Well, this whole blogging thing makes you kind of vulnerable doesn’t it? Sometimes I remember people sometimes stop by Liz Marie Blog & that it’s not just my mom and I sitting here talking home decor & DIY. I all the sudden will be like “oh, so & so from high school might be reading this” and then all the sudden I feel naked and weird & quickly push the thought out of my head of how vulnerable that really makes me feel. I share about our miscarriages, our infertility, our DIY trial & errors, but today I’m going into it knowing this is me coming to you being extra vulnerable & I’m going to try to not be embarrassed because I know I’m not alone & that we have all been here, well sort of here, just in different places. You get the point.
Enough is enough. That’s what I said to myself today as I was walking out of the doctors office after a week of terrible pain that I kept shrugging off. That’s what I said after I was given the diagnosis I never thought I would get. That’s what I said when the doctor told me I had shingles brought on by my stress and anxiety. That’s what I said when I saw the scale say I gained 30 pounds in the past year. Enough is enough. With My PCOS diagnosis five years ago I am already gluten free, but I have completely let my health go in every other way. Very minimal excercising besides being super busy all of the time, eating out more than the average person, & just not caring what I put in or on my body. It doesn’t help that I was taking all of my vitamins and being diligent about certain other parts of my health because if it’s not all in a sequence together that stuff kind of just goes to the waste side. I was eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I had no control over my diet or my excersize. I mean, potentially I did, but I didn’t take those potential opportunities. I put it off, I indulged, I didn’t give one care when I noticed my pants were getting a little tighter & my health started declining. I guess depression will do that to you. I was the girl who didn’t weigh 100 pounds until after I was married & could eat anything I wanted & still have a six pack.. annoying I know. I’ve struggled with anxiety since I can remember my first memory. I didn’t know how to voice it & I probably thought everyone felt the way I did, but I wish I could tell that little girl that it will all be ok, that I need to start practicing ways to settle my anxiety, & that I need to voice how I feel to someone. That’s another story. But here I am. Just turned 30, 30 pounds heavier, & so unhealthy that in the past few months I’ve been diagnosed with two things caused by stress and anxiety. Two doctors have looked me in the eye and said “You need to cut the stress because you are hurting yourself” Easier said than done. I kept having a poor sleep schedule, kept my poor diet, & here I am with my poor health in pain from this new found outbreak on my body.
Getting diagnosed with the shingles was a huge wakeup call you guys. A huge one. I’m unhealthy & overstressed which caused this outbreak. If you’ve never had shingles, they are so painful, so this is a painful reminder every second that I need to take my health back. So where does that bring me with our fertility? A road block of sorts. Or is it a new beginning? Let’s be positive and say that it’s a new beginning. A new lease on life some would say. I will get into this part more later, but when people keep telling me “just take the leap” in one direction or the other… I can’t move. I’m stuck. I’m at a standstill. & I didn’t know why until this week. I’m stuck because I don’t want to take the leap until I’m healthy. I don’t want to take the leap in this condition. With all of my stress, anxiety, & unhealthiness. I want to take the leap when I can be that person I want to be for that little one. The number one thing in dealing with infertility is taking control of your health & being the best you you can possibly be. & I wasn’t doing that at all. I mean, we didn’t have a kitchen for 9 months so there is that little issue we had, I have PCOS which makes it a little easier to gain weight, but none of these things should be excuses.. I just need to work harder. Make better decisions, & take my fertility back in my control again… well, as much as I can. No excuses. I will be sharing more of this journey with you after some radio silence lately about our fertility journey. I guess I was blocking this out & thinking if I didn’t talk about it that there wasn’t a problem.. the scale & rash doesn’t lie my friends… I’m not healthy & I’m not being the best I can be for our future kids. Well, this feels like I’m standing naked in front of a crowd now after saying all of that. Just naked and baring it all telling you that I have gained that much weight & failed at this part of our fertility journey. But I hope in some way it inspires you to make some health changes or keep your good health up if you are there… I never thought the shingles or anything like that could happen to me, but it did. Take care of yourself my friends & just know that if you are struggling like I am right now… you are not alone. Thank you so much for stopping by the blog today and everyday to see what we are up to.. it means the world! xx