There is something about a change of the season during our fertility journey. It doesn’t matter if it’s spring, summer, fall, or winter, the change of seasons are always hard on me. It’s like a reminder that I am entering yet another season not holding those babies of mine in heaven & yet another season that we don’t have our baby here on earth. It’s also a strange note that I need to add that even though it’s been a year and a half since we have tried to add a baby to our family, it still isn’t easy. As soon as the mention of fall was in the air the heartache was there & there is still this constant pain that comes as the weather becomes cooler and the leaves start turning color this fall. Fall seems to be the hardest season change in this fertility journey that I have found myself in the middle of…
Fall is my all time favorite season. The weather is cooler, there are big cozy sweaters involved, lots of lattes, get togethers with family & friends, & this time of year is just magical. But there is also a big void. These past few weeks I’ve been really struggling in my head & my heart with the new season & I didn’t want to keep it to myself. Maybe it’s because I should be taking my babies to the pumpkin patch, I should be picking apples with them, having family photos take, & I should be snuggled with them in our farmhouse. I’m stuck between discontent & being the happiest girl alive enjoying the beautiful season among us living in our dream farmhouse and having my dream job & owning our dream store. I’m married to my best friend and just like most people there is one thing in my life that has hurt me to my core so badly that I’m not sure I will ever heal from it. I can’t say this yet, but even after we have our baby here on earth my motherly instincts tell me that my heart will still long for those seven babies of ours in heaven. Something tells me that a hurt like that leaves a lasting impression on your heart & mind and that until we meet those babies in heaven we will still feel the sting every time the leaves change.
Every year this happens, every season a new and additional surge of raw feelings. At 28 years old & being on this fertility journey since I was 23, we have been through a lot of seasons & in each one we were at a different stage of our fertility journey. Some season changes have been during a miscarriage, some season changes have been during our struggles to get pregnant, & all have been during our waiting. Just the changing seasons, my feelings change from sadness, to anger, to joy, to exhaustion, to hurt, impatience, to continent, & back to sadness all over again. It never gets easier, but I know that this fertility journey is just one big season of our lives that God has called us to do & that He is preparing us for something great. I am and always will be thankful for this season because it has made me a better person, it has made me appraise things more than anyone I know, it has made me feel things deeper, & love harder, & for that I am grateful. This season is hard, but this season is also a beautiful one filled with opportunities I would have never had, dreams I could have never dreamed, & hope that I would have never had. If you are going through a season of hurt & the pain of the changing seasons opened a wound in you, you are not alone. New seasons can open old wounds & it’s all part of the journey. But new seasons can also bring hope & understanding as well. Cling to what is good & cling to your faith in knowing that with each season comes new beginnings. Thank you guys for helping us on this journey & for being with us every step of the way. xx
“The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.” Lamentations 3:25