Wow. 10 years of marriage today. Funny because in a way it feels like we are still on our honeymoon & in another way it feels like it’s been a lifetime. We’ve been through military life, deployments, living 17 hours from home for 8 years, 7 years of infertility, miscarriages, 7 babies in heaven, lots of moves, opening a store, & finally ending up at our farm after all that. I still feel like the 15 year old girl who walked down the stairs at a friend’s house and saw him for the first time & instantly knew he was the one. But I also feel like the 29 year old woman who after 13 years of being his and 10 years of marriage has so much deep love that he feels like literally a part of me. Marriage is the most wonderful thing when you get to be married to your best friend. I still thank God for him every single day in every single prayer I pray & I will until our time is up here… I could never tell him how much I love him, but I hope he feels it every single day.
10 years… it still doesn’t feel real. But when I really sit back and think about it those 10 years feel more real. As I looked In the backseat of our jeep on our way up to northern Michigan for a weekend anniversary getaway today & saw it complelty empty my heart stopped. I think we stay so busy with work & life that I never sit back and really think that it’s been 10 years of marriage, a decade, 7 years of infertility, and 7 babies in heaven, with no baby in our back seat. Tears filled my eyes as we drove & I didn’t want to ruin the moment because Jose and I were just singing at the top of our lungs and laughing, but then it happened… I looked out the window as the tears were rolling down my face & all the sudden after miles of driving by millions of trees on the highway there were a clump of trees together with signs on them that said “God is good” & other things like that. What?!? I mean, if there was ever a sign from God that He is in control & that His plan is perfect. God wants that backseat empty right now as He is filling up other area of our lives.
On one hand I feel so blessed to just be the two of us and being able to be with each other & nurture our relationship daily, get us time, be able to work on our dreams with total focus, & have every day be time for us as best friends to grow deeper in love & prepare for future babies. But on the other hand we have the desire to be parents especially after 10 years of marriage and so many losses that I’m not going to lie 10 years feels like a lot. It feels like a decade of waiting for Gods promise to come to fruition & it makes me, as a human, doubt that I was ever meant to be a mom here on earth. I know that’s bad and a sad thought to think, but it’s true and I never want to sugar coat things for you guys. As we approached 10 years of marriage I’ve been having darker days.. not because of the milestone of marriage, but the milestone of 7 years of infertility. It’s exhausting especially when you have no answers, no clear path, and when some days I feel like no one understands what we are going through you feel like you have no support system. The comments about us not having kids, the insensitivity, the unkindness that comes from people who don’t understand… it is exhausting to be strong and brave all the time. So the anxiety, anger, depression, & loneliness has been more than it ever has been lately, but I know that it won’t always be like this & that’s what keeps me going.
I thought I would come on here to say something profound today on our 10 year anniversary with no kids here on earth and to give you advice on how it is, but I think all I can do today is share my honest heart with you all. Because really if you sit back and look, this is one beautiful life. We all have trials, hurdles, anxieties, and stresses & by golly that’s normal. All I can say is that I’m so thankful that I’m married to a man who tells me daily that “if it were just us two for the rest of our lives he would be the happiest man alive & if we get the gift of children he will also be the happiest man alive as longs as we see together.” That statement brings me so much peace because it doesn’t make me feel like a failure or not enough. I’m thankful that after 7 years we have started seeing a naturopathic doctor who I feel like we art starting to make progress with. I’m thankful that we have way more good days than bad days. Im thankful for “us” time that I will never take for granted. Im thankful for the bounty of blessings God has given us through our season of waiting. I’m thankful for family, the farm, our store, & I’m thankful for you guys… supporting, loving, & truly caring about us through this journey we are on. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I don’t know where I would be on this fertility journey without you guys sharing your stories, your hope, and your encouragement.. thank you! So here we are 10 years of marriages & no kids her on earth… I’m still filled with hope today & ready to see God’s plan unfold. I hope that whatever you are going through that you don’t feel alone, empty, sad, scared, or stuck… I hope you know this is just a season & that there is beauty among this mess. & I truly hope you see that beauty. Xx