I NEVER in a million years thought this would be the first post I wrote about our adoption story. I always assumed it would be the story about how Cope came into our lives. But, that story isn’t quite ready to be put out into the world because while going through this journey we have learned that an adoption story has so many sides to it that it takes time and heart to get that out into the world. I have been having a lot of thoughts this week about women in my shoes who have struggled with infertility and miscarriage like me who either have adopted or who are wondering where my heart is as they are thinking about it. I didn’t feel quite ready to put those thoughts out there because I don’t have anything planned out, but I’ve always been open about every single part of our infertility and adoption process so I’m not going to stop here & so I wanted to ramble out what was in my head tonight & hopefully it helps someone out there in some way. This isn’t the post telling you about our adoption process and how we adopted Cope.. that will come later. This post is to chat about how adoption feels after years of infertility and miscarriage. It’s a weird place to be & I hope I’m able to give you a tiny glimpse into my thoughts three months after our son was born. Here is what it has been like for us to adopt after infertility and miscarriage…
the good.
Let’s talk about the good stuff first. It’s pure Euphoria being a mother after 6 years of trying to become a mom & saying goodbye to all of our kids 10 months into our pregnancies. There isn’t one part of motherhood I dislike. I love the late night feedings, the dirty diapers, the crying… ok. Maybe that’s too far, but it’s honestly the best feeling in the entire world & I think after so much time praying to be in this position it’s harder to be overwhelmed with the ” not so pretty” side of motherhood. To have a baby after years of struggling, hurting, being disappointed, & dealing with the anxiety and depression that comes along with it all is simply unreal. Becoming a parent after years of wondering what it would be like & hearing so many things that parents would say about parenting is quite shocking because I was scared to make the change from the two of us to three, but every complaint I had heard was something I had been looking forward to. Long hours snuggling my baby, a messy house with signs of a new life everywhere, time in with a baby because we can’t do all the things, & time to see my husband as a new dad and a husband to me… These were things that after years of infertility I had longed for. It is all so good. So So So So good. So dang good.
the scary.
It was scary. I’m not going to sugar coat anything in this post… It was terrifying. I can’t speak to everyone’s adoption experience & like I said I’m not going to go into specific details of our adoption journey in this post, but I will say that it was life altering and terrifying to enter and go through the adoption process. From meeting the amazing birth mother who may or may not choose you to be babies parents to experiencing her pregnancy & birth with her while experiencing completely different emotions than her. From watching her so selflessly choose adoption for her baby & choose you to be the parents to entering the “legal risk period” where you watch over baby, but he’s not legally yours yet, but has taken over your whole heart and life so the fear of that being taken away looms over you daily. It’s terrifying. As I’m sure it’s terrifying and scary for all parties of the adoption process. But feeling these feelings after an infertility journey can be even more scary because of the loss and pain you have already felt amplifies the fear of more loss & heartache. After already knowing what years of waiting can feel like and than being offered hope… it’s so hard to imagine that being taken away again. The waiting is so hard after the wait you have already endured. It’s scary. But it’s beautiful at the same time. Those pending weeks really made me fall more in love with my husband, appreciate being a mom even more, & form a deeper love for the amazing birth mom who gave us the greatest gift we could ever ask for here on earth.. though those weeks were hard, I am thankful for what they did for me as a mom. Every journey to becoming a mom is scary. Pregnancy is scary just like adoption is scary.. things can happen, things can change, things can go wrong. It’s all so scary, but it’s all so worth it.
the not so good.
In our experience there hasn’t been one bad part about becoming parents after infertility. If anything our infertility and miscarriages made becoming parents so much better, more euphoric, and more enjoyable. In our happy little bubble it’s perfect here. You know in that perfectly messy way that life is. The hard part about adoption after infertility for us? The stigma that surrounds adoption. You know how they say you become an advocate quickly for things that you are going through? It’s true. The second we entered this adoption journey my passion for it grew instantly. We started to assist others with their adoptions, we started talking about it in our daily discussions with others, & our hearts were opened to more than I ever thought it would be. The stigma enters our bubble quite often and our skin has had to grow thick and our hearts filled with grace for some of the things that our said to us upon finding out that we adopted our son. Some things we hear daily: “Are you still going to try to have your OWN kids?” “Now that you adopted you are going to get pregnant” “We were lucky to have our OWN kids” “Cope is so lucky that you saved him”…. & so on. Now I have to start out by saying that no grudge is ever held against anyone who has said these things.. not one. And anger? Nope. I think that God filled our hearts with grace just for this moment & he has for sure made us stronger through the whole adoption process. First of all Cope is our own… we do not think that DNA makes a child “your own” or “not your own”, but to each their own on that. See what I did there? & a stigma I want to talk about in a later post is that we did not “save” Cope. I know every situation is different, but I think the stigma around adoption is that birth mothers aren’t “fit” or they have a bad lifestyle. I’m not going to lie that when I used to think of adoption I would think of 16 & pregnant & other scenarios from TV, but that’s not the case in most scenarios. Birth Moms & dads are choosing adoption for their babies for their own reasons even when they are outstanding citizens who are more than capable of raising a baby. I can’t help but stick up for and brag about Cope’s birth mom when these things are said… I don’t care what others think of me, but I feel so protective and loving towards Cope’s birth mom and always will. I hope that she helps change the stigma of adoption with me. I hope you all get to know her soon as well… she’s an amazing human who I look up to & I would have never thought I would say that before we went through the adoption process, but here we are.
