You know when someone says to you… “It will be worth the wait.”? Yah, not always what you want to hear.. I mean hardly ever do you want to hear that. Sometimes it feels like they are comparing their wait to yours and telling you that they completely understand what you are feeling and going through.. when they don’t. All of our waits, wants, & weariness looks different. Other times it feels like they are just saying it to say it.. like it’s in this index of things to say to sad people who are battling a long wait, so the words feel empty & unnecessary. My wait time seems like some private painful thing that I don’t want anyone comparing to or trying to resinate with. It’s mine & I don’t want anyone to tell me how to feel about it… I know some of you can relate to this & we all have had to have our own waiting time at some point in our life, but today as someone who has waited her fair share of years for a baby, who has endured so much loss, & who has heard all of those lines that are supposed to comfort us… I know in my heart forever that the struggle is going to be worth the wait & a beautiful part of the story…
It’s not beautiful right now. It’s depression, it’s loneliness, it’s loss, it’s heartache, it’s pain, it’s everything that I never thought I would ever go through. It’s watching everyone get pregnant around you & feeling tossed aside. It’s a struggle to get out of bed, a struggle to try and be happy, it’s a struggle to trust God through it all. It’s crazy to think that all of these struggles right now to grow our family will someday be looked back on in a beautiful light when it’s under such an ugly microscope right now. How can this struggle ever be beautiful? How will we ever appreciate this struggle. How will this struggle ever be worth the wait that is said in that horrible cliche of a wannabe comforting line?
The struggle will be beautiful when we see the Lord’s sweet plan. When we see his fulfilled promise whatever that may look like. When we get to hold a sweet baby and call them ours, when God reveals why we struggled for so long, when God shows why our struggle was so hard. I know this struggle is just a part of our story. The years, months, days, hours, minutes, & seconds of infertility it’s a part of the story. The seven babies we had to say goodbye to too soon we know we will get to meet someday & their loss was a part of the struggle. All of the fertility treatments, doctor visits, tears, pain, & fear… all a part of the struggle that will one day be beautiful. The struggle will be worth the wait when we see why we had to wait. You know how many times I have heard a beautiful new momma who has struggled to have a baby say, “I now know why God made us wait.” It’s that moment.. that moment of looking into her childs face that she sees God’s beautiful promise & why that struggle was such a beautiful part of her story. Not all of us are waiting for babies or struggling with infertility, but we are waiting for God’s promise & all of our struggles look different whether big or small. through all of it God is writing our big story & through all of it we can be rest assured that we will look into the face of God’s promise whatever that may look like someday & know why we waited & be thankful for that wait & that struggle.
I would love to say that I handle my wait with grace. I would love to, but I can’t without lying. I get angry.. I get sad.. I get weary… & I want to give up. I’m a big mess most of the time & don’t wash my hair days when when I’m in a bad spot & I don’t want to get ready for the day & face my responsibilities. The doubt fills my mind & I just want to throw my hands up & stop believing in that promise. When the doubt sets in that is when I remind myself of all of the hopeful stories I have witnesses, the miracles I have seen, & the words God has given us… “commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, & He shall bring it to pass.” Psalm 37:5 & “when we take delight in the Lord He will give us the desires of our heart.” Psalm 37:4. The struggle is now. The struggle is here. We are in the struggle. What is coming is worth the wait. & this struggle is just a little part of that wait. During this struggle I am reminded to be humbled, to learn, to worship God in the highs & the lows, to know that God will bring us through it, to know when we get to delight in God’s promise I want to look back at this time of our struggle and be proud of who we were in the struggle & who the struggle made us. I hope you know that your wait isn’t in vain & that though I don’t know the magnitude of your wait & you don’t know mine, that your wait is a huge part of the beautiful story that God is writing for you. It will be worth it. He will show his plan to you even though it isn’t our plan. & one day we will look at this wait & this struggle in a whole new light. Keep your eyes on the light & be the light through your struggle even on the days it seems impossible to even glimmer in the darkness. God’s promise is more than worth the wait & the struggle… one day we will see. Thank you guys for being a part of my fertility journey & I hope in some small way I can help you on your fertility journey even if to just tell you that you are not alone. You can read more about our fertility journey [HERE]. Thank you for stopping by the blog today & everyday to see what we are up to.
Thank you for always being open and sharing your story, every time you do it resonates with me. I so struggle with abiding in peace that God has a plan, and wanting to just give up hope so the struggle will end. I pray that God will give us all strength and that sharing will help us grow closer to Him.
You and Jose are in my prayers. There’s no words to make your story better or to “fix” it. God is good. Our faith is good. His love is good. His kingdom is good.
This life is hard and imperfect. This world is broken. Our genetics are a mess (still feel like I have a bone to pick with Eve when I get to heaven) gah, that girl! ?? #throatpunch
Your story is a story. Even in its sadness and pain. Your babies are celebrating you and your strength in heaven. And while it’s hard here on earth {no matter the outcome} your riches are waiting. And will be worth it. I know that doesn’t take the pain or make it better, and everyone’s story is different. But you are on my heart and in my prayers more often (than is probably normal) to share. I pray for happiness in the form a sweet precious baby for you! But if that’s not in this life, I pray for comfort and peace and calming in all the “mess” that is this life. And in all your struggles it is MORE than encouraging to see you and your husband pull together when so many in this situation pull astray. May the Lord bless you! In his timing. -in my thought and prayers.
