This feels weird today. Weird because 6 years ago on Mother’s day I opened up [HERE] about our first miscarriage and our battle with infertility. It’s funny looking back at 24 year old me and how I had no idea then what the journey would look like. How ugly it would be, how dark it would get, how I would go on to lose at least 6 more babies, & how at the age of 30 I would be sitting here writing about another mothers day upon us with all of my babies in heaven. That’s pretty heavy to think about, but it also makes me think of older Liz & what she will think looking back on 30 year old Liz writing this post a few years from now…
You see there are days when this journey just pushes me flat on my face. Like can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t function, & I just can’t imagine it ever getting better. One of those days always seems to come around mothers day. Mother’s day… the one day a year where you can’t ignore the celebration of motherhood. The question always lingers in my mind.. do I celebrate our babies in heaven? The seven times I carried a child only to lose them before we hit the second trimester? Do I ignore the day? Am I making anyone else uncomfortable by celebrating or acknowledging our children in heaven? Are people pitying me? Should I be happy? Sad? Mad? The questions go on and on in my head as the day approaches. Last year Jose and I took the day to ourselves here on the farm and planted a bunch of seeds on that hot & sunny day that went on to flourish into the largest sunflowers I had ever seen and the biggest pumpkin crop I could ever imagine for that small garden we had. It was memorable & a great symbolism to this whole journey. On a day I could lay on the sofa crying all day & avoiding my phone, we planted beautiful things & watched them bloom for the months to come. When we are told that we are strong or that we handle this journey with Grace I first like to say it’s all because of God & the prayers from those who love and support us. & then I like to think and say that I have learned through many hardships and low points on this journey that looking back I realize how much beauty is in those dark places & how much joy was among those hard times. I don’t want to look back someday & wish that I had found the beauty in it all or enjoyed the ride while I was there. I want future Liz holding her child to be proud of who she was at her lowest lows & to be empowered while raising her child by looking back at the strength she held during those low points. I want to someday, when I inevitably hit another bump in the road, to be fueled by these infertility & miscarriage struggles knowing I can get through the worst. Let your struggles be your fuel. Hone into those big winds & bunker down allowing it to mold you into a stronger, wiser, & deeper person than you were before. So when I’m told I handle this journey with grace it’s only because I’ve truly never allowed this journey to get the best of me… I’ve made the best of it.
So, just as I am reflecting on the young girl I was so many years ago on this mothers day weekend, who decided to be bold and share her story online with others… I want to thank that girl because it has opened so many doors, introduced me to so many women on the same journey, turned into a form of therapy, & truly left me feeling like this infertility journey has a purpose and a meaning to it all. I want to continue this trend of looking back at myself at every point of this journey and be proud of me. But on that note , I have to humbly admit that there are horrible days, dark days, days filled with anxiety, & quite frankly more days than I would like to say that I’m not proud of me or how I handled that day. But you know what? That’s the beauty of this life & all of our struggles.. we learn from them, we grow from them, & we can decide how we want them to shape our lives. I’m choosing to let the struggle of losing those sweet babies of ours be part of my story and my legacy. I’m choosing to blossom from that dark dirt & to bloom into something wonderful one day that I can hopefully make myself proud of. On this mothers day whether you are grieving from a loss of a child, a loss of a mother, a heartache, a disappointment, an illness, a tragedy, & other low point in life that you are going through I hope that though it will be hard you choose to bloom, to flourish, to plant your strong roots, & to withstand the ugly weather through these hard times because you will look back and be able to be proud & thankful that you lived with grace through this trying part of your life. Love you guys… I hope that by sharing our journey I can help you with yours whatever that may be. Happy Mothers Day to all of the moms out there grieving or not… you are wonderful! xx Ps. You can read more about our fertility journey [HERE]… Have any questions for me? Find me on Instagram & Facebook to chat.
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Liz, I celebrate your motherhood, and applaud your honesty and openness. It is so hard to walk through loss and keep your faith and not allow grief to bury you. I pray that Mother’s Day will be gentle for you and you will feel His peace which passes all understanding.
I read your blog every so often as we have something in common. I am also 30 and have been dealing with infertility for 10+ years. I am not the type to comment on blogs but I want to share with you my latest findings that I have been praying about and God has shown me. Your health and fertility starts in your gut!! If your gut is not working right your hormones won’t be. Which adds a list of problems! I highly recommend you go to thewholejourney.com and read her info on fertility. Also Draxe.com is very informative. A baby does not want to live in an inflamed stressed out body. I have been on a gut healing diet and every month feel improvement. Breakouts miminzed! Mood improved! Light at the end of the tunnel! It is God’s will that we would be “fruitful and multiply”. Don’t give up and seek His ways and ask for peace! I hope this is of some help, infertility is not easy:(
LIz,
I have recently discovered your blog and love every bit! I absolutely love all of the white décor! I too struggled with infertility issues and had several miscarriages. It is a pain you feel so alone with. I went on to have two beautiful girls now 11 and 8. I had to take progesterone during the 1st trimester of both pregnancies to be able to carry them. I am so sorry you are having to deal with the pain of this and I pray that someday you will be able to look at infertility as the past as I am able to now. I hope you have a beautiful Mother’s day with your mom.
