I just sat down on the sofa after a long day at the shop. It is so fun to work at our shop during the holidays. I get to be a part of everyone’s holiday season by helping them pick out gifts, hearing about their traditions, & just being a part of everyone’s Christmas cheer. I love it! I also get to be a sounding board for people who are dreading the holiday. Those that have suffered great loss & are feeling the impact of it as we get closer because of the constant reminders of the missing person in their lives. I love everyone’s presence from the overjoyed to the saddened because I feel like when they leave they leave with a little more joy after getting to chat with someone & do some fun shopping. After being blessed by everyone at the shop today as I drove home I realized that Christmas is only 4 days away & while my heart is filled with joy I am suddenly reminded in the craziness of the holidays of the huge loss we have suffered as a couple & just how different Christmas looks with a baby who would be almost 4 years old in heaven & 6 more that have followed that sweet baby.. all in heaven & all missed greatly here on earth.
Though I would love to title this post “Christmas while waiting for a baby”, I simply can’t because quite frankly I feel like to title it that it would imply that Jose and I were trying to grow our family. It’s been a year and a half since our last loss & we have never even talked about or stepped foot in a fertility office since then. Life has been so beautiful with the two of us, we are enjoying the honey moon phase going in our 10th year marriage, God has truly blessed us & we felt like a break was needed in our fertility journey. Remember when I told you guys that after each loss God makes something BIG happen in our life. Well, the store was born shortly after our 6th miscarriage & that has been a major life altering event. In the best way possible shortly after that God gave us our farm & our 1800’s fixer upper farmhouse. It’s been crazy here in the best way possibly & I’m so thankful. God always provides & always seems to bring us so much joy in every season of our lives. But Jose and I are labeled “childless” by earthly standards & that can feel strange, scary, & hopeless, when we have 7 babies in heaven that we wish so badly were here with us to celebrate this joyous season with. I can’t speak for everyone who is childless at Christmas during infertility struggles, but I can speak for us & maybe some can relate to how it feels to be childless during the holidays…
For me I have moments of loneliness. Not only because we wish so badly that our babies were here with us for all the festivities, but also that our peers and family would include us in during those festivities. During the holidays I feel like I’m on high alert for being sensitive & though they may not mean it, not being invited to the Christmas tree lighting or not being included in conversations simply because they are about kids can hurt deep. A simple comment can feel like a dagger when it’s pointing out the fact that you don’t have children during the holidays like “Oh, must be nice to be able to decorate your home for Christmas, can’t do that if you have kids.’ seems like a normal comment, but what someone is complaining about we are longing for. I’ve had many of these & I’m so thankful that I’m able to shake them off and forgive, but it does bring out the loneliness which seems deeper around the holidays.
How can quiet be so loud? At a time where we should be at preschool Christmas concerts & have kids on sugar highs running around the house screaming for Santa clause, we are [enjoying] peaceful nights snuggled on the couch watching cheesy Christmas movies & going on special dates among the holiday busyness. I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS TIME & I promise I’m not taking it for granted because Lord knows when we have children I will be savoring those moments even more, but it’s quiet & around the holidays that is a HUGE reminder of our loss. If you know me, I rarely ever slow down. I’m always busy with something whether it’s the store, fixing up our farmhouse, blogging, or just making something pretty, but when you slow down & the anxiety creeps in it can get very quiet.
This one is hard for me to type, because I hate that I feel this way, but sometimes I dread the holidays. I dread the thought that it will most likely be a reminder of the loss we have endured. I dread going to that holiday party where that one person says something that hurts. I dread being left out.I dread the thought that our babies are forgotten more and more every holiday season. I dread the thought of making others sad about our loss. I dread the tears that may or may not come. I dread the loneliness.I dread the quiet. The dread doesn’t come from being childless for me because there is too much joy in our lives to not trust in God’s plan for us, but the dread comes from the loss of our babies that should be here with us.
What an odd one to feel when the other feelings are not as positive. But if you have been following along on our fertility journey for any amount of time, I hope there is one thing you have picked up on… I choose to see the hope, the joy, & the beauty in it all. Being childless at Christmas isn’t the worst when you know your babies are in Heaven living the most perfect life, when you believe and trust that it’s all in God’s hands, when you know your life is exactly how He wants it, when you realize that most people don’t know they are hurting your with their words & actions, when you have a loving and supportive family, & when you know that one day you will have a little here on earth & that you need to enjoy every moment of your life in this moment because you will miss it. & by you, I mean me. I mean everyone that is childless not by choice this holiday season. There is hope & the holidays can bring out that hopeful feeling when you are celebrating the true meaning of the season, when you realize how much there is to be thankful for, & when you look for it their is always joy.
On this fourth year our infertility journey and after so many losses it would be easy to be discouraged & to completely check out during the holidays, but I know this is God’s plan for us. I am so thankful that, though this is not the journey I ever thought we would be on, that I get to do it all with my best friend by my side. I sat down tonight not knowing what I was going to say on here, but I guess I know that you guys have been on this journey with us since day one & I know a lot of you in one way or another are in the same boat as we are. Maybe your struggle doesn’t look like ours, maybe it’s way different, but I never want you to feel like you are alone, especially during the holidays. I pray you feel more positivity and hope this season & that the other negative feelings fall away with the joy of the season. Thank you guys for always lifting our spirits & always making our journey a little easier. & as always, thank you for stopping by & supporting this little blog of mine. xx
Something I wrote last Christmas about infertility around the holidays…
Read about Christmas after miscarriage [HERE]
photos by Tifani Lyn Photography.