Once again I sit back in awe and read one of your heartfelt emotionally raw posts and Whilst I understand depression as I live with it myself, that journey in itself is different for us all for so many reasons but your story hits me in my stomach and just makes me want to reach out as I have no doubt many others do and just say there are hands invisible hands just standing holding yours not asking questions not offering answers just standing in quiet mindfulness and holding your hand, I won’t understand your struggle but I can quietly in my own space let you know that there many of us quietly holding your hand. Just stay true to you and sometimes it’s okay to say to those who say what they think is the right thing but at that moment is not what you want to hear “hey, not cool and not what I want to hear” sometimes it’s okay xx
Rooting and praying for you, your health, your happiness, your success. ❤️
No words….just sitting here listening and loving you. Just like I would if we were together for coffee and cocoa this morning, friend. LOVE YOU and lifting you up in prayer now.
Sending love and prayers your way. Thank you for sharing your heart. I think you are absolutely amazing. ?
Hi Lizmarie, I feel the need to share the story of my friends. I make it brief, at the age of 36 she and her husband decided to adopt after not ever getting pregnant. They adopted a girl age 13, a couple years later adopted a boy he was 10 years old. Move ahead 10 years and my friends became grandparents for the first time, then a miracle happened and she became pregnant! Yes at the age of 46, the baby she had is now 16. Amazing things can happen, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending hugs and comforting prayers your way. My journey was different than yours, and you are handling yours with more faith and grace than I was capable of at that time. I don’t know that I can look back on my struggle as beautiful, but I don’t regret it now, because of where I am. Deuteronomy 31:8 has hung on my fridge for years, it reminds me, we are never alone. ❤
Thank you for being so open about you fertility journey! I too am going through infertility issues right now. I am 38 years old and just finished my second round of fertility treatments that have not worked for us. Even though our stories are different I can so relate to all the feelings you are having. I find myself not wanting anyone to know what my husband and I are going through because I don’t want the comments people make. I know people are just trying to be supportive but it just kills me. I also find myself not wanting to get dressed in the morning or put on makeup or do my hair. I have started to become an introvert and i just do not want to be around other people. This post has really helped me to remember that i need to not be so hard on myself and leave it in God’s hands and he will give us a baby when it is our time. Your openness with your feelings and your journey has helped me so many times. Your earlier post about being set apart helped me so much. I too could never put it into words how infertility made me feel till i saw that post. I really do thank you and pray for both of our journeys!
Liz, I love how raw and real you are, and though there is nothing anyone can ever say to make everything better just know that you are inspiring. You are teaching women it’s ok to be real, to have anger, to show depression, to say what they really feel and though your struggle is yours and theirs and theirs and mine is mine we are all in this crazy, messed up, but “full of fate” life together. You might sometimes feel alone but you never are. You are strong. And though you might sometimes feel that you aren’t, this whole experience will make you stronger than you ever have been and when your gift you’ve been waiting for finally arrives, you will be ready for anything.
Thank you so much for writing this blog. Your timing could not be more perfect! It is just want I needed to hear at just the right time. We have been “waiting” for 8 years and have 1 baby in heaven. We just got inseminated one week ago and are in the waiting stage to find out if all went well. I find myself already beating myself up emotionally if it doesn’t “take” or if I miscarry. I know it’s out of my control and not my fault if that were to happen but it’s just hard not to try and mentally prepare yourself for the worst. Today your beautiful words were the perfect reminder to keep my eyes on the light and that no matter what everything will work out how God’s planned it. Thank you again for sharing so much of yourself and your story to help us all not feel alone in “waiting”. My prayers are with you and Jose always.
I’m so grateful that you’re sharing your story and making all of us struggling with infertility feel like we’re not alone. I couldn’t have needed this post more this morning, as I’m sitting in a waiting room at yet another RE appointment.
I’m right there with you trying to find meaning and hope in this period of waiting. Praying for you & hoping 2018 is our year!! ❤️
My heart is grieving with you. I pray the still, small voice of God is resonating with your soul.
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/13088655152106338/
Thank you for speaking about infertility so openly. My son and daughter in law are going through this. She found out she is in menopause at the age of 26. It is hard for both of them, and as their Mom/Mother inlaw it is hard to know what to say. I have always said the Lord has a plan for you. But, it is hard to see this struggle for them. Prayers to you and all the parents that struggles with infertility and thank you for sharing your story.