the unknown.
Adoption is unknown for everyone entering the journey that has not experienced it before not just for those who have struggled with infertility or miscarriage before. In my very humble opinion navigating the unknown can be particularly difficult though after years of emotional turmoil & wondering if this is the way that you want to grow your family or if this is the option for you. My advice here is to really pray about it with your spouse. One day I will talk about how we were lead to adoption, but God really just shoved us off a cliff into the whole adoption process when we weren’t even looking into it yet, but when it’s your time… it is your time. Thankfully adoption agencies offer classes on the adoption process which can help you decided if it is for you or not. You can read a post I did [HERE] on what to know before starting the adoption process. Every adoption journey looks so different so I can’t help you with all the unknowns because our journey won’t be like yours, but I hope I can help you see that the unknown is so worth exploring.
the best.
I never knew that becoming a mom through adoption would feel this “normal” I worried about bonding, mourning no experiencing birth, & so much more. But all of those worries never came true. The second Cope was born the love was so deep that I couldn’t describe it. The second I held him he felt like home & when I look at him I never think of how sad it was that I didn’t give birth to him, but I think of how beautiful his story is that I helped his birth mom while she gave birth to him & how lucky he is to have the two of us as wonderful friends and wonderful women in his life. Becoming a mom through adoption after infertility and miscarriage is the best. It’s worth the wait, it’s worth the struggle, it’s worth the pain, it’s worth it all because it truly is the best feeling in the world. I can’t speak for everyone, but I can say that every worry you have about adoption isn’t worth worrying about. Is it hard? yes. Is it a lot? yes. Is it worth it? yes. yes. yes. yes. a million times yes. It’s worth the scary and the not so good because becoming a mom through adoption after infertility is simply just.. becoming a mom. and being a mom is one of the greatest things in the world and it’s worth the wait, the struggle, the pain, the longing, the mourning… in an instant you understand why that all happened & in an instant you are simply just mom and all is right in the world.
This all seems a little vague because there are parts I want to spill my heart out on, but that’s for another day. I hope these initial thoughts of entering adoption after such long journey make a little sense & help a little bit. Thank you all for being here for every part of our journey. From infertility to miscarriage to adoption & everything in between. It means the world to me. Feel free to send this post along to anyone considering adoption, going through miscarriage, struggling with infertility, or who has adopted.. I’m hoping me sharing my heart can help someone. Thank you for stopping by the blog today and every single day to see what we are up to… it means the world. xx
May God bless you and may this upcoming Mother’s Day be filled with joy, love and the promise of a happy, healthy future with your beautiful boy.
Liz,
I have read all of your blogs but nothing makes me tear up and my heart melt more when you talk about your motherhood journey. You are someone I look up to not because I have gone through what you have but because of how strong and how positive you are in all of this. You give women all across the world strength and hope just in general. Weather it’s just a job starting a family or just being happy there is something about the real ness of your blogs that’s just uplift people.
With that said, you are an amazing person and an even more amazing mother. Cope and your husband and farm babies are BLESSED to have you. Don’t ever change your beautiful soul and personality!
My life continue to bless you, your husband, your beautiful baby boy, and all your farm babies. ❤️
Thank you for your heartfelt honestly and transparency. My husband and are currently a “waiting family” after almost 11 years of infertility and child loss. And I can absolutely relate to so many of your emotions through this adoption journey. Praying God grants us our deepest desire soon, knowing it will be well worth the wait ?.
