This feels weird today. Weird because 6 years ago on Mother’s day I opened up [HERE] about our first miscarriage and our battle with infertility. It’s funny looking back at 24 year old me and how I had no idea then what the journey would look like. How ugly it would be, how dark it would get, how I would go on to lose at least 6 more babies, & how at the age of 30 I would be sitting here writing about another mothers day upon us with all of my babies in heaven. That’s pretty heavy to think about, but it also makes me think of older Liz & what she will think looking back on 30 year old Liz writing this post a few years from now…
You see there are days when this journey just pushes me flat on my face. Like can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t function, & I just can’t imagine it ever getting better. One of those days always seems to come around mothers day. Mother’s day… the one day a year where you can’t ignore the celebration of motherhood. The question always lingers in my mind.. do I celebrate our babies in heaven? The seven times I carried a child only to lose them before we hit the second trimester? Do I ignore the day? Am I making anyone else uncomfortable by celebrating or acknowledging our children in heaven? Are people pitying me? Should I be happy? Sad? Mad? The questions go on and on in my head as the day approaches. Last year Jose and I took the day to ourselves here on the farm and planted a bunch of seeds on that hot & sunny day that went on to flourish into the largest sunflowers I had ever seen and the biggest pumpkin crop I could ever imagine for that small garden we had. It was memorable & a great symbolism to this whole journey. On a day I could lay on the sofa crying all day & avoiding my phone, we planted beautiful things & watched them bloom for the months to come. When we are told that we are strong or that we handle this journey with Grace I first like to say it’s all because of God & the prayers from those who love and support us. & then I like to think and say that I have learned through many hardships and low points on this journey that looking back I realize how much beauty is in those dark places & how much joy was among those hard times. I don’t want to look back someday & wish that I had found the beauty in it all or enjoyed the ride while I was there. I want future Liz holding her child to be proud of who she was at her lowest lows & to be empowered while raising her child by looking back at the strength she held during those low points. I want to someday, when I inevitably hit another bump in the road, to be fueled by these infertility & miscarriage struggles knowing I can get through the worst. Let your struggles be your fuel. Hone into those big winds & bunker down allowing it to mold you into a stronger, wiser, & deeper person than you were before. So when I’m told I handle this journey with grace it’s only because I’ve truly never allowed this journey to get the best of me… I’ve made the best of it.
So, just as I am reflecting on the young girl I was so many years ago on this mothers day weekend, who decided to be bold and share her story online with others… I want to thank that girl because it has opened so many doors, introduced me to so many women on the same journey, turned into a form of therapy, & truly left me feeling like this infertility journey has a purpose and a meaning to it all. I want to continue this trend of looking back at myself at every point of this journey and be proud of me. But on that note , I have to humbly admit that there are horrible days, dark days, days filled with anxiety, & quite frankly more days than I would like to say that I’m not proud of me or how I handled that day. But you know what? That’s the beauty of this life & all of our struggles.. we learn from them, we grow from them, & we can decide how we want them to shape our lives. I’m choosing to let the struggle of losing those sweet babies of ours be part of my story and my legacy. I’m choosing to blossom from that dark dirt & to bloom into something wonderful one day that I can hopefully make myself proud of. On this mothers day whether you are grieving from a loss of a child, a loss of a mother, a heartache, a disappointment, an illness, a tragedy, & other low point in life that you are going through I hope that though it will be hard you choose to bloom, to flourish, to plant your strong roots, & to withstand the ugly weather through these hard times because you will look back and be able to be proud & thankful that you lived with grace through this trying part of your life. Love you guys… I hope that by sharing our journey I can help you with yours whatever that may be. Happy Mothers Day to all of the moms out there grieving or not… you are wonderful! xx Ps. You can read more about our fertility journey [HERE]… Have any questions for me? Find me on Instagram & Facebook to chat.