Liz, I will pray for you and Jose. God has his plan for you. Sometimes it is difficult to understand but you will know the answer in the end of this journey. Keep the Faith and God will show his grace.
Love from Nashville,
joanne
Hey Liz, I love following your story and how openly you share your heart. Last year was a REALLY hard year for me. For a couple years my feet had been having odd pains. It got so bad I couldn’t walk and had to use a mobility scooter (at age 38!). Years of doctor visits and painful tests gave no answers. I had nerve tests using needles and electric shocks and had holes drilled into my feet and legs to take samples. 🙁
Then a year ago a doctor put me on a medicine called Gabapentin (or Neurontin) that gave me unbearable side effects! I couldn’t walk, my heart rate was crazy and erratic, I was in the ER twice and in terrible pain. I felt like I was dying. I found myself missing my “normal” life so much. My husband and daughters could only watch as I struggled through horrible depression and hopelessness. It was HUGE challenge to my faith. Why had God allowed this? One day I was on my knees sobbing and begging him to please heal me.
I found a book that was AMAZING and helpful to me called “Hope When It Hurts” by Kristen Wetherell and Sarah Walton. I recommend it to ANYONE, but especially people who are suffering through something and wondering why. It’s been about 5 months since my last heart episode, and my feet are good enough most days that I can get around without pain. I have no idea how they have miraculously gotten better, but I am so grateful! And now I have a new empathy for people in pain and people in mobility scooters. Maybe that was God’s plan? I don’t know for sure, but I’m learning to trust Him. Prayers for you and your journey! <3
So many beautiful babies out there that need you! I hope you and Jose’ find strength in that. We are adopting soon and while I have had two biologically there is something to be said about His mighty hand in adoption. Prayers for you this weekend but hopeful thoughts of the future!
I’m finding myself crying while I read about your journey. My 32 year old beautiful daughter has 2 babies in heaven. She lost one of her fallopian tubes a couple of months ago. Emergency surgery. I want you to know that I feel deep in my heart and soul that you and my daughter will be mommies to babies on this earth, and the babies in heaven are your guardian angels. Liz, I think you’re very special and I’m grateful that you share with all of us who are lucky to have found you.
Liz – you are so strong and you should absolutely celebrate your sweet babies! Praying you feel honored this Mothers Day! Happy Mother’s Day Liz! Also if you had a small package come through from Fort Worth Texas in your PO Box please open it 🙂 its for Mother’s Day and I hope it brightens your weekend!
Mother’s Day!! I too, have been reflecting on when I was a young girl. When I was a inexperienced newlywed, I planted hundreds of annuals because I demanded instant color and a garden NOW.
Life had a way of changing my planting scheme. I had one son at age sixteen and another at age 21. At age 25 and age 27, I lost two sons in my second trimesters. Then, I had to have an emergency total hysterectomy at age 28. I often reflected on my losses over the years and thought about what those two would have grown up to become.
Eventually, I learned that the most beautiful gardens take time and lots of work and patience, Now, I am my future self and thank God that I became a perennial; resilient, strong and blooming in the perfect garden (my fifty year marriage). May God grant you the strength and resiliency to become a beautiful perennial in the perfect garden.
I needed this. Thank you. Also, you’re crazy talented. Bless you, girl!
I have followed your blog and Instagram for some time now, at first because I loved your home decor style. Then I started to read your blogs and I admired the bravery it takes to share your story with the world. Little did I know I would also struggle with infertility, I lost my first baby two weeks ago, lost one of my tubes, and was told we would probably never be able to conceive naturally. For the past week I have been dreading Mother’s Day and the emptiness I will feel on Sunday. Your post has given me a new sense of strength and a fresh perspective. Thank you for sharing your journey, it truely is an inspiration to others.
Liz, thank you so much for sharing your journey and your perspective on mother’s day and all your babies in heaven. Celebrate that you are a mother even though you don’t have those babies in your arms. I struggled with infertility for probably 10 years and lost 5 babies. It was heart wrenching! I often called it the roller coaster of hope and despair! I prayed that god would help heal my broken heart and help me come to acceptance no matter what the outcome. Finally, came the day that I surrendered, the clouds lifted and I was no longer focused on becoming a mom. It was the hardes journey of my life and every mother’s day Was so painful. I couldn’t attend baby showers because it was too painful. I was happy for my friends and sent gifts but it just was too painful. We thought abut adoption and becoming a foster parent but at that point I just couldn’t endure another loss. I hope you and Jose do have a family. I also pray that you have some peace on this mother’s day. It’s a difficult journey for those that go through this. Looking back, I wish I would have tried IVF. I did take fertility shots and progesterone but had blocked tubes. Celebrate mother’s day This weekend because you are a mom. Sorry for the long dissertation. Your sharing is helping so many who struggle with the journey to motherhood.