It is wonderful that you were sharing your struggles for others to learn and know that they’re not alone. I have been where you have been and know the pain and the feels like the wair like you say will never be over. I know that everyone story unfolds in a different way but I will share a small bit of mine that was life-changing. The stress of infertility can be hard so. We had done IVF multiple times, 6 miscarrages. We also just started the journey of adoption while still trying. I decided to get a massage one day I was laying on the table facedown waiting for the massage therapist and for some reason I decided to say a prayer but my prayer was actually saying out loud in a room something directly to God. I said I know you have guided me so far and that you handle things in your own way but I have been broken to the point where I release everything to you I trust you completely and I will follow your lead everything to you I trusted you completely and I will follow your lead. I felt a sense of relief as I walked out of that massage not only because of the massage my heart felt light for the first time in years I thought that was a blessing in itself. However I had no idea what he was doing . The next morning we got a call that a baby girl was born and the mother had picked us to be her parents she was born at the same time I was in my massage appointment I can say nothing but it was divine intervention I truly believe that it was speaking the words that I trust in him and I release everything to him made it all happen. Well it might not be that fast or adoption might not be the way you become a family but just know that you are not alone and your faith in God will get you through.
I will pray for you and your family.
My niece had tried for years to get pregnant, with one unsuccessful ivf treatment. Her mother, my sister, worked with a teacher that was going through IVF. She told my sister, that she was going to Shady Grove Fertility in Maryland. My other sister worked with a woman that her daughter attended the same clinic and had gotten pregnant. To make a long story short and after talking with her doctor about this clinic, my niece made a appointment and got pregnant! She has a healthy, beautiful 6 month little girl. She used the quarantee programs where you pay one time and have multiple tries. The teacher that my sister worked with did finally get pregnant and has finally been able to carry a pregnancy, after miscarrying multiple times. Please look them up and if you would like I can have my niece tell you her experience with them ? She recommends them to everyone. I don’t know if you want to go this route and if I am overstepping my bounds, but I wanted you to know about this place.
I want to say thank you for being so brave to share your story! I suffered a miscarriage last October, which left me feeling alone and empty. Reading your posts and watching your Instagram stories, I see how real and positive you are, and I thank you because that has helped me stay positive and hopeful in my journey. You are a true inspiration to so many women!! Thank you too for opening up your home and sharing your beautiful creativity with the world!
This speaks to me so much. This waiting thing is for the birds and its so hard to be patient. After 5 years of trying, I find myself in the same boat. Hoping you dont have to wait much longer ❤
Have you heard this song
by Kristine DiMarco? (Linked YouTube video at the end). i read your last infertility update and then got into my car and turned on Pandora and this came on. I was brought to my knees in that moment to pray for you, for your heart and Jose’s heart, for your babies in Heaven and babies to come, and for God to reveal Himself fully in your waiting. Praying now for renewed encouragement and Big Huge Hugs to y’all! https ://g.co/kgs/XMnS6y
A good friend of mine referred me to your blog, specifically this blog post, today. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since July 2016. I got pregnant once during this time (late 2016), but that ended in a miscarriage (early 2017). Thank you for posting this and putting into words how I feel as well as providing a reminder to have faith in God’s timing.
What a beautiful post, while everyone’s struggles are different the message you wrote is relevant for everyone who has had a deep struggle. The hurt, the anger, the depression, the loneliness…the messiness of waiting while clinging to hope. You are not alone. ❤️
When I read this, I thought if a quote that meant so much to me as I struggled and ached through my own miscarriages, “One day we will see One day, the arc of our stories will all make perfect sense. One day, we will trace the lines of our scars and find them to have fallen in the most pleasant of places, to see in them our great inheritance. One day, we won’t need to hope, nor will we need to be healed because we will be face-to-face with the source of both, the source of everything…Jesus. And in the glory of His face, the darkest suffering and loss we have endured will fade like shadows at daybreak”-Jay Wolfe, Hope Heals. My heart hurts for you so bad and I know nothing can take away that pain.
Liz,I enjoyed reading your posts and especially the ones on infertility. Because it touches my heart we also went thro Year’s of infertility . I like your positive attitude. May God give you the strength and courage to continue on this difficult journey. We r celebrated 20year anniversary. He has blessed us with 6 amazing children all thro the miracle of adoption. Adoption is dear to our hearts. Keep on keeping on..
My sister struggled to have a baby for the longest time..I felt so guilty starting my own family. My heart broke for her, and then one day her miracle happened. I have the most amazing nephew now, and we are finally able to build a relationship (as she just couldn’t understand before, why her and not me). There are still struggles in everyone’s lives whether it be this or that, and faith truly is the only way to bring yourself through it all. I pray your journey comes to a beautiful end soon. Of course, we must remember to our Lord a day is a thousand years, and a thousand years is a day. All in His time? God bless you and Jose
Have you considered trauma therapy? I am a chaplain for first responders and I know the heartache of trauma from personal experience. EMDR (google it) is a valid technique to help resolve the a lot of the emotional pain of trauma. You and your husband are beautiful, faithful, creative and hardworking people. God does not want you to suffer and he created doctors that can help you with some of this. Try one or two sessions – it’s not an endless therapy hamster wheel, but is there when the pain surfaces and when you need it.
Wow. Just wow. The continuous example you are is just amazing.
Thank you for sharing your story, You are in my prays. May god bless you with an angel.
So glad you keep sharing Liz Marie. It is helping you and others. God has a beautiful plan for you! ♡ Mel