Blessings,
Stacy & Justin
Adrian, MI
I love this post. We struggled with infertility for about three years before we were blessed with adopting our son. We had four months to get ready for him once we found out we were to be his parents. The waiting period after placement is the worst but praise the Lord it was only a week in NC. I know some have to wait 6 mos. It breaks my heart when others ask adoptive parents if they want their own someday. He is our own and we never think of him as “adopted “. He came to us in another way is all. God made him for us to be his parents.
This post was beautiful Liz! I love the way you talk about Cope’s birth mom and I can’t wait to hear the full story!! 🙂
This is such an incredibly beautiful story. I love that you are real and candid about all parts of adoption. I also love how you talk about his birth mom. I love how endearing and loving you are. Thank you for sharing this.
Beautifully said….every single word. You related this process and it’s facets so well. Our daughter and her husband adopted their two precious children after 8 years. I can relate to everything said…..the questions asked, the Journey, their Birth Mama’s, the wait, and more. I am so happy for you, Jose and baby Cope. I remember emailing you a year or more ago telling you how amazing our lives have been made through adoption. No one really understands how much so I don’t think, until your life is impacted by it in some way. Blessings and love sent to you and yours. And I just LOVE how you both have embraced being parents and just embrace life with Cope: you seem like you’ve been doing this for years…so natural in the flow of including him in all you do! Love it!! ♥️
One of the best posts I’ve read on new motherhood in a long time. God bless your sweet family! Thank you for sharing this with us.
What a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing your heart on adoption. Adoption is such a different process for each person so there’s no real way to say how it will happen for anyone. We each have our own beautiful stories to tell. But at the end of it all, there are no regrets. It’s such a beautiful gift we’re given to be able to love our children.
You’re such a good writer, your heart pouring out to help others <3 just so good. your story. your little fam. so sweet.
Coming from a adoptee DNA does not make you a mom. My prayer is that more couples that are struggling with infertility give that “stigma” a swift kick in the boot!
Blessings to you!
A beautiful story of how our Lord puts families together….yours is most precious. I recall our case worker’s stunned comment to me upon her first visit after Abigail came home. Abigail was 3 weeks old when she came home…on Christmas Eve. The case worker looked at me as I rocked our baby girl in that rocking chair. She commented that Abi looked so peaceful and comfortable. I told her “well of course she does….she is safe in her Mama’s arms”. She didn’t even finished the initial home study….she knew….all was well….
Bless you…I look forward to reading more about your journey….so many precious moments lay ahead for you!
What a beautiful story and what a wonderful life Cope has. I am so happy for you that the Lord showed you the way and you weren’t afraid to take the leap! You are truly blessed – all of you. Happy Mother’s Day.
I wish you the absolute best with this beautiful little bundle of joy ……………<3
Happy Mother’s Day and I have tears in my eyes after reading your post. I am very thankful HE put Cope with you and Jose as his parents. Can’t wait to see him growing in your blog.
It is 3:30 am and I’m practically in tears. This was so beautifully done and I’m glad I caught this post. I shared on your IG my husband and I have been struggling and I would love to hear your heart on adoption and you went above and beyond. I hope some day my husband and I will enter the same journey.
Liz, I don’t know you, but you have an absolutely beautiful heart and soul! I pray the Lord bless your beautiful family. Thank you for your post.
Liz this was the most beautiful post. I’m crying. I too suffered miscarriages. But years later was blessed twice with Sons. The greatest blessing and gift we can receive in life is to be a parent. I’m so happy for you and Jose. I can’t wait to hear all about the birth mom what an amazing woman. I love you and your family. You are such a beautiful Soul. Thank you for sharing your life. You will help many couples.
This is so sweet of you to share, I have an honest question can she ever try to get him back? Let’s say if she regrets it after seeing him on ig..I have always wondered about parents that do adoption that way. Do they regret it after a while and want the baby back. Best wishes to you all.
This is just beautiful! I am so happy for you! And one day in Heaven, I cannot wait to see your whole family reunited, when Cope can meet his brothers and sisters and share the whole story of this journey! It’s a beautiful story. Thank you for being willing to share!
Liz, thank you for sharing. Our journey began 30 years ago. We went through several rounds of IVF and suffered a miscarriage. We chose open adoption and were so blessed that our son’s birthmom asked us to be his parents. He is now 25 and our daughter (also adopted) is 21! It is a journey and so many of your experiences happened to us as well. People say the strangest things! Hopefully with your platform some of the myths can be dispelled! Congratulations to you and your family!
What seems like yesterday my 5 lb newborn nugget is now 5 and a half. Adoption is hard. Adoption is amazing. Adoption is only understood by those of us in the thick of it.
Your son is a precious gift and was born just for you. He had just had to arrive in a different vessel.