Beautiful post, celebrate your babies, don’t ever feel bad about having a down days, on those days just keep your eyes and heart looking up and the Lord will make his face to shine upon you more and will be right next to you, and from those down days you will be able to minister to someone who is having their down days. Know you are Blessed, love you both
Oh, Liz; hugs to you. I miscarried for the second time on Mothers’ Day weekend, many years ago, so I get it. This year, I lost my Mom. I’m taking a page from your book and have plans to plant beautiful things today. Thanks for being so open and honest. Like so many others, I’m in awe of your talent and ability! You are surrounded by love.
Dear beautiful heart.
You are strong and fierce, and your light shines so brightly to so many, even through your darkest days. While I don’t know the pain of losing a child, I do know the pain of losing a mother. 2 to be exact. A year apart. My MIL and my own momma… losing 2 iconic women in my life was by far the hardest journey I’ve ever had to endure. Like you, I’ve channeled that energy into creativity. I began small businesses in their honor which helps me get through the days, the nights and the everything in between. Channeling the pain in a positive light has helped immensely . I believe their light is shining down on me, keeping me strong thorough the rough stuff. The silent nudges from them, the knowing to just keep going, doing and believing. Your sweet babies are shining down on you to do the same. Keep going. Keep sharing. Keep loving
hard.
Sending good vibes of love + peace to your heart.
Michelle
Dear Liz and Jose, lovely written. I pray you will someday share children with us playing on the farm. I too lost a baby. No one knows except for you now! I also was in the midst of adopting a baby girl from Brazil when the agency dissolved. I never had children but went on to become a nanny. I raised many kids and now see pics of their kids. I have yet to figure out how to handle Mother’s Day. I have no kids I lost my Mom but I do have 5 fur babies? I confess when I hear commercials leading up to the big day I feel an emptiness and sadness still and I’m now 67. I hope you start adoption procedures and who knows you may even have some of your own. Wouldn’t that be a wonderful thing. God bless you and may you find peace and strength. I think you will fill that farm with children’s Sounds soon God willing ???
This morning I prayed for you knowing that this weekend would be difficult for you. May you feel God’s arms wrapped tightly around you today and always.
Dear Liz, I feel your pain. Mother’s Day is the one day I cannot attend church since all the Mother’s are asked to stand while the congregation applauds. It is so painful for me that I skip going to church on this day. I was never able to conceive and have accepted it. I have a full life and God has blessed us abundantly. My advice is to truly consider adoption. My girlfriend adopted a baby infant son and he has been a real blessing.
I have a grandbaby in heaven. My Mom is there, too. She was the best person I have ever known and mothers days are hard for me because she left when I felt I needed her most. I like to think of them together and know I will see them someday! You will be in my prayers.
Thank you for sharing your heart Liz. I am turning 44 and never married with no children. When I was 37 I grieved hard at the loss of a life I had hoped I would have. While it’s technically not infertility, it’s still a huge void and in some ways it feels like one that is not spoken of and doesn’t have as much support around it. I feel peace now in my 40s, but it was much harder and I cried many tears in my late 30s. Again, thank you for sharing your story. It helps to read that we are not alone when Mother’s Day comes around and it doesn’t feel like a joyous day to celebrate. God is good and has grace for us in this too. I can’t wait to celebrate the child God will give you, however He chooses to give.
Yes! Please look to adoption. As someone on the other side of your journey I promise happiness and love in that path. My only regret is we waited so long before we decided to adopt.
Happy Mother’s Day to YOU! You are a mom no matter if those babies are here with us or up in heaven.
I also struggled with infertility and PCOS. I had two children very easily when I was in my mid 20s. Then when we tried to have number 3 we kept having multiple miscarriages and couldn’t get pregnant. Finally a year later after a bad miscarriage they found out I had PCOS.
I’m happy to say we were able to have number 3, and quite easily once everything clicked into place. I went on a low carb high fat diet, lost some weight. My dr told me the eggs like the “stickiness” of the fat! He also put me on steroids. You are only on them for 10 days during certain days of your cycle. Once I did those two things, BAM! Baby number 3! And of course we prayed like crazy.
I’m sure you’ve been working with a wonderful dr but just thought I would extend the suggestion of the diet change and the steroids in hopes of helping. I know I already have children and my infertility wasn’t as long as you’ve been struggling, but I get what it’s like to struggle and have multiple miscarriages and wonder why and what you’re doing wrong.
I firmly believe we’ll see those babies again someday. And as painful as that time was, I wouldn’t have my Charleigh if it didn’t, and I just can’t imagine life without her! She is my gift from God <3
Continued prayers for you Momma
This was inspiring and beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Sara.