You know when someone says to you… “It will be worth the wait.”? Yah, not always what you want to hear.. I mean hardly ever do you want to hear that. Sometimes it feels like they are comparing their wait to yours and telling you that they completely understand what you are feeling and going through.. when they don’t. All of our waits, wants, & weariness looks different. Other times it feels like they are just saying it to say it.. like it’s in this index of things to say to sad people who are battling a long wait, so the words feel empty & unnecessary. My wait time seems like some private painful thing that I don’t want anyone comparing to or trying to resinate with. It’s mine & I don’t want anyone to tell me how to feel about it… I know some of you can relate to this & we all have had to have our own waiting time at some point in our life, but today as someone who has waited her fair share of years for a baby, who has endured so much loss, & who has heard all of those lines that are supposed to comfort us… I know in my heart forever that the struggle is going to be worth the wait & a beautiful part of the story…
It’s not beautiful right now. It’s depression, it’s loneliness, it’s loss, it’s heartache, it’s pain, it’s everything that I never thought I would ever go through. It’s watching everyone get pregnant around you & feeling tossed aside. It’s a struggle to get out of bed, a struggle to try and be happy, it’s a struggle to trust God through it all. It’s crazy to think that all of these struggles right now to grow our family will someday be looked back on in a beautiful light when it’s under such an ugly microscope right now. How can this struggle ever be beautiful? How will we ever appreciate this struggle. How will this struggle ever be worth the wait that is said in that horrible cliche of a wannabe comforting line?
The struggle will be beautiful when we see the Lord’s sweet plan. When we see his fulfilled promise whatever that may look like. When we get to hold a sweet baby and call them ours, when God reveals why we struggled for so long, when God shows why our struggle was so hard. I know this struggle is just a part of our story. The years, months, days, hours, minutes, & seconds of infertility it’s a part of the story. The seven babies we had to say goodbye to too soon we know we will get to meet someday & their loss was a part of the struggle. All of the fertility treatments, doctor visits, tears, pain, & fear… all a part of the struggle that will one day be beautiful. The struggle will be worth the wait when we see why we had to wait. You know how many times I have heard a beautiful new momma who has struggled to have a baby say, “I now know why God made us wait.” It’s that moment.. that moment of looking into her childs face that she sees God’s beautiful promise & why that struggle was such a beautiful part of her story. Not all of us are waiting for babies or struggling with infertility, but we are waiting for God’s promise & all of our struggles look different whether big or small. through all of it God is writing our big story & through all of it we can be rest assured that we will look into the face of God’s promise whatever that may look like someday & know why we waited & be thankful for that wait & that struggle.
I would love to say that I handle my wait with grace. I would love to, but I can’t without lying. I get angry.. I get sad.. I get weary… & I want to give up. I’m a big mess most of the time & don’t wash my hair days when when I’m in a bad spot & I don’t want to get ready for the day & face my responsibilities. The doubt fills my mind & I just want to throw my hands up & stop believing in that promise. When the doubt sets in that is when I remind myself of all of the hopeful stories I have witnesses, the miracles I have seen, & the words God has given us… “commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, & He shall bring it to pass.” Psalm 37:5 & “when we take delight in the Lord He will give us the desires of our heart.” Psalm 37:4. The struggle is now. The struggle is here. We are in the struggle. What is coming is worth the wait. & this struggle is just a little part of that wait. During this struggle I am reminded to be humbled, to learn, to worship God in the highs & the lows, to know that God will bring us through it, to know when we get to delight in God’s promise I want to look back at this time of our struggle and be proud of who we were in the struggle & who the struggle made us. I hope you know that your wait isn’t in vain & that though I don’t know the magnitude of your wait & you don’t know mine, that your wait is a huge part of the beautiful story that God is writing for you. It will be worth it. He will show his plan to you even though it isn’t our plan. & one day we will look at this wait & this struggle in a whole new light. Keep your eyes on the light & be the light through your struggle even on the days it seems impossible to even glimmer in the darkness. God’s promise is more than worth the wait & the struggle… one day we will see. Thank you guys for being a part of my fertility journey & I hope in some small way I can help you on your fertility journey even if to just tell you that you are not alone. You can read more about our fertility journey [HERE]. Thank you for stopping by the blog today & everyday to see what we are up to.