowhere I was pregnant… and for the first time, stayed pregnant. There was a tiny piece of me still wanting to scream out “it’s not because I quit trying!!!!”. I did, but I got pregnant because some medical issues finally resolved themselves and because I was blessed and lucky I still had a random egg. Have faith in your personal strength of being able to get there with whatever version works best for you and your family. One thing I PROMISE is that once it happens, all these difficult, sad years instantly go away to a place that’s just part of your journey. Every time my daughter smiles I forget how hard it was to get her here – I’m just grateful every moment that she is.
I had the “I hate my kids” come from a family member, then they went onto have more kids while I struggled (still do) – it is very hard to not look at them and feel bitterness. But I try with all my might to rise above it and know that I have never thought that of my own child and never will because I know what a blessing she is.
I think so many times we hear someone’s struggles and automatically feel this pressure to fix it. I read a book called “I Don’t Have to Make Everything All Better” and it was so freeing for me. Basically, really listening to the person and saying, “I am so, so sorry and thank you for sharing that with me” takes care of about 80% of their needs at that time. Isn’t it hard to find someone who will just let you grieve and validate your feelings? Once that is done, the hurting person will find the strength to take your next step.
Maybe, maybe, depending on the depth of the relationship and after some time has passed, the friend can gently ask some questions, like “Have you thought about this?” But, moving straight into “This is what I do” or “God’s still in control” usually feels too fast and really insensitive.
My husband and I are coming up on our 2 year anniversary. We are 19 months into our journey for a child. I hesitate to open up about it because I know there are people who have been trying for years with no luck and I don’t want to offend anyone. We’ve only told close friends and our families. This month I was diagnosed with PCOS and put on Metformin and I am also on my second round of clomid. We have a good support system, and they really try to say the right things, but I think for most of them it’s hard to know what to say. So thank you for writing this post! Your strength through your journey is so inspiring!
I would add one thing to the list: casually talking about abortions or getting an abortion (“oh I couldn’t handle a disabled child…I would abort it”) or even just mild regret about it (“it just wasn’t the right time!”) like it’s as inconsequential as clipping fingernails. It makes me ill.
I found your blog today because your beautiful home caught my eye, but this post brought me to tears. My husband and I have been trying for almost 2 years for a baby. I have pcos and you are an inspiration. So so thankful I found your blog. May the Lord bless you in your journey. Thank you for sharing your story.
I agree with all of your points! You are super strong and I know how it helps to voice your frustrations through writing. You should totally inform people of their indiscretions – they have no idea.
I have two children now. My first one took 2.5 yrs of infertility due to “failure to ovulate”. Meanwhile everyone around me was getting pregnant. They would brag how it took them only one week to be pregnant. It was very depressing. But we kept on and on trying until we found success. I was then able to get pregnant more easily but had two miscarriages during the first 8-10 weeks. Three years later I was finally able to get through a pregnancy to have my second child. Such blessings! I love your blog. And don’t give up! XOXOXO
I came across your blog today through Pinterest today. I am so sorry that you are struggling with infertility. I will keep you in prayer.
If you have not heard of Napro, I would encourage you to find a Medical Consultant near you and make an appointment. I am not sure if you are in Michigan or North Carolina, but you can find someone near you here: https://www.fertilitycare.org. You can find Medical Consultants by region on the left side.
Blessings!
Keep trying and don’t stop. x
thank you for this. Having struggled with this for 7+years and 2 miscarriages later, it is the most difficult thing to go through. It especially difficult bc Im a therapist for young children so I get the “you are gonna be a wonderful mom!” Or “don’t stress! When you stop thinking about it, it’ll happen”. We try and be optimistic but until you deal with it every month feels like a rejection or failure on our part. Thanks for shedding some light on it
beautifully written. thank you for sharing in a sweet way. best of luck in your journey!
I think I’ve officially reached blog-stalker status, but I just can’t help it. Amen girl to #2 and 5 especially. I was actually just having this conversation with someone the other day. #2 drives me up the walls, and #5 always makes it sound like adoption is some kind of gateway to ‘real’ kids. I would love to adopt, I would be fine if all of our kids were through adoption. But that doesn’t take away the pain of infertility. Hugs and thanks for sharing this, so many people need to hear it.
Just stumbled onto your blog. And i love it! So well written and explained.
We’ve been in treatment for almost 4 years by now, without any results. So it is getting increasingly harder and harder to deal with the questions surrounding when and how.
Thank you for sharing a peek into the emotions of another infertile mind. Hugs and best of luck!
vidcommx review
Excellent blog post. I certainly appreciate this site. Stick with it!
Although the course is a short walk from the ocean, many ocean and marsh birds can be seen from the course, including
many bald eagles, pelicans, and egrets. The beautiful property is home to
two signature courses, along with the hotel’s plethora of accommodations,
dining options, and recreational facilities. From here you can choose some of the
best rounds of Florida golf on courses like
El Campeon, located in The Mission Inn Resort.
We checked into the Motel Six for the night, a good place to
stay because the rooms are clean and the rates are reasonable.
Some places will only be open to people who stay at certain resorts though, but these resorts can offer
some great features for those who golf there.
A very nice hotel, the Coral Sands has everything you need and want,
and it happened to be lunchtime, so we went and ate and then played golf the rest
of the day at Legends golf course, there are four golf courses here and all of the courses are awesome.