Well, I hate to be writing this because I feel like it just writes my failure in stone. For everyone to see. But I share it all with you guys [or try] & you guys are a huge part of our journey because of the prayers, pep talks, tips, stories of hope, & just for just listening and reading our story. Thank you by the way. & thank you for not judging & being by our side through the highs and the lows of this fertility journey we are on. If our infertility journey doesnt interest you or makes you uncomfortable, I am so sorry that today’s post isn’t for you, but you can click [HERE] to see more about our fixer upper journey & more. So where are we at now on our journey? Well… we have been at a huge standstill for the past two years & it’s been kind of scary living in the unknown…
For the past two years Jose and I have been living in the unknown. After 7 miscarriages we just stood still for two years & didn’t make one move forward. If anything we went backwards. Too “busy” to think of the next steps we need to take, & too discouraged to make any major changes because “nothing is going to work.” Of course we weren’t too busy… just too scared. Of course something is going to work, but the anxiety & depression of the 6 years of infertility, the PCOS, the weight gain, the loss of our 7 babies, the constant reminder of the failure of my body left us too discouraged to always have hope. This standstill was probably great for my body, mind, & soul in some ways, but in others it has made me feel like more of a failure or like a quitter of sorts. It has made me feel like “I must not want it that bad” if I haven’t been taking the proper steps to a. get pregnant. & b. to keep the pregnancy healthy by going to our fertility doctor, taking better care of my health, & diving in more to find out the underlying issue. I’ve failed for two years to make a move. Besides finding a new natural pathic doctor in the past two years & running some tests that you an read about [HERE], I haven’t done much to prepare my body or my mind for a baby & that’s a hard dose of reality. If I let my mind wander it feels like I waisted a lot of time I could have spent prepping. But that doesn’t mean we can’t start now.
I’ve said it many times on my blog, Instagram, Facebook, & more places that 2018 is about me getting uncomfortable. We’ve been in a safe zone these past two years. If we don’t get pregnant, we don’t have a miscarriage. If we don’t pursue adoption, we don’t have the disappointment of not being matched with a baby. If we are just the two of us we are safe, happy, content, & well… super safe. The anxiety & depression like it there. The anxiety & depression are products of not having faith that God has us & our babies in his hands. Anxiety is not trusting in God’s plan & depression is not having hope in God’s hand in it all.. and that’s not where I want my heart to be. So in 2018 we both want to fully trust.. fully jump.. & fully listen to God’s plan for us to grow our family. If you are the praying type… praying that God gives us a direct push, that God will show us how he wants us to grow our family, that God grows our family with the most perfect baby for Jose & I whoever or wherever or however they come to be with us. Thank you guys for the prayers, the listens, the comments, the well wishes, the patience, the questions, the inclusion, the advice… the all of it! THANK YOU!!
So, our update right now? We’ve been standing still for two years & I’m ready to move. That doesn’t mean I want to get pregnant right away [unless that’s God’s plan of course] but I want to get my health under control, I want to be proactive at healing my body from my PCOS, I want to be kinder to myself, I want to love my body more, forgive it’s failures, & I want to be closer to God after a little bout of anger & resentment from all the loss & years of struggling with infertility piling up this past year. I’m done standing still. I will be back soon with another update, but for now this is where we are at in our journey.. in waiting. It hasn’t always been pretty, but I’m ready to make this waiting period prettier & not let the fear and anxiety rule my fertility journey. This journey is a beautiful part of our lives & I’ve learned time and time again while waiting for other things that God will provide & I do not want to look back at this season & have any regret of times I didn’t enjoy how beautiful this time really is. Thank you guys for stopping by the blog today & always to follow every part of our journey. xx
Read about why I switched doctors [HERE]