You will see this all as time goes but dont expect to remove stigma it’s mostly just wording. Dont expect BM to do anything. She will be moving on with her new path and needs that closure. Reading this took me right back to a time where I had all these thoughts & feelings. Ultimately it will become just normal life. Pretty soon it will be just the 3 of you digging deep in the trenches of the daily grind. You will finally realize it’s ok to complain and call your kid a turd. When that happens you will feel free and rejoice❤
I call it my * real mom* moment
I am truly so excited for you! I have many friends that I grew up with that were adopted and knew they were. It is a wonderful wonderful wonderful gift. You and Jose are true examples of God’s love and light shining for all of us to see. ????❤️
First off, congratulations! I smile so big when I see a photo or video of Cope on instagram bc I see him as a true little blessing to two people that trusted the Lord. Second, you guys are awesome for having such grace about these comments you mentioned people actually say to you, it’s shocking to me. It’s mind blowing to me how people cannot think about what they’re saying to you?! Cope IS your child! Just as God gives the miracle of pregnancy to some women, He gave you your miracle through a different channel, but it’s no different. My older sister is adopted and my parents love each of us equally. We are both their children and there is nothing they wouldn’t do for either of us. They were told the chances of conceiving were slim to none. So God brought them my sister. They weren’t trying for me, hoping for me, they were grateful for their miracle that God brought them and just raising her and living. I guess I was just meant to be. When something is meant to be, God makes it happen, bc it is His way. God Bless your family and May He give you continued strength and not let the little minds of others affect you. Just know, most people look at your adorable pictures on insta like I do, we see God’s work:)
My heart leaped for joy when I saw the picture of you holding you holding your son, and my eyes filled with tears after reading your blog. I am so happy for you and your husband! May God bless the three of you!! I know this will be a happy Mother’s day and Father’s day in your household. Thank you for sharing your story – I have been hoping and praying for you to have your family.
Liz, I’m so happy for you. I was on the other side of an adoption. I was 21 and found myself single and pregnant. That was 29 years ago, I chose the family that would raise my baby and give him a living home when I could not. They kept the name I gave him when he was born, and on Christmas day 2017 I got a message from that baby. We’ve since reunited with him and hired family, who welcomed me with open arms. When I saw his parents again it was like no time had passed it was amazing. His mom and I email each other often and he and I speak all the time. It’s families like yours that give women in my position, courage and strength to give a part of our heart and soul to a family that will nurture and love the tiny soul we are not able to at the time. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your journey.
This is beautiful, very well said and so heartfelt. I am so very happy you all were blessed with each other.
This was a wonderful story.. You are both so ready to be the perfect parents and a nice little family. I’ve followed your blog posts for awhile, love all of them!! Best wishes to the three of you. Thanks for your story- Patty B.
Your story is beautiful! Liz you are Blessed indeed. But, your sweet baby Cope was given the greatest gift ever when God selected ( hand picked) you and Jose to be his forever Momma and
Daddy. Keep a journal that someday you might write a book on your struggles and tears
To finding Joy and an unexplainable Love for the son in your arms!
Prayers, sweet family❤️❤️❤️
Happy Mothers Day ,It’s all in Gods Plan.I’m a Mother of4 almost (mostly ) adult children ,It was the greatest Gift I could ever ask for .It was a lot of Joy and Pain and tears and Laughter .At the end You will say Thank you Jesus ,I was Choosen!
Congratulations and sooo happy for you, God is awesome!!, that baby is beautiful and has a great Mama, may the Lord Bless Cope.
This entire experience And journey was Gods plan. God is good all the time.
Love y’alls story
After today’s post (05-10-19), I had to go back and read this one. I had saved for when I was in a place I could ugly cry :). This is so well-put. I struggled with infertility for 9 years as well. I was eventually able to have a baby, a little girl and it rocked my world in the best of ways. All of the things people complained about, the late night feedings, the colic, the messy home, the times of being ‘homebound’ — I LOVED them all. I kept thinking I must be in a euphoric state and at some point it would become a burden, but it never did. My little girl is 19 now and I would not trade one ‘hard’ or ‘inconvenient’ moment I have had being her mom. What a gift, what a blessing, what a calling to love another human. You will love each and every season — they are all special and they all go by so quickly you will mourn them when you hare moved on. Praising God for your little blessing…he’s a miracle! (BTW, you are wise beyond your years — Thanking God you have this platform to share it)
God is good all the time. You and your husband were appointed for a time such as this. Blessings to the two of you and your little miracle and thank you for sharing the journey. Love and many prayers from my family to yours.