I honestly can’t believe I’m writing this post. It doesn’t seem real. & never in my life would I have thought that I would have 6 beautiful babies in heaven…
A week ago today I went to the doctors to hear my beautiful babies heartbeat for the third time after hearing it twice & when the doctor turned on the ultrasound we didn’t hear the beautiful noise that we had heard in the weeks past. It’s little heart had stopped beating & we saw our babies tiny body on the ultrasound screen, but knew the Lord had called our tiny babies soul to heaven.
We had gone through a lot for our 6th baby. We were at the fertility doctor two times a week for 10 weeks, Jose had to give me shots nightly which killed him to do because he couldn’t stand to see me in pain, I took countless pills a day, I was hormonal, I was tired, I was sick, I was scatterbrained, I was exhausted. Fertility treatments are no joke, honestly I felt worse doing them then I actually did when I got pregnant. I felt like no one around us understood or knew what I was going through, but looking back I would do it all over again because even these shorts days with my babies are worth it. And every child God has given me is a gift. Even though they have all been taken away from us so soon. They are a gift from God. I loved our babies for every second of their life, and I will love them for every second of my life. The day we found our we were pregnant we were excited, scared, nervous, & just knew that it was all in God’s hands. Our first ultrasound was amazing & we saw a tiny baby, a tiny heartbeat, & were even told it could be twins. We were just thankful in the moment for this beautiful gift of life.
At 8 weeks pregnant I had a tiny little bump that showed me my body was already changing & carrying our precious 6th baby. That baby was totally worth the tears during the shots, the upset stomach, the anxiety, the exhaustion, the doctor appointments, the pills, & all of the emotions of being pregnant for the 6th time after 5 losses. That little life was worth all that and more. Our baby was the size of a raspberry & was just a precious brief moment in our lives that I will cherish along with those brief moments of our 5 others babies. We are thankful that our babies are with the Lord, their father in heaven.
Those 8 weeks of knowing I had a child of God inside of me were scary to be honest. I will not pretend that I am a perfect person and didn’t have crippling fear that made me want to lie in bed all day or that I didn’t have thoughts of losing another baby. I think so many try to hide that because they feel terrible for feeling like that, but I think it’s normal. After 5 losses I think it’s natural to have fear, but prayer got me through it. I prayed God would forgive me for my fear & that he would take it away from me & I prayed until it was gone. When it returned I started all over again. Fear is the lack of faith that God is in control. No, my pregnancy did not go how I would have planned. But my Father in heaven was in control & His plan is much greater than mine & for that I am thankful. He is in control. I repeat that when anxiety strikes until my faith returns. And to be honest during our miscarriages I struggle with staying on top of things, being myself, and frankly being social in general. It’s not because I am depressed, but more because my focus shifts on healing emotionally and physically & everything else takes a backseat. I am not perfect, and I hope that you never think that. I am not ashamed that I don’t stay on top of everything during loss, because I am human. Loss is hard no matter what it is & we all deal with it differently & in our own way. There is no perfect way to handle miscarriage, but calling on the Lord through those times of doubt is the perfect answer to the imperfect situation.
So What now? This may be too much information for some, but in my heart I feel like I need to share because someone out there is struggling and if this helps just one person then my baby went to heaven to help someone. Maybe to change someone else’s life besides mine. I am technically still pregnant with our 6th baby & that just makes me feel like I still haven’t said goodbye or fully mourned the loss of our child. We have had all 5 of our other babies naturally at home and without surgery. We feel like that is what’s best for me & so do our doctors. Our current doctor has not wanted to induce me quite yet like all the other times because he feels it’s the best route, and God has not allowed me to have the baby yet. This has never happened. I’ve never been forced to carry our child after we found out it had gone to be with the Lord. It’s a whole new level of healing and just not knowing what’s next. I’m sitting here typing this knowing that our child is lifeless inside of me & it’s a reminder of the short life of our baby. I’m From here on out we were referred to a high risk pregnancy specialist in the area that will hopefully be able to help us more. Over the past 3 years we have taken countless tests including getting our chromosomes tested & everything has come back normal. The only thing that has been determined is that I have PCOS [read more about my journey with that here] So from here on out we continue our fertility and miscarriage journey with our heads high, our hearts full of love, and our mind and bodies filled with faith & hope. We pray that we may get answers as to why we keep miscarrying, we pray that the Lord leads us to do His will here on earth, we pray that we stay positive like we are, & we pray that we can grow our little family when the timing is right.
We live such a beautiful life & I don’t want to take any of it for granted. We truly have more than we could have ever asked for & God has truly given us more than we ever deserve & we are fully aware of that. I hope this post doesn’t upset you or make you feel like we are not happy with our lives, grateful for our daily gifts and our abundant blessings, or depressed that we do not have a child here on earth. I feel like when I tell people we miscarried they feel worse than we do, and it makes me not want to share because I don’t want anyone to feel bad for us or to feel like we are broken. Through all of our losses we grow closer to God, closer together, and gain more perspective and joy for life. I feel like if I had never gone through this journey I would be blind to true joy, true happiness, & the deep love for life because I know how fragile it really is. We pray someday God gives us a child here on earth, but until then we are content & live each day to the fullest. We know that a child will change our lives dramatically so until then we enjoy each other fully each day, enjoy our happy busy life, & take full advantage of our time together because we don’t want to ever regret waisting these years being sad or only thinking about having children because we know that isn’t a quality way to live. Know we are sad about our loss & wish that we could have held our baby, but have peace in our hearts that our babies are in a place far greater than this earth & that we will see them someday and they will all come running in my arms. I will have one full lap of children one day & that makes my heart smile. I can’t make this stuff up, I didn’t tell Jose what I was writing about tonight because I just started typing my heart out and didn’t really think much of it. He just leaned over, kissed me, & said “we have the greatest life ever.” How can I be sad or not look at all my blessings? How can I not trust that God is in control? It’s not my will, but His. My joy comes from the Lord, my heart is full, and I am fully aware of Gods presence in our lives & that He is blessing us beyond belief daily. Daily beautiful reminders like that are just one of the simple gifts from God I am thankful for. I don’t doubt that for a second. I am thankful for God’s gifts, God’s plans, & God’s promises because they are far better than I could ever imagine. I could go on.. But my point is this.. If you are experiencing loss of any kind not just miscarriage or going through something hard because we all do, focus on God’s rich blessings in your life, ask him for peace, pray for him to take away your anxiety, & lastly thank Him for every moment, even the struggles because those struggles are part of this beautiful journey here on earth.
Funny little God moment: The day we left the doctor after we found out our 6th baby had gone to Heaven, Mr. LMB wanted to make our day awesome so he took me to all my favorite places, we shopped until we dropped, got massages, ate our favorite food, & just laughed and forgot about the loss for a day. Well, when we left the doctors we found this wall & were just struck with how God speaks to us in mysterious ways. We both just smiled & agreed. There are always setbacks, but God always provides. I stood in front of the wall 8 weeks pregnant & strong because I knew in my heart that God was by my side & so was my amazing husband. I will be back later when I have all my thoughts together & I’m not just typing everything on my mind. I will share more of our journey, more about what we have been through, more about our doctors, and if you have any questions or any posts you want me to do ask your questions below. We will be glad to answer any of them. It’s a hard thing to talk about, but if our babies can help people, we feel like their purpose here on earth was far greater than we could have imagined. Thank you for all of your love and support on our journey.. We thank you from the bottom of our hearts & your prayers mean so much to us. & remember to be kind to everyone because you do not know what kind of battles they are fighting. xx
Read more about our